Kreb Cycle vs. Super Mario 3
Tuesday, July 7, 2009 at 10:46PM As a freshman in high school, we had to take career tests. Career counselors came for the day, dressed in their gray suits (because that’s what you do when you have a career—you wear a gray suit) and they handed out scantrons and multiple-choice tests we were instructed to take. These tests were to inform us what we were good at, what we were bad at, and what job we’d have for the rest of our lives.
When I contemplate the concept of giving career tests to 14 year olds, I wonder what sweet ass weed my teachers were smoking. I’d like to buy an eighth. As a freshman my top priorities were finding a ride to Taco Bell and if I was going to be a starter in the home game on Friday or not. And what I knew about myself was that my novelty white girl bubble booty incited far more attention from the senior boys than my A cup boobs. So the thought of taking a test and having a person in a JC Penny suit tell me what I was going to do for the rest of my life was horrifying, yet thrilling. Sweet, I don’t have to figure out for myself what I’m going to do post grad-night senior year? Score! Because I had no fucking clue what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I liked music, bunnies and weekends.
Perhaps Mr. Gray Suit will reveal that I’m going to be an Olympian, even though I quit gymnastics when I was 6. Or the first female President? Or a jet pilot? Or a Nobel winner? My entire life I was a straight A student. Honors classes, the whole nerdy stressing to the max over every pop quiz, sort of bullshit. As if any of that crap ends up mattering in the real world. I wish I knew the pointlessness of it then because I definitely would’ve spent less time on flash cards of the Kreb cycle and more time on Mario 3. Princess Toadstool evades me to this day and I can’t even remember if the Kreb cycle is science or Shakespeare. (My scientist father is cringing at the expense of that joke. Sorry Pops.) So I was positive that my abilities were endless so I’d probably have several career options to choose from. Bring it on!
The test asked questions like, “With 5 being the highest, rate from 1 to 5 how much you like authority figures.” Ah, can I pencil in a 0? I’m 14; I hate anyone who tells me what to do. Of course, at 30 years old, that actually hasn’t changed. The test also asked shit like, “Do you want a permanent schedule, or would you like to set your own hours?” Again, no brainer. I would like to work a few times a week from 3:00 pm till 3:30 pm with a 15-minute break.
So the test went something like that and when we were finished, we made a line to go talk to the Gray Suits. They scored our tests with their very official businesspersons’ notebooks and then told us the careers that we’d pursue for the rest of our predetermined lives. Piece of cake, just like getting a flu shot. So all of my friends are being told, “Jonny, you’d be a great doctor!” “Jenny, it looks like you’re going to be a lawyer!” and “Sarah, you’re going to be an English professor!” You know all the typical crap your parents want you to be. Then it’s my turn. Yes, Mr. Gray Suit! What does my future hold?!
“Buffy, okay, let’s see now…” Gray Suit pensively looking at his wizard’s chart, “Well, hmm, I’ve never actually seen someone get this one. Well, it looks like you’re going to be a vending machine operator.”
A vending machine operator. No shit. Nothing against people who stock our vending machines, lord knows, I love me some M&Ms at the car wash, but doooood, this is career day for 14 year olds! What the fuck happened to dream big? Reach for the stars! I mean, why is that even a possible answer on the fucking test?! Let’s see, doctor, lawyer, President of the United States, and vending machine operator? I’m sorry, no offense, I wouldn’t really call that a “career.” It’s a last resort type of job. That’s when all your dreams have been crushed, and/or you’ve either gotten fired from your job or you’re so miserable at your current one that your choices are either a) light yourself on fire and jump out the 5th story window or, b) become a vending machine operator.
Flash forward to 6 months ago: after yet another terrible night at work, I was preparing to light myself on fire and jump out of a 5th story window, when I remembered the Gray Suit’s words. So, I put away the gas can and started researching how to operate vending machines. Did you know that the average vending machine operator earns $75 an hour! Not only that, they set their own schedule and except for when they’re stocking the machines, they work from home. So basically, the damn Gray Suit was right. I really am best suited for being a vending machine operator. If only I had taken his advice, I’d be at least a thousandaire by now working from 3pm till 3:30pm. Unfuckingbelievable.
I’m pretty sure that the lesson in all of this is that our dreams are much too big. If we set our goals lower, we avoid a lifetime of disappointment. If I had written that sentence five years ago it would’ve been pure sarcasm. Now it’s just mostly sarcasm with 10 years of disappointment eroding it underneath. Honestly, and I know this is very un-The Secret, but did my dreams eat any realistic potential for my own happiness? How do we find that balance? And in Los Angeles, a city of great expectations, how do we learn how to be content?
