Update Your Prostate
Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 11:45PM That’s a ridiculous title. Especially since it has nothing to do with this post.
But I do have some updates, just nothing about your prostate, and I’d like to keep it that way.
Update #1:
Regarding Operation “Sell My Dirty Shit on eBay,” hmm, well, it’s been eeenteresting. Within a couple hours after posting my uniform and “etceteras” I got an email from a Mr. “gatekeeper” and I shit you not, he’s from Minnesota. (You might recall that I had previously joked about such a Minnesotan fellow BEFORE I even posted the listing…maybe I should go to Vegas?). And by the content of his email he could very well be that exact man I hypothesized about who wears ladies bras under his suits. His email was as follows:
“what sizes are the hoodie, shoes, bra and panty? can you describe what bra and panty look like? what colors are they? are they worn??”
Don’t you like how he tossed the hoodie and shoes into the mix? As IF he cares what sizes those items they are.
At first I laughed and laughed and patted myself on the back, “bulls eye, sucka!” I thought to myself. And then I showed Jon and he didn’t find it quite so hilarious. He looked at my listing, and pointed out that I put my full name in the description (at the time I thought it might be a selling point? Kinda, maybe, sorta?) And he reminded me that my shit is all over the internet so really, if this bra-wearing-panty-sniffing-dude wanted to find me, it would be as easy as a google search. And so we both jumped on the freak-out train.
We immediately deleted my listing (which contained my one and only bid to date). We then reposted it under a different user name and omitted my name in the description so now it’s completely anonymous. I unfortunately lost my one bid so far, but I also lost gatekeeper who knows the complete 411 on me, so it's all good. There are 4.5 days of the auction remaining—will I get a bid on my dirty shit or will I end up burning it?
Update #2:
My 3 months of sobriety is O V E R!!! As well as my 3 months of being dairy-free. Over bitches, all done!! This mofo went and got deeerunk on Monday night! That’s right, I’m getting all teenager on you and bragging about my binge drinking. In short, it was fucking awesome and everything I imagined it would be.
We went to a pool party and I treated my lips to sipping some tequila intermingled with the occasional drag off a blunt and ice-cold beer. Real beer people, not Buckler. Beer that makes you feel alive. And tequila, I just wanted the straight shit. I didn’t want any of its flavor to be diluted with lime or mixers. Nah, I just wanted to relish in the potency and burn of the liquor. It was divine. I couldn’t believe that I went without it for 3 ice ages months.
I'm back, back again
We started early so I quit drinking around 7:30 and by 9:00 I had what felt like a jackhammer breaking up a sidewalk in my cranium. I haven’t had a headache like that for, well, 3 months. It was excruciating. I mainlined water, popped Advil, whined and finally passed the fuck out (to Jon’s relief).
This morning when I woke up I immediately went to the gym before I could talk myself out of it and my sweat smelled something like that of a port-o-potty at a week-long concert that had sex with a teenage boys’ locker room and farted out a glob of rancid flesh. I mean, it was FOUL. All from a little tequila, beer and cheese. Who knew? I can’t wait to do it again.
Update #3:
You might remember that in July I cut out Trader Joe's dried pineapple as a minor experiment in quantum manifestation. The plan was to cut it out for one month (as I am severely addicted). Well get this SHIT: now that my month's up, Trader Joe's has stopped carrying it. I. Know. I've been to four Trader Joe's in L.A. and none of them carry it anymore. I also sent my Mom to hers in Reno. No fucking dried pineapple. As my friend Jenn said, this is exactly why you should never cut anything fun out of your life. You never know when it will be gone. Lesson learned. Thank god booze didn't disappear.
Update #4:
It’s a minor update, but I have a new crush. Thanks to my homegirl CC for turning me on to flat black nail polish and thanks to ManGlaze for making it inexpensive for those of us who are unemployed. You might recall my crush on flat black cars, but before I’m able to turn my Prius into a gangsta ride, I can have matte black nails. It’s mos def the coolest polish I’ve ever had and right now, I kinda want to marry my nails. I’m sure the Mormons and the Christian Right will be fine with that, right? Suckas.
My nails: the coolest part of my face.
Reader Comments (21)
ESPECIALLY at Trader Joe's! They change up WAY too often! When I go this weekend here, I'll look for it. If they have it, I'll buy a box load of it to help you with your addiction (yep, that's the kind of friend I am!).
