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    My Dog's Personal Assistant

    Part of my weekly routine is taking Snoots N’ Toots on a hike at Runyon Canyon. For the non-Angelinos, Runyon is in the Hollywood Hills and contains multiple trails flooded with exercisers. Because of its convenient location and its impersonation of nature, Runyon’s always packed. Packed full of Angelinos getting a workout and showing off their new Dior sunglasses and designer canines.

    Even though I find the scene at Runyon douchey and absurd, and there’s many other less populated canyons to hike in L.A. (no really, there are) I still go twice weekly. It’s five minutes from my house and I’m a whore for convenience. And it’s better than walking Snoots N’ Toots around the same boring block twice a day, every day.

    Anyway, the other day the two of us are panting up Runyon and a woman coming the other direction stops us.

    “Excuse me, hi,” she says.

    I look around, is she talking to me? Fuck. I hate talking to people. Oh god, is she gonna try to get me to sign some petition like those annoying do-gooders outside of Whole Foods? I don’t have time for this lady; I have half a leftover burrito waiting for me at home.

    She continues, “I’m an agent with arguably the top agency in Hollywood.”

    Suddenly I have all the time in the world. Damn, why am I wearing my holey, 4-sizes-too-big “Don’t Bother Me I’m Crabby” t-shirt?! And would it kill me to be one of those girls who works out in mascara?! Calm down, Buffy, she obviously likes what she sees. She can tell that under the two-day-old, dirty hair and “I’m A Hustler” sweat-stained hat, that I’m clearly a star waiting to happen. Clearly. This is the shit dreams are made of! These are the stories that you read about in Us Magazine that make people from Boise move to Los Angeles! It only took six years to happen, but for the love of god, this is my moment. Come to mama.

    “Oh, really?” I say, about 3 octaves above my normal register.
    “Yes, and your dog is gorgeous. Does she have any on-camera experience?”
    “My who?”
    “You’re dog. Pet talent is a very competitive, but an extremely lucrative market. Is she already working?”
    “Working on her nap to eat ratio.” I bark out the joke. She doesn’t laugh. Agents never have been my target audience. “Um, no, she doesn’t have any ‘on-camera’ experience.”
    She continues, “Here’s my card. Call my assistant and she’ll schedule her screen-test. If she does well, I can get her an audition for the new Miley Cyrus movie. What’s her name anyway?”
    “Your dog’s.”
    “Oh, right. Sorry, um, Bella. But I call her Snoots N’ Toots.” Again, no laughter.
    “Bye Bella, see you soon.” And she’s gone.

    Okay, BACK the FUCK up. I look around as though I’m standing in the middle of a crime scene. There’s chalk outlining my ego. What just happened here? I’m sorry, does my dog have the “It” factor?

    My new life flashes before me: driving Bella to auditions, getting her manicures and pedicures (or is it just two pedicures?), waiting all day on set to make sure she gets the salmon treats because venison gives her the runs, answering her fan mail, running her website, checking her star meter on IMDB, and all the while still picking up her poop because after all, she is the bread-winner of the family. Oh. My. God. I’m becoming my dog’s personal assistant. Just when I thought my resume couldn’t get more ridiculous.

    I look at Bella. I try to hide my jealousy. “No really, it’s great! I’m so happy for you!” I say. She looks at me; I’m pretty sure she can feel the irony and injustice of it all. We have a moment. And then living up to her nickname, she lets one rip. Anyone who knows Bella knows that she has the skankiest gas known to man. It could clear a room by killing everyone in it, and its frequency is cruel and unusual. It should be used as modern-day warfare. Seriously.

    Well, well, well now, even Miss Superstar, Miss “I didn’t even want to be an actress, but I was discovered,” has her Achilles heal. Ain’t life a bitch. “You’re gonna have to work on that stank-ass of yours if you want to be a Hollywood big-shot, Toots.” And suddenly, after having my sense of self smeared on the trail, I’m lifted up by the satisfaction of being reminded that even the luckiest of us still have our foibles. All it took was one well-timed toot, thanks Bella. And hand on leash, we continued on our hike.

    Snoots, givin' me the stink-eye.

    Reader Comments (15)

    Classic! !! So funny Buffy! I love the line where you wondered if it would "hurt you to be one those girls that works out with mascara! " It would hurt you! The picture I took of you at Runyon would be so fitting for this post ! The funny thing is it made me wonder what the "agent" was wearing? .....Well, Bella does have the "it" factor....coming right out of her butt.

    July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Rodriguez

    Love it!

    "Impersonation of nature."

    Well written HHH.


    July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTim Coyne

    HI-larious! I especially love the part where the "agent" doesn't even laugh at the fact that you call your dog shoots 'n' toots because she has SBS or stinky butt syndrome! I don't care who you are--farting is funny and even funnier when it's a dog whose doing it!

    July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoolroy

    Buffy, This is hilarious. We're at Runyon Canyon once or twice a month (and it is NOT convenient from Manhattan Beach) b/c our dog, Errol, loves being off-leash and we can't find any other decent hikes that allow dogs off-leash. I'm disappointed to report that not once has Errol been approached by a talent scout. What does Bella have that Errol doesn't?? Good looks? Smarts? Could be any number of things, now that I think about it...

    July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNicole Kading

    "I look around as though I’m standing in the middle of a crime scene. There’s chalk outlining my ego."

    great line. it will haunt me every time someone takes a pin to my ego.

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlou lou

    "I look around as though I’m standing in the middle of a crime scene. There’s chalk outlining my ego."

    great line. it will haunt me every time someone takes a pin to my ego.

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlou lou

    Oh man, this is a great story and the hilarity speaks for itself. Only in L.A. would a person say, "Pet Talent is very competitive" FOR CHRIST SAKES....

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVincey Poop

    Maybe if you had chicken lips like Bella's then YOU'd get noticed. LOL when I read it. Looing forward to more.

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjd

    Good stuff, Buffy. I subscribed via RSS feed (my first one). Keep it coming. And, yeah I'm pretty sure it's just two pedicures.

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRyan Firpo

    My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard! Casey is totally regretting snubbing Bella at your house now.

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

    fine: cute,smart, funny AND you can wriite... waiting for the cocktail recipe (and next bloooog)

    July 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterzootz

    rofhmsl (rolling on floor holding my stomach laughing)! Hilarious!!! So happy for Bella!

    Here's a message from Diva...(apologies in advance...she's a jealous dog)

    "Scuse me?? Ms. Stanky Ass? I had that title 5 years before you ripped your first gas, toots. Ya, that's 1,825 days mo' than you, sista'. Come on over to my pad and I'll show you how to spread eagle and show dem nipples...screen test and all. Then we can bark over cappuccino."

    July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter1000needles

    hahaha this city is ridonculous

    July 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteralissa

    cool use of reflective dialog...makes for a distictive (hell, say it) voice. can you do it again?

    July 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstarvingriter

    Awesome! Awesome! Hilarious! I remember hearing this story from the 'other' Buffy, but it's much funnier the way you tell it here. This is one of those stories that reminds me just how bizarre this town really is. Also, I hear Bella is now taking improv classes at "The Growlings" - okay, I know that was lame but I couldn't resist. :)

    July 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAdam

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