Reader Comments (11)
Wow!
What a great essay! Caught me off guard in the way it affected me. Ambition. Happiness. Youth. Dreams.
You gave me an early morning punch to the nuts.
Nice!
“I liked music, bunnies and weekends” (sounds like the Buffy that I know)
I think something KEY to remember is that yesterday’s “dreams” and “disappointments” don’t have to be today’s. Believe me, *sigh* this is something that I have to remind myself of every 5 minutes. I don’t think our dreams hinder us, but I do believe that we change on the daily, so it is ok if our dreams change too. I don’t mean that they need to get smaller or change that much, but instead of being something that we desperately are trying to get to, they can become again what motivated us and moves us to be better. Somewhere between traffic, friends, global warming, work uniform, guests at work ugh AND traffic our dreams become more of a nuisance than anything, but we have to remember to wake up on a new day EVERYDAY and be motivated to keep doing it with a smile. Today, I am not a published writer and I am not at wealthy as Lord knows I should be !! But I have so much more life and it will happen! Otherwise, I will steel your vending machine stocker option ! ......But I will get there and it will be sweet, but getting there is sweet too !! And just think your E! True Hollywood story will a good one to watch. :)
Did I get all "SECRET" on you? Do you want to slap me?
WTF msssss...rodriquez....give it up.......hadn't we just denoted the dimensions of this shoebox sized crapshoot called reality?
Buff, I remember taking the same stupid tests and DELIBERATELY trying to skew the results so that MY perfect career would be, of course, "Broadway Star." So while trying to outsmart this HIGHLY ACCURATE test and the JC Penney drone administering it, I unfortunately discovered that you can't f*ck with the career test. Despite giving the gayest, musical-iest, most obviously slanted responses possible (other than packaging my answers in an actual show tune) my career magic 8-ball revealed my future as....
A bookbinder.
A mother f*cking BOOKBINDER.
We're talking late 80s at this point... so while other people are focused on a career in emerging technology, apparently I was destined to work in a dying field. Maybe you could stock vending machines with my books?
As always, you're a riot. Hugz from the east coast.
Maybe you SHOULD stock vending machines with Skip's books! No really...remember the old lady on the corner you used to read to? You know, the fabulous letters from her old lady friends...all that juicy gossip. Well her son from N CA is a thousandaire because he is a vending machine operator. NO REALLY!! And he really does only work a few hous a day. Maybe you should rethink Ford's. Hell! maybe I should rethink al lthis traveling!
Buffy- Ran across your blog and am hearing ya sister! It's ridiculous that ANY test could predict where or what we are going to be in the future. Heaven knows I didn't expect to be where I am today (30 urgh!) but like you said "...our dreams are much too big." Maybe it's realizing that a dream is a dream, and always meant to be pursued but will never be obtained... until we look around us and appreciate what we have. I'm changing careers to vending machine operator :)
Random story, when I worked for an elected official one of our staff members in Washington D.C. and his wife used to operate bubble gum machines. You know the ones you put a quarter in and you pull out whatever color bubble gum ball your mouth will turn into in about 4 seconds. They lived in a beautiful home in the suburbs of Virginia and two children who both went to private school. He made 30k a year as a congressional staffer. You do the math.
Hi-larious Buffy. My career result was "Truck Driver" because I expressed an interest in traveling and loving this country. WTF?? I think "you should have your own show on Travel Channel because you are so awesome" would have been a much better answer. And instead, I ended up "Engineer" who travels occasionally and steers as far away from Truck Stops as possible. :) I laughed, got angry, and almost cried reading this post. Keep up the great work!
Funny stuff, working 3:00 to 3:30 with a 15 min break. Take that Puritan work ethic bull shit. "...learn to be content?' same quandry as finding hope in impermanance.
If you have 20 minutes, here's another test you can take to evaluate your self-worth. The Myers-Briggs personality test! http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Also, vending machines are a fantastic, entry-level entrepreneurial activity. I've looked into it. You can make a pretty decent side income working only a few hours a week. Not that expensive to get started either...just saying.
Cue "Dreams" by Gabrielle: Dreams can come true...
I took that test and it came out that I should be a Jockey! Sweet! For openers I'm 5'11''. I didn't want to be the Rudy of the horse world so I didn't take the tests advice and I've been paying for it ever since stuck in menial dead end jobs. Wait, is there an age cut off for Jockeys? Maybe it's not too late.