Poor Man's Paris Hilton
Monday, January 18, 2010 at 12:00AM Okay, SHUT. The. Door. I have entered a wormhole.
A few days ago I had this horrifying realization: I have become the poor man’s Paris Hilton. A very, verrrrry poor man’s. Like, this guy is not only homeless, but he doesn’t even have a shopping cart. And maybe not even pants. I am his Paris Hilton.
This is why.
10. We are both blonde. Ish. I’m pretty sure my natural hair color is somewhere between tree bark and potato skin, but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen it since high school. Although, it’s a safe bet that rich Paris has never seen her real hair, head or pubic.
9. We both have accessory dogs. Hers is 3 lbs and mine is 30 and farts in my face, eats tampons and has saggy titties, but they’re basically twins.
Snoots posing for the paparazzi
8. We both like booze.
7. We’ve both had run-ins with the law. I was 16 and we were caught with Keystone Light and I had a freaking jerk-off Parole Officer up my ass for two years, and rich Paris got some DUIs and drove without a license a few hundred billion times and was sent to jail, but same diff.
6. We’re both recording artists. It’s pretty obvious that I have her beat on this one though. Money can’t buy you production value. Oh wait, yes it can.
5. We both love shopping. But she gets to do it and I don’t.
4. We both have some pretty awesome B movies, but really, we’re both just famous for being famous… Butterflies riding unicycles and chain smoking goldfish talk to me.
3. Neither of us have time to have jobs because of our overwhelming social life. I’m still trying to convince Unemployement of this.
2. We both have vaginas. I’ve shown you mine way too many times already, but here’s hers:
And the number one reason why I am the poor man’s Paris Hilton?
1. We both have sex tapes.
Yeah, you read that right. During a recent trip down googling myself lane, I found that there is a Buffy Charlet sex tape on the world wide web.
After cleaning up the diarrhea from my pants, I clicked the link. Oh god, there were a few too many blurry nights in my 20s. And by blurry I mean, I was maybe conscious. Oh god, oh god, what did I do?!
Panic.
Gulp, breakfast burrito making an encore appearance in my mouth…
And then there it was, THE tape.
But wait, where was I? Who was this hot girl with the big titties? Ahh, hmm, nope, that’s not me. Doesn’t even look like me. REEEEElief. And then relief turned into a pile of WTF? First of all, I’m the only Buffy Charlet. No big surprise there. So who in the fuck is using my name to make a sex tape?
I was pissed off, then confused, then mystified and then, well, pretty flattered. I mean, at least they picked a hot chick with a good set of fakies. But unlike rich Paris, my sex tape has done nothing for my career or my ability to attract mad cash.
Typical. So I will be taking my Slap-Chop and making salsa for me and my homeless friends. Sorry rich Paris, you’re not invited.
On another, completely unrelated note, let’s have a school photo contest! This was Kneebucks's idea inspired by this photo:
HHH in 1st grade So send me your cutest, dorkiest, or most redonk school photo and I’ll post them all and then everyone will vote. Winners get an original Hustler letter from my collection. Oh no she didn’t! Yes, yes for realz.
The deadline is this Saturday, January 23rd. Send your pics to hhhsucka@yahoo.com
DO IT. Please and thank you.
Reader Comments (31)
If I hadn't have burnt all my school photos (well, the few that were ever taken) I would definitely send them to you.
You're so getting a "my awkward moments pic." Ugly duckling phase. Just to warn - I was not a pretty kid. Don't I sound like a supermodel?
Believe me, you don't want to be Paris Hilton. Also, she has sasquatch feet, size 11! Heiress type people who never had to work are the most emotionally retarded, fucked up, insecure, low-self esteem big babies in the world. Trust me, I've seen plenty of them. You on the other hand, know how to survive and in the most interesting, creative ways, I might add. You will do the good, the bad, and the ugly, in the name of survival and experience, and then write about it. Do you think Paris Hilton could write a blog like this? I think not. If everything were taken away from Paris, she'd fall on the ground, crying for her mommy like she did when she had to go to jail. You on the other hand, are like McGuyver, you'll take whatever is there and turn it into an opportunity. Paris does not have this kind of strength because she never built it. So.....I couldn't find Buffy Charlet porn star....only you, for several pages....at least silicon Buffy is not popping up first in the search....that's probably a good thing, isn't it?
There's nothing so beguiling as a sweet toothless grin.....that is the cutest picture ever, of you.
And btw, your girl Snoots could benefit from taking probiotics, if you're getting sick of fart-scented air in your apartment. We started adding it regularly to my sister's dogs diet, and what do you know, no more stinky farts.
my goal is to have a sex tape on the web. you are my idol. even if it's not really you.
