Dreams Really Do Come True, and all that shiz
Tuesday, January 12, 2010 at 11:45PM On February 4th, I’ll have lived in Los Angeles for 7 years. Being an aspiring artist anywhere, but I have to imagine, especially in this city, is exciting, demoralizing, inspiring, soul-crushing, a LOT of goddamn work, and sometimes, every once and a while, gratifying.
I had one such gratifying day this weekend. It had been a while.
As you know, because I won’t shut-up about it, 2010 and I got off to a bumpy start. I entered it with the terminator cold that was 2009’s last parting gift to me (thank you, you son of a whore), so up until this weekend 2010 looked like more of the same old bullshit to me.
And then there was Saturday.
Saturday was one of those days that life looks at you and says, “Here slugger, I’m gonna give you a freebie.”
I didn’t book any major roles; I didn’t get a check in the mail; I didn’t win any Most-Awesomeness awards, but all the sweet-ass little things that lined up made me feel light. Made all those bad days seem less bad. I attribute it all to having a run in with Fairfax Jesus Guy. I touched his robe. Just brushed it as we crossed paths on the sidewalk, but some Hollywood Holiness definitely rubbed off on me.
A quick tour of my day: (and there is a GRAND finale coming…)
***This guy was biking infront of me while I was driving. It’s hard to tell in this action shot, but he had a black, mini skirt on that he would spontaneously flip up to reveal his cheetah-print thong. He also wore a skimpy tank top in which he flaunted his man boobs. And he sported a beard.
At one point, in a voice of complete and utter agony, Jon said, “Oh god, his titties.”
I loved his titties and his flair. Things like this (read: crazies) make me LUURV Los Angeles. You will NEVER be the weirdest person here.
***I went to Urban Outfitters to get socks, but saw an adorbs shirt for $9 and decided to try it on…I mean, it was $9. It would be criminal NOT to. And what did I find? Urban Outfitters on Melrose has goddamn skinny mirrors! Aw snap. (Dudes, are you tuning out? Stick with me. I’ll talk about titties later.)
Skinny mirrors people! The ONE thing in Los Angeles to compete with everything else aimed at making you feel like a cow. After 3 weeks of not working out, I haven’t exactly felt toned. Those mirrors were like a hand job to my ego. Oh, and I got the shirt. Had to.
***Dried pineapple is back at Trader Joe’s. MOTHER OF GOD. Titties. When I saw it at Trader Joe’s I let slip a squeal. Yeah, a full on pig squeal. But I didn’t even care. Titties. Gotta have my dried pineapple. Thank you for supporting me through my forced withdrawal period.
***Here comes the grand finale, suckas. Get ready for this! Here’s a little necessary back story: for the last two weeks I’ve been watching a LOT of TV due to being el sicko. My brain most certainly is growing mold. One thing that I’ve become mildly obsessed about are those infomercials that that meth-head Vince does for the Sham-Wow and the Slap-Chop. I neeeeeeeeed a Slap-Chop. Slap-Chops chop up everything from veggies to nuts in just seconds. I need a Slap-Chop like Vince needs meth.
Anyslur, every year two of my good friends throw a party in January where everyone brings the worst Xmas gift they were given. They wrap it, put it under the tree, then we do a white elephant type thang with the horrible gifts. The rules are complicated, but basically you can steal gifts from other people.
There were 60 people at this party. There was me, one other woman, two straight guys and 56 GORGEOUS gay men. I mean, this is West Hollywood and that’s pretty much the demographic. I love going to parties at their house because the men are fabulous and they never stare at my tits.
They’re friends with some major actors (me being one of them, PSYCHE). So there’s a few “names” there, but the important one to this story is Neil Patrick Harris. And I love me some NPH. We’ve hung out at parties before and he’s always really sweet, fun, and generous. And who doesn’t love Doogie?
