Summer - You Hot Bitch
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 11:45PM For the past six years I’ve dreaded summer more than my annual pap smear or my bi-annual dentist trips. Ever since I moved to L.A. in ’03, summer has been my worst nemesis—it’s been Summer vs. Buffy and Summer always wins.
I can’t stand the heat. I can’t stand constant sunshine. I know, I’m a hideous freak. Everyone always says about SoCal: “Ohhh, I just love the weather.” To which I reply, “The weather can lick my metaphoric balls.”
I never had a car with air conditioning and as you can imagine, we Angelinos spend an unhealthy amount of time in our cars. My hair was always frizzy and I was constantly sweating my tits off (yes, that’s what happened to them). I hated it. And my apartment similarly didn’t have AC. I would tack up a dark sheet against my window (the blinds just weren’t enough) and I would lie on my bed with ice cubes on my naked body and count the days until Fall, which hits L.A. sometime around November. I figured I must be burning for my sins.
And then last spring I got a new car (which has air-conditioning) and I moved in with Jon and our pad also has air-conditioning. People, I’ve been reborn. I’m just waiting for my tits to grow back.
I no longer despise summer—I’m even starting to love it, despite the cheery sunshine. (I’m like a troll--I only come out when it's cloudy.)
This Sunday I was rapping with my crew about the last days of summer and how it’s strange that we all see each other much less the other 9 months of the year. None of us have kids and none of us are teachers, so really, we have no excuse. But there’s an ingrained carefree vibe about summer that’s impossible to duplicate. I’m generally wound up like a mofo, enough restlessness to propel a car, but in the summer, it’s almost mandatory to relax. That’s my favorite thing about summer—it’s spotted with moments of forgetting that we have responsibilities.
Her awesomeness herself, Jules at Mean Girl Garage, tagged me in a list “Summer Favorites” and usually being tagged in a list makes me claim amnesia, but with my new air-conditioned crush on summer, I’m game-on.
Here it is homies—and let me know your summer crushes.
1) Fav Summer Movie: Star Trek. Sheeeeet, it’s the only one I saw. But I loved it!
2) Fav Summer Cocktail: Any other summer I’d have a Biblically long list, but as we know, this summer has been dry. BUT, I have of course been imbibing my boo Buckler. Ordinarily though, the Panty Drop is a staple summer cocktail of mine.
3) Fav Summer Song: Oh garsh, I’ve never been good at picking favorites. But this summer I’ve really been jamming to Santigold and I love her song “You’ll find a way.” Summer to me though is incomplete without Bob Marley. No one shoves a chill-pill down my throat better than Bob.
4) Fav Summer Meal: As a kid, my Mom made this simple salad of homegrown tomatoes, cucumbers and red onions dressed with vinegar, oil, salt and pepper. My Mom is a plant goddess so anything that comes out of her garden is noteworthy. But this simple salad will forever be summer to me. As well as watermelons and cherries. And my friend Mikey’s gazpacho. Oh and frozen yogurt. Okay, I’m stopping now because I’m getting hungry.
That's me in the back flashing gang signs.
5) Fav Summer Outfit: Well, I prefer absolutely nothing, but if I’m forced to be civilized and wear clothes in the summer, the outfit will most certainly include flip-flops, probably a sun dress (because of the simplicity), and the bad-ass Thierry Lasry sunglasses that Jon got for me.
6) Fav Summer Read: Your blogs and comments (but of course), and Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods. I also just started Ruth Reichl’s Garlic and Sapphires which I’m luffing. Both writers are hilar.
7) Fav Summer Moment: Tough call. Waking up on July 5th without a hangover was pretty astounding. Though, I don’t know if it’s an experience I must repeat. Planting an entire deck garden with Mom and Jon was a great time that keeps on giving.
Rockin' the Lasry's on the deck garden.
I love Runyon runs with my homies and Snoots N’ Toots. Crushin’ L.A. with the NYC fam ruled. And there’s not much better than stoned movie screenings and picnics at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery or hearing live music at The Hollywood Bowl.
But I also just love lazy Sunday afternoons hanging with the crew down at Playa, either playing V-ball on the beach, or lazing by the pool. The naggings of life slow to a whisper then float away in the sea breeze. All that matters is planning our travels around the world and the fun we’ll be having for the next 60 years. Talking about nothing and everything. BBQing, watching the sunset and laughing till it hurts. I’m sure going to miss you summer.
Reader Comments (25)
Your summer favs beat mine HANDS down!!!!! Hubby just asked me Sunday if I'd make gazpacho! AND I need a boob job (really a lift) but if I move out there and they sweat off, that should do the trick, right?
Here I come!!
Teasing me with your hot bitch weather. You've sweated your tits off, mine are threatening to freeze off. Summer cannot come around fast enough, especially after reading this.
Oh, and I love Bill Bryson too! His 'Down Under' book made me pee my pants.
