Dear Santa, You're Kind of an A-hole
Sunday, December 20, 2009 at 11:45PM I was inspired by my friend Veggie to write a letter to Santa. Here's a pic (compliments of my friend Byron) of what I wish all Santas were like, mad cool with a sweet sense of style. This is what I'd look like sitting on his lap. I'd tell him that all I really wanted for Christmas was some hair straightener and then we'd share a doobie.
Unfortunately, this pic is dated so I'm sure this Santa has since left office. And so...
Dear Current Santa,
It’s me, HHH. I know it’s been a while since I've written to you, but I’ve been busy working at Hustler, jacking off shrimp for Sizzlers, and growin’ dope. Oh, and being a very, very good girl. I even did some charity work, which gave me low back pain and an aversion to doing charity work. And no, Santa, I’m not just telling you all of the things that I’ve done so that you’ll click on my links increasing my daily page views. I’m offended that you’d even think I’d be that conniving. I will accept your apology in the form of:
1) A miniature sized set of the cast of Friday Night Lights. All naked please. I’d like to arrange them on my mantel like a nativity scene. It is my gift to Jesus for his birthday because I’m pretty sure he has a crush on Tami Taylor too.
2) A year’s supply of Grey Goose. (It’s for the children, Santa.)
3) An MTV that actually plays videos.
4) A fart vacuum for my dog’s ass. Snoots N Toots has the foulest, most repulsive gas known to man. It should be used in warfare. It is frequent and unapologetic. I would like to attach said fart vacuum to her ass at all times. It will be like a chastity belt, but instead of preventing anything from going in, it would suck out the death funk.
5) A new left eyebrow. I'm pretty sure my left brow has a cowlick and causes me insurmountable irritation.
6) A year’s supply of a fine tequila of your choice. (Again, for the children; quit judging me.)
7) A new liver.
8) A matte black paint job for my Prius along with gangsta rims and Mexican fringe for the inside of the windshield, Cheech And Chong style.
9) This t-shirt that my friend Wayne has.
I’ll stop there because I’m not greedy. I think this should make up for your judgemental ways that only a celebrity of your stature would possess. And by stature I mean you’re fat. I’m not leaving you cookies this year, but instead I’ll leave you with the lurking odor of Snoots’ fart fiesta. Ho Ho HO!
Reader Comments (26)
I loved MTV back in the day..... Videos.
Santa, please for the love of God give Buffy #4. It's like baby shit that has been sitting out in the sun all day long festering and bubbling and harvesting little maggott poops. :-)
But what about the ankle socks and cotton undies with the little blue snow flakes that are all wrapped up for you...? Have you been putting these on Ebay all these years? naughty, definately naughty.
That picture is amazing!!!
Jules: Right?? What ever happened to the good old music video?!
Boober: Haaaa! Never has a more accurate description been written.
Mama-B: I've been busted! But I got some pretty good skrilla for them!
BenBen: Amazing.
That t-shirt is so great! And can we add bourbon to the list?
Oh wow, I'd like a new liver too. And new eye sight. My hearings kinda shit too.
I love Santa's glasses! He was way ahead of his time. I never had a good experience sitting on Santa's lap. It's like something parents want you to do, but kids don't really ever seem to enjoy it. Am I wrong?
Yeah Wayne!!! That t-shirt was amazing!!!! Merry Christmas to my favorite HHH!
Jenny12: Bourbon fo sho. Ooh and Baileys.
Rach: Hell yeah, let's throw it all on the list.
Sara Foo: I never liked it either! Talk about fecking awkward.
Caroline: Gooo Wayne! Merry Xmas you fiiine woman!
Hahaha, the t-shirt! Excellent.
That santa, incidentally, looks like Sam Jackson on a bad day. Like he's one kid away from going "Get lost you little cocksuckers, Santa needs a motherfuckin' bourbon!"
Also, congratulations on making a Prius sound like it could be cool. Ha! I'm kidding. Although the Mexican fringe does sound bitchin'. :)
I heard that Jesus was Black and my friend William, but now Santa too! Who's next, Gandhi?
Buff; Watch out what you wish for.
Turns out that Santa Claus is actually Samuel L Jackson. Steer Clear.
When His Great HoHoHo-ness appeared at my house last year, I heard him crashin around when he came down the chimney....
I walked outta the bedroom and asked him "Hey What's Up, Santa"? .........he just..... Totallly.... Lost it....Took off his little red hat and started spoutin some Crazy shit about
"Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!!!.
And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!!!."
And started shootin the place up.....Popped a Cap in My roommate's ass.
Had to take him down to the E.R....14 hours in surgery...he STILL limps on his left side...
Goddamn Santa Claus.
Steer Clear of that Guy. I'm Serious.
Veggie: Haha! That would be the greatest Santa line EVER. I'd pay big bucks (wait, I don't have any money...) I'd flash a boob to see that!! And you know you want some of that fringe. ;)
Kneebucks: I'm pretty sure Oprah is too...
Rosamond: Oh damn! That shit sounds gnarly--ho ho mothafuckin ho! Santa's such a dick.
HAHA I laughed out loud at the "New Liver." I need one too... and probably some more brain cells and a new kidney while he's at it... I would like a Scrubs miniature set... and a vacuum for dog farts is just genius... pure genius. I'm putting that on my list too.
Best Christmas list ever. I especially love the tshirt and the naked nativity scene. If Santa doesn't give you at least half of what you've asked for, then you're right - he is a dick! Merry Christmas to Snoots & Toots, Jon and you, gorgeous girl!
http://www.threadless.com/product/282/The_Morning_After?streetteam=tcritic
who luv you? (not enough to buy the shirt, tho, i guess ... )
CLASSIC!!!! I love it!! I am ging to write one tonight!! Happy Holidays HHH
And after all that, The mofo had the unmitigated audacity to eat up my last "Big Kahuna Burger".
and ask "Can I have some of your Tasty beverage?".
Carissa: Holy crap, good call, I totes need more brain cells! I've been working really hard at killing them all. Hilarious, I love it!
Elise: You're right! Such a dick if he doesn't follow through. Merry Christmas to you too beautiful!!
Craig: Hahahahaha!!!
Karen: You have to write a list to Santa!!! Mandatory! :)
Rosamond: What a utter and complete A-hole!
That shirt rules.
Now, if we could get it with a picture on the back of a unicorn taking a rainbow shit, I think we'd have a best seller.
Shave your eyebrow. It will get rid of the cowlick. I promise.
I love Tami Taylor.
Moooog: Um, it has been written and now it needs to happen. STAT. I would never take that shirt off. Ever.
JE: That sounds fishy...
Colby: She is a goddess!
That santa is unbelievable, we need more of those!