So the gift game has begun and it’s my turn to choose a wrapped present. Years past I always scoped out what could possibly be booze bottles given by the AA members at the party who somehow were given alcohol for Christmas (talk about bad form). You never wanna get stuck with the Sponge Bog ski mask or the cans of green beans. Or the paper, make-your-own Dradel that I brought. (One of our neighbors actually gave that to Jon as a real gift. He’s Jewish, but he’s not 7 years old.)
But this year, I took a risk. I went for a smaller, rectangular box whose tinsel caught my eye. I ripped into that bitch and what was it?
A MOTHERFUCKING SLAP-CHOP!!!
Who would give that away at a worst gift party?! That is the BEST gift. I let loose my second squeal for the day, shook my titties to the delight of the gay boys and sat down with my prize. And then seconds later someone stole it from me. Heartbreak.
That whispered loop began in my head that I only learned here in L.A. after 7 years of disappointments, “Of course that was too good to be true.” I didn’t pout in the corner or anything, but there was that teensy part of me that was bummed. Hell, I could buy a Slap-Chop off the internet at any second, but randomly winning one amongst a pile of shit? That’s magic.
Anysadface, the slap-chop continued to be stolen around the room 10 times (enter complicated rules here). Who knew it was such a hot item? It finally landed in the hands of Neil Patrick Harris who apparently is also a big fan. Motherfucker. Some people get it all.
So it’s the very last person’s turn and what does he do? He steals my gift, which was trail mix and some tea. Really? Go right ahead, be my guest. But what did that mean?! I had one more turn and then the game was OVER. After my turn, no more gifts could be stolen. END OF GAME.
What did my ass do? Damn straight, walked right up to NPH and stole that goddamn Slap-Chop. WHAT-WHAT!!!
I cannot even begin to tell you how gratifying that was. It’s absurd. But here’s me, a long-time struggling actor/writer, broke as a joke, hanging on to threads of hope, and I got the Slap-Chop. And NPH didn’t. It’s infantile, I know. And in reality I want everyone to have a Slap-Chop, billions and billions of Slap-Chops around the globe. I want NPH to have one for all of his houses. I don’t want anyone to cry anymore while cutting onions.
But on Saturday night, only one person could have a Slap-Chop. Only one person was the winner. And that person was me.
The score now rests at Hollywood: 657,352,091 Buffy: 1
I’m comin’ back suckas.
“Today was a good day.” –Ice Cube
Reader Comments (31)
Oh yeah!! SUck on that, NPH! Love your work, Buffy!
Ya know, my 7 year mark in L.A. sparked an engagement. Just saying is all...........
You've seen the Slap Chop Rap, right?
SO JEALOUS!!!! a) NPH b) Slap-Chop c) that game sounds fun! You, my friend, are officially the Most Awesome-est actor/writer/blogger ever. Or at least for right now, but that's better than nothing. Awesome.
Good story! I'd wager it'll hold up as the best one I read today.
Great wild life photo! I mean, mini skirted, cheetah thonged bike dude in broad daylight, wow!
totally made me laugh, out loud, at work, in an office that is 7ft x 15ft and that I share with three other people! It was awesome! AND it makes me totally want a slap chop. never seen one, never even heard of one until today, but I want one.
You got a Slap-Chop?! Jealous!!!
Elise: Haha! Thanks, Elise! Right back atchya!
Boober: NO COMMENT to the first part. :) And nooooooo, there's a slap-chop rap?! I'm googling it NOW!
Jen O: Right on!! Thanks so much, Jen! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
Zoots: Right? He was priceless--worth a thousand rainbows. Or at least 3 or 4.
Shoolroy: Hooray! And you've never seen a Slap-Chop?! Well, this probably says good things about you. Ha! But YES, you really do NEED one. It's as much a past-time as it is a cooking device. :)
BenBen: I MIGHT let you borrow it...
Ohhhhhh man!!! You swing in big crowds playa! And Vince is CRAZY. But great.