I have to say...This is an awesome list. It was a great reminder !!! It made me happy that its SUMMER ! Although, not having a car here in NYC is amazing in its own way, there is NOTHING like getting in your car setting the temperature, song and closing the windows to the outside noise..and here in NYC there is LOTS of noise and not to mention that LA has nothing on the sick humidity of NYC....yuck... I am so happy that your garden also flourished...I want some veggies!! It is no WONDER everytime I pass a glasses store I think of your bass ass !!! You wear them well sista!!......Crushing LA on Runyon is also one of my favorites!! and so are your tits!!!!! ;)
Ok, my turn. Why, I HATE Florida summers.
10. Summer here in FL lasts about 10 months out of the year, 7 of those 10 months is non stop nasty humidity. Oh it gets worse....
9. I live and breathe air conditioning non-stop. Our A/C is off for MAYBE a week total. I miss breathing the crisp cool air at night. I miss driving around with my windows down and the breeze flowing through my hair. If I did that now, my face would melt off like the scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
8. My husband could tan while walking across the street. He's a dark bronzed hot piece of ass all year round. I on the other hand, being a bit more afraid of the sun, stay a nice shade of pasty barf so when we are seen together I'm so pale people try to walk through me to get to my golden god.
7. The humidity. That bastard lays it on thick at about 7AM and doesn't even remotely take a coffee break til about midnight. So unless I become a vampire I cannot enjoy the slightly more tolerable temperatures. Humidity has become a tick that digs and digs in my arm and will NOT go away. Why shower in the morning? You'll just walk out into a sauna and feel all nasty again. Exercising outside? ARE YOU NUTS? If I wanted to experience heat stroke every day, I'd go take that hot yoga class. Geesh. Walk my baby in the stroller outside? ARE YOU MUY LOCO? No, I have to push the stroller inside my house (which is all of about 700 sq. feet).
6. In regards to boobs melting off Miss Buffy, I knew I'd get saggy titties after having a baby but I didn't realize the heat would melt them right off onto our driveway looking like two eggs sunnyside up. (mmm, Dennys-moon over my hammy).
5. Some might say, but Michelle, your hubby works on one of hundreds of lakes in Orlando, I'm sure you can just jump off the boat and dive into a nice refreshing lake. Yes, in the 2 non-summer months that might be true. But the rest of the time, it's like jumping into a really refreshing hot bath. The lakes get so warm that you don't know what torture to take on, the outside heat or the hot lakes.
4. Seasons? Is that what you put on your chicken at night? Seasons? Is that like a crass term for shaving your cha cha. Seasons? Is that like where you see a nasty guy who eats cold cuts in public wearing a shirt covered in dandruff? Is it a cruel reminder that I NEVER EXPERIENCE SEASONS OUT HERE? Typically you all watch the leaves change and fall in the FALL. Our leaves don't change and don't fall off until about APRIL.
3. Bugs. Big hairy scary nasty creepy flying bugs. I think the FL heat actually morphs what would be normal sized little bugs into giant human eating alien freakzoid bugs that will one day rule the earth! For example, wolf spiders............(I'm itching everywhere just mentioning them), they are large, hairy, jumping creatures from hell that want to paralyze me so I can lay there while they eat my insides and laugh about what a sucka I was.
2. Christmas in 85 degree heat. That's like Keanu receiving a best actor Oscar. It's F-----N ridiculous! Unheard of! Impossible! But is it???? (Maybe Keanu should try Shakespeare again, he was brilliant in Much Ado About Nothing...........zzzzzzzzzzz, oh sorry, where was i?) For most people, 99% of the country, would like to have Christmas in cool crisp weather where you're all bundled up in sweaters, sitting by a fire, eating til you explode, and heck throw in some snow. Sigh. FL Christmases should be outlawed. It should be mandatory that everyone that lives in FL fly to the New England states, to the Northwest, to flipping Canada for the holidays. Ok, so I grew up in Nor Cal where it's not like it got crazy cold the but damnit, it got down to the 40's some days. I'd have frost on my car windshield that I'd pretend was snow.
1. The number one reason why I hate Florida summers is, BATHING SUITS. Groan. I have to look somewhat tolerable in a bathing suit year round because what else are you going to wear in this heat? And being that my husband runs a Wakeboard camp.....am I supposed to ride behind the boat in my pajamas with the feets? Nope. I have to suck it up and suck it in and put on the one thing that makes me want to pull a Calista Flockhart and be anorexic. Not all of us can look as hot as Ms. Buffy Charlet in a bikini. I hate her. Whore.
Ladies, ladies, ladies...! so much tittie talk. beware or this could become a 'bits and bobs' blog. not complaining... well, I guess I am.
Um, bring on the tits talk!!! :)
I'm not one to complain about tittie talk! But I am complaining that summer's almost over. I love your list. Mine would definitely include the beach and summer evenings, when everything's cooled down.
Don't come to the valley, Buff, or those tits will never grow back. Like my balls.
Jules: Come visit!! We'll eat gazpacho and watch our tits melt away!
Elise: Oh man, that's right, I'm totally taunting you! Sorry! That's awesome that you like Bill Bryson too! He's so great!