Ellie: Burnt them?! Nooooo!
Colby: OMG, I cannot wait! And wait till you see my ugly duckling phase--HILARIOUS!
Benjies: You are too kind. Yeah, heiresses usually make me want to puke. I've waited on them all. Luckily, I never have any worry of really becoming one! Ha! Thank you for the compliments--you just made my morning, Benjies! And I've secretly hoped for a McGuyver reference. :) Probiotics! Great idea!! xoxo
Claire: Ha!! YES. :)
You are freaking hilarious. Those photos are great.
Snoots is such a diva!!!
School photo contest--awesome!!! I'm in!!!
Tpo many gafaws to count...
Jenny12: Garsh, yay.
BenBen: TOTAL diva.
Ronny: Sweet! Send 'em over!
Putweet: Yay! I love gafaws!
You and Paris, who knew? I wager though that you never had a Greek shipping heir up your cooch and she had TWO. Almost simultaneously! Also, you need to get some coloured contacts to make your eyes another colour to be Paris. I remember Paris in the NY post gossip pages in the nineties all darker hair and brown eyes. Also, you need to get more diseases. :)
I am so sending you a school photo.
Hilarious. Breakfast burrito line is a classic :)
I'm sending you my 3rd grade braided hair fail today.
What the hell is wrong with Paris' knees?? She could shiv someone with those things.
you are so fucking funny! you have given me a great start to my week!!!
Veggie: You're totally right. I've never had a Greek heir up my cooch, but I DID have a gyro up my cooch once. Does that count? JK OMG LOL that's hot. Psyyyyche. Deeewd, I cannot wait to get your pic!!!
Kneebucks: Thankee!! :)
Steamy: I thought the same thing about her knees! They could be dangerous weapons. I can't stop looking though, eww. Save me. I can't wait to get your pic, Steamy!!
E Reid: Haaaaaaappy!!! xoxo
Okay...you made me snort today. Glad I was done with my moring tea.
...Benjies - I've been takin probiotics for three weeks and I am farting more than ever (that means A LOT).
Eewww! Piggy says, "why doesn't she get a knee job?" Those are the nastiest knees I've ever seen. You, BC, make me laugh so hard that I fall outta my chair. SOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!
I can't see that Hilton woman without thinking about ostriches. You look nothing like an ostriche therefore you win. I don't know what the problem is with young Hollywood starlets airing out their little pink plucked vagenies in public but as a dude I like to have a little bit of imagination about what a lady keeps in her Vcitoria's Secret panties. A feather boa? A piano? A statuette of Napoleon? I don't know and I don't want to. I like mystery in my ladies.
JD: Yay, snorting accomplished! Oh man! Good to know bout the probiotics!! I think we'd all die if Snoots tooted any more!
PigPen: She totes needs a knee job! You're right!! Weird ass mofo knees! And hoooray! Thank you, Pigpen!!! :)
Tony Spunk: Right?! They air them out as if they need to breath oxygen. It's ridiculous. I'm all for the mystery too--gotta keep 'em guessin.
OMG That picture of Bella is adorable!!!! You crack me up!! Your natural hair color is a dark blonde, a pretty color!!!! And I love your little girl picture aaahh, little Buffy!!! I will try to send a picture... with my busy schedge these days I don't know if I can find the time!! ;)
Maybe I'll get a sex tape of ClaireMontgomery (not shot by me...) and send THAT to you!
You just need to stuff the bull dog in your hand bag and troll the Hotel du Cap.
OH MY GOD, I WANT TO PUNCH PARIS IN THE FACE! While wearing a fist full of knuckle dusters. Sweet baby Jesus, do not compare yourself to her! She is the pantless, homeless man's Buffy Charlet.
Rebecca: You are too kind! Dark blonde is a nice term for potato skin. ;) I have to have a Rebecca photo!! I can't even imagine how cute you must've been!!!
Jules: Don't make promises you can't keep!
TheOldMule: I need a damn big purse for that! Ha! Maybe Snoots can carry me around? Or I can ride her? Ha!
Elise: That is the coolest compliment! You are too kind Mss Thang! xoxo
You ARE the poor man's Paris!!! But I like you much much MUCHHHHHHH better than I like her!!! I laughed so much at this post. I can't believe someone out there made a sex tape and used your name! I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little J. I wish someone out there would make a sex tape using Carissajaded. It sounds whorish enough I think.
I don't have any school pics with me here but I'm sure I have something that is awkward from when I was a kid!! I'll send it anyway! I love your pic.