Dried Pineapple is back?!?! Thank god, I thought you were about to pass out. Are you binging on it? Do you have a surplus stashed away? :)
I looooooooooooove NPH. Is he as gorgeous in person?? I've had a crush on him since Doogie. I was always jealous of Wanda (was that what her name was? What a weird name.)
Jenny12: He's craaaaaaaazy. But I totally love him. None of his lines are scripted right? They just can't be. But who thinks of that shit? Brill.
Rach: TOTES have a surplus stashed away!! You know it!
Ronny: He's totally good looking in person...but you know he's gay right? Just checking. Yeah, he's a babe and super cool. :)
Ohh Buffy... I am always ALWAYS team NPH, but I am so happy that you won this one!!! I am also obsessed with Vince and the oh so fabulous slap-chop, and if I lived within 5 hours of you I would leave right now to come to your house and try it out and then steal it. I mean it did belong to Neil Patrick Harris, foo.
Also, I think I need to move to where you live for the sole purpose of seeing thong man on a bike. Amazing. I will have sweet sweet dreams tonight now that I've seen this!!
I love that slap chop guy! ";; I didn't have to use my AK"
oh MAN! We have been drooling over the Slap Chop and Graty (you know when we're not skewering it with our crazy wit) for months. The commercial is THE TITS (titties!). He's just scary as fuck and hilarious all at once, particularly that last little head thrust at the camera at the end that says "buy my shit or I'll drill out your innards while you sleep, btich!". And wait till you see his nuts! I want a Slap Chop too! They look awesome, for real. Who wouldn't want that and the cherry would be getting your Slap Chop from NPH! Are you slapping your troubles away yet? Don't have a boring life Buffster!
Interestingly, I thought Vince only slapped not chopped. And only hookers. Maybe hookers should stay away from him in case he starts chopping too. Food for thought?
Carissa: You really have to move here. I mean, there's so many reaons: using my Slap-Chop, thonged biker titty man, NPH, and ME!!! :)
KM: YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. You rule me.
Veggie: The Graty!!! Now I absolutely must get the Graty! And ha! that "buy my shit or I'll drill you" stare is so creepy! And yet so beguiling. Omg Veg, you're so hilarious. If I were to count the laughs you gave me...
you have restored my faith in the rightness of the universe. i have had these days, they are panaceaic (yes, it's (now) a word). now, 'xcuse me, it's off to trader joes
There you go, evening it all out a little. Poor NPH probably cried himself to sleep over the loss of slapchop, as it should be.
Great story, Buffy.
that is the most awesome story ever! you and your slap-chop rock!
Craig: Now THAT is a fabulous word! Love, LOVE. xoxo
Steamy: I'm like the scale for the universe. Well, only once every decade or so. Thx, Steamy!!
Claire: Whoop-whoop! Thx Claire!
you are fucking awesome !!! this story made my day :)
Love, Love, Love!
I WOULD LOVE A HAND JOB TO MY EGO, PLEASE!
Karen: Awww, hooray!
Caroline: Love love love YOU!
Kneebucks: I know, I could get about 10 more please.
Okay, this was your best post yet! Not sure why exactly but let's first start with the reference to Fairfax Jesus guy. So glad you were able to brush against his holiness. Then, the picture of the scary half naked guy riding his bike in traffic with a piece of dental floss up his ass was just priceless. Yes, only in L.A. do you see those kinds of things. Well, maybe in Bolinas (I'm sure you've been there, hippie capital of the world.) But, the story about NPH and the white elephant gift was truly spectacular. I love living vicariously through you. I cannot look at Doogie the same way again.
You may not appreciate the fact that I ripped on Trader Joe's a bit in my most recent post. I may have to go there and get myself some of those dried pineapples. I did see them and wondered why they rang a bell.
I have the biggest girl wanna have him for my best gay pal crush on NPH.
I could watch How I met Your Mother and his wicked sense of humor all day.
And sheznatch...you got the Mtherfing Slapchop? SHUT your face. What's better than buying it? Winning it at a party. Bonus points if you can steal if from someone with loads of money.
:)