Karen: You are totally right! There's something so delicious about driving around in you ACd car and listening to your tunes! And thank god there isn't humidity here--could you imagine my fro then?!
Michelle: WOW. Your list is off the hook! Love it! I think you and the fam should move back to Cali. And that "two eggs sunnyside up" comment made me fucking spit tea out my nose--hilarious!!
Zootz: I'm sorry you don't like the tittie talk! But you might be alone here my friend. I think you have to let us ladies vent sometimes! :)
Jeff: Oh I'm sure there will be more!
Ben: I looooove summer evenings! Best part of the day! You're right!
Toby: I think I saw your balls in a puddle somewhere over by Ventura. Btw, when are we hangin?!
I guess I never really minded summer since I had AC where needed. (I do miss the seasons) but two years ago I had to be cool and buy a bright green 77 Ford bronco. (I've become "That Guy") And yup, you guessed it. NO AC! Now I have to lean forward when driving so my back doesn't get soaking wet and although my titties are fine, I look down at my crotch and wonder, has there been any shrinkage...
My favorite summer meal is cigs and diet coke. And it's my favorite season, now if I only had millions of disposable dollars I would "summer" everywhere and lounge on my boat.
Summer blows. The sun is pure evil. The only good thing about summer are the skimpy summer outfits women wear. Enough said.
OK OK, but with photos then already
Kneebucks: '77 green Ford Bronco = MEGA-SEXY! It's worth the sweat!
Vincey: Oh we ARE going to "summer" everywhere on our boat! It seriously must happen.
Hampty: Agreed. The sun is in the same category as cat piss and working: pure evil.
Zoots: Yes! A photo essay of our tits melting off! :)
I read Garlic and Sapphires not too long ago. awesome book...
Yeah. Summer. We are again the same. I'm nothing without my AC. And now I have so much to look forward to (read dread) with Summers in Vegas. where it's like 137 degrees. Blech. But I *will* have a huge house. With perpetually blasting AC.
hah I'm glad you have AC now! Now your tits should be nice and cool.
Here in upstate ny it actually gets brutally humid, but only for a little bit. Plus we are so used to cold shitty weather that anything seems hot.
I wish it was perpetually september-october. I feel like drinking now thanks to you!
BUFFY LOVES SUMMER!!! I'm so glad this is down in writing!!! :) Mama just needed a little AC!!! Loved your list and thanks for the Bill Bryson tip, I need a new book!! You know I have a long love affair with summer... I love the long days, sunsets, the beach, the get togethers, less clothing, not being pasty, smoothies, fro yo, on and on. My fav thing this summer was freedom from the hell of school!!!! FOR SURE!! Keep'em coming Buff!!! Love it!! xxoo
KM: Such a good book!
Colby: MOS DEF ginormous house with perpetually blasting AC! Or else you'll melt gurl!
Mr. Condescending: They are nice and chilled now, thanks for checking. :) Oh man, humidity, like heat is another death of me. My hair becomes an impossible fro! And DITTO, perpetual Sept-Oct is my dream!
Rebecca: You and summer are such lovers!! Always making out in public! ;) And hell yeah no school! Woohooo!!
You know what, I have yet to meet a vegetable that didn't taste awesome with vinegar and seasoning added. I think even my arch nemesis lettuce might be palatable with some vinegary goodness.
Also, Bob Marley is the best summer driving music. Maybe not with me screeching along but still. You haven't lived till you've heard a pasty redheaded white girl screeching "AHM JAMMING!" at the top of her voice on the highway.
PS It's totally unfair that you have that curly hair. Because I want it. I have to make ludicrous braids and things to get it.
if i could find a place that was permanently fall-ish and quasi-rainy/gloomy, i'd be in heaven. BONUS, i don't feel obligated to leave my house or accomplish anything when we are presented with said weather.
but um, kudos on that whole regular dentist visit thing. cus wow. i can't tell u the last time i went.
Veggie: SO TRUE, vinegar, seasoning meets veggies = delishiosity. And I heart Bob so much. Oh man, thanks for the hair love! You can borrow it anytime. :)
Blunt: TOTES SERES. We need to find that place and move there and eat cupcakes and drink booze all day. Please?
I love Hollywood Bowl in the summer. Have you been down to the summer concerts at the SM pier?
I'm so spoiled. My AC is broken upstairs and every time I went up there today I was like a fireman running into a burning building. I was like, "Dogs! Get OUT of the bedroom!! Leave everything behind!!" and quickly packed a backpack with underpants and chapstick and ran back out. Like I had anywhere to go but downstairs.
SteamMeUp,Kid: I'm embarrassed to admit that I've never been to the SM Pier concerts! (shameful!) I hear they're awesome though. I'm so lazy when it comes to driving to and parking at the beach. Well, I'm just lazy in general. And oh for real, stay downstairs!!!
i hate summer. especially sunshine. no, especially the heat. but the sun can kiss my ass. i only want to see it every three days or so. bring on the fall and spring! we can be trolls together.