No more pineapple rings?????? I FREAKIN LOOOOOOOOVE those and was looking forward to buying some while in Portland this week since Florida does not have a Trader Joes. WAAAAHHHHH. Maybe we could tattoo the pineapple rings on our arms and have them put in pineapple scented ink and we can scratch and sniff and lick it all day long. Prrrrrr.
Those are really cool pics! Love 'em!
Oh man, love the nails. And the drinking--yay! Congratulations! Don't know how you did it!!
Good call on the creep factor. You never know who's waiting in the bushes. I still think the auction is hilarious ;-)
LOVE the nail polish!
welcome back. we of the off-the-wagon type miss you. very cool pics!
Omg, your sweat funk description is hilarious!!! But disgusting!! Remind me never to work out with you. :)
Jules: OH. MY. GOD. If you would do that for me I would be yours forever. (not a big selling point?) Okay, if you would do that for me, i would send you cash and presents from H-Wood and anything you want. Fer real.
Boober: DEWD, you have to see if they have them in Portland!!! If they do, buy me some and I'll pay you back! Cross my heart!
Ben Ben: Thankee!!
Jenny: Yay, thanks! And seriously, I don't know how I did it either!
LiLu: Seriously, creeps, creeps everywhere! That's fine if they just want to give me money, but no stalking por favor! And thanks about the polish--it's unhealthy how obsessed I am, ha!
JE: When are we going drinking?? :)
Jeff Barns: Oh so disgusting! And no exaggeration!
my own experience with tj's dried pineapple is that it will, like mary poppins, show up when you least expect it. just keep looking. i think it might be a seasonal thing (i keep telling myself); it has disappeared and returned before.
Funny, I actually think "Update Your Prostate" has everything to do with your post. You updated yours with the sweet mixture of booze and cheese and we all know the outcome of that wicked combo.
Craig: Ha! It's totally like Mary Poppins! Will you check the SF TJs for me though? :)
Kneebucks: OH and it WAS wicked!!!
You go gurl! You've had a long, dry summer--you need to break out and have some fun finally! Good for you! And good for you quitting your job. Totally inspiring!
quantum manifestation... like quarks?
OMG. Another parallel. I've been playing with eBay, too. And by the way - love the bra and panty guy. Total fail at the veiled purchase attempt.
Ronny: Thanks dude! Amen on the fun!!
Mama-B: not quite like quarks...check out the post "Cut It Out." More like, taking away the shit that could be getting in the way of reaching our dreams. Weeee!
Colby: Wuhwuhwuh?!?! For serious, we are twins. And hahaha! Total fail at the veiled attempt! Mr. Dorkalot!
Smoke'm if you got um and drink one for me!!! :) Sounded like an ideal night!!! Love the flat black, I want some!!! And F trader Joes! That has happened to me so many times!! If I find some out here I'll ship them to you!!! Ha!!
Rebecca: Gurl! I knew you'd love the flat black! You need some--it will look totally hot on you!
1. i freaking love black nail polish and i'm currently busting it right now.
2. i think it's good you gave up the pinneapple habit, cus if not, imagine how tough the withdrawals would have been had you known there was no way you could get a fix?
3. thank you for leaving my prostate out of this.
Can I just say, I am happy that you finally treated your lips to something good...hahaha!
Blunt: 1. Fuck yeah! 2. Very true. Though, now I've enlisted my Mom into making it. I know, I'm sorry! 3. It was a tough choice, but I think it worked out for the both of us. Though, I think your prostrate kinda wanted the momentary fame? No?
Organic Meatbag: Right?! Finally!!!
First, I'm doing some catching up on some posts that I've missed while nausea has kept me from what's really important. Quick question: why in the fuck would you willingly take 3 months off from drinking?!?! I'm currently suffering through 9 months of accidentally self-imposed "don't want my baby to pop out of my womb retarded" none drinking hell and would like to know what person in their right mind would just take 3 months off for - as far as I can tell - no good reason?!?!
Second, Buffy - we were bestest friends in HS - why in the hell didn't you smoke blunts back then?!?! We would have enjoyed even more good times together!! We'll have to catch-up on that someday down the road.
Third, I too love matte nail polish - may I recommend gun metal as a 2nd best color to matte black?
Fourth & final - we don't even have a TJ's in freakin' Denver - so quit your bitchin' - I'm sure you can find some other healthy thing to feel bad about eating too much of. But even after all these years I remain in complete astonishment that your many addictions are to crazy-ass healthy items and you still try to "break yourself" of them. Sadly, it seems TJ's has finalized this one for you - R.I.P dried pineapple habit.