2010 - The Year of Big Pimpin'
Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 11:45PM Haaaaappy New Year!!! How was everyone’s New Year’s celebrations? My New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day and the entire weekend consisted of me being face-planted on the couch with a mofo of a cold. Body aches, fever, sore throat, cough, sinus headache, sneezing, bleeding out the butt, my left arm fell off, my tongue blew up, and so much snot I even grossed out Snoots. Yes, even the dog who eats tampons and whose farts could be used as deadly warfare was grossed out by the snot factory that took up residence in my head.
I have a buffet of cold/flu medications, none of which even dented any of my symptoms. Poor Jon made the trip to Rite-Aid approximately 4,758,094,130 times, but the hope of each new pill and cherry flavored syrup left a hole of disappointment when after an hour I still felt exactly the same—like a shit casserole.
My homegirl C Ros who was also sick hypothesized that it was ’09 being purged from our systems. I have to agree. And I like that theory better than me just not taking good care of myself.
Most of my energy is focused on putting balm on the desert tortoise elbow that used to be my nose, but I was able to hack up this post. The obvious thing to do would be to tell you my New Year’s resolutions. And since one of my New Year’s resolutions is to be more obvious, here they be.
1) Okay, it’s not that I like swearing so fucking much, it’s that I have to swear so fucking much. Look at me.
In 2010 I resolve to swear even more. Fuck you very much.
2) Recently I realized that no one is a fan of any Seattle sports teams unless they’ve lived there (yes, I was stoned when I realized this). I’ve always been a Raiders fan from A) living in Norcal, and B) gangsta rap. For a long time the Raiders have sucked, but I can’t just go and suddenly become a Seahawks fan (pahahahahaaa! The Seahawks! Puh-lease!), but I don’t have a basketball team…this is odd because I love me some basketball and basketball players’ arms. Now I could become a Lakers fan since I live in L.A., but I think the Lakers are a potpourri of assloafs so in 2010 I’m going to be a Supersonics fan (Jesus Christ that’s a stupid name), just cuz I think it’s funny and it might distract me somewhat from my Bravo addiction. But probably not.
What I don’t understand though is why they’re called the Supersonics, but their mascot is clearly a Sasquatch. Can anyone enlighten me on my new team’s discrepancy? He does look like a pretty pimp Sasquatch though.
3) Over the last few years I’ve developed a fear of earthquakes like one might develop a taste for Cognac—it’s crept up slowly and unexpectedly. Now I do live straddling the San Andreas fault line and since I was a kid there’s been talk of California cracking off from the US and falling into the ocean. Whenever I stumble across Bill O’Reilly I think this would actually be a less painful option, but on good days I’d like to remain above the Pacific Ocean.
Recently there’s been talk that “the big one” is gonna hit in 2010—great something else to freak me out in addition to public drinking fountains and circus peanuts. The biggest culprits to set off my earthquake tweak-out buttons are parking garages and elevators, but as every Angelino knows, these are impossible to avoid unless you’re planning on being a shut-in (which isn’t a bad option…) So my solution, or shall we say, resolution, is to be in L.A. as little as possible in 2010. Haha earthquakes, go fuck yourselves.
4) If there’s one thing I love, it’s a good salsa bar. I’m not someone who eats a hint of salsa with my chips. Oh no, salsa is my entrée. So when I find a good salsa bar at a Mexican joint, it’s ON. Fuhgettaboutit. It’s almost obscene how much salsa I can shove down my throat. I’ll have an orgy with picante, chipotle, fire roasted, tomatillo, any day of the week. I resolve to find all of the good salsa bars in L.A. in 2010 and make sweet, sweet love to them.
I know these are lofty resolutions—I’m really pushing myself here in the new year. But I’m fattened up from the holidays so I think I’m up for the challenge. For the last four years my friend Jane and I have donned each new year with the title, "The Year of Big Pimpin," but I think 2010 really is going to be it. Once my sinuses have cleared and I’m no longer a mouth breather, I look forward to leaving the house and giving 2010 a spin. Until then, I think I might attempt a shower and a change of pjs. Who am I kidding, I hate setting myself up for failure, just a change of pjs will do.
Any resolutions of your own?
Reader Comments (34)
My resolution for today is to get that song "Supersonic" out of my head..... Hope you feel better!!
So sorry you've been sick. I keep praying I don't go down that road of chapped nostrils and phlegm. I resolve with you to swear more, not less! I have no problems with exercising my right to drop epithets left and right. There is something therapeutic about it. I feel confident I can live up to that one.
Take care of yourself.
Hilarious realization about the Supersonics! I don't know anyone who's a fan! Well, except you now. :)
I was sick too!!! UGH! The worst. So depressing sitting home on New Year's! What a way to bring in the new year! Blah!
I love swearing and I love salsa--can I adopt your resolutions?
Jules: haha! That's a terrific resolution. Let's take these resolutions day by day.
Jen: It's so therapeutic! I'm confident in our ability to maintain this resolution!
BenBen: I think I am now the number one fan, rad.
Jenny12: Totally depressing! Being sick is such bullshit.
Ronny: Absolutely!
I resolve to take more naps! And not get sick in 2010. We'll see about that though...
Besides the obvious resolutions: be a better person, get in better shape, I am resolved to travel more, take a Spanish class, and stay healthy. And, I think I'll hop on the cussing more band wagon; in other words, I should hang out with my family more, preferably at the Virginia City bars. Hope you feel better soon!
In 2010 I was gonna try to swear less.
Yeah.
Not sure what the fuck I was fucking thinking about there. What an asshole.
Ahhh I love it.... some of your best writing... you should get sick more often....JK!!!!! ... hope you're feeling better!!! Ya as you know... me too .. sick.. what a way to bring in 2010!!! My resolutions are to : love my hubby more and everything else a little less, meditate more, and get a job. Happy 2010, this year is gonna be good...I can feel it!!!
Jeff Barns: Nice! Yes, more naps mos def!
C Ros: I would looooooooove to go to the Virginia city bars with you and your family!!! Can I huh, huh, please?!
Mooooog35: Ha! Yeah, c'mon, let's get our priorities straight.
Rebecca M: Ha--noooo!! ;) Aww, I love your resolutions!! Here's to 2010!
My resolution is to use the phrase "potpourri of assloafs" at least once a day because it is fucking AWESOME. I'd like it on a t-shirt with a picture of Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity on it.
Also to find some good liquor as you know. And to make 2010 indeed BIG PIMPIN'.
Feel better! I've had a sinus infection for about six years (it seems) so I sympathize TOTALLY.
Dude - I will show a salsa bar who's boss with you ANY TIME!!
Like my main man Ice Cube once said, "It's ironic. I had the booze she had the cronic. The Lakers beat the Supersonic. Today was a good day."
Veggie: HOLY SHIT, we need to make that t-shirt!!! For reals! Sinus infections are murder. I'm telling yours to go fuck itself right now.
Ruthy: Oh IT"S ON!!! First stop, Sharkey's...
Kneebucks: I heart you for quoting Ice Cube!!! Aw snap.
OK, my resolution for 2010 is to happily bop along the road with no detination in mind.
If you're going to be a Supersonics fan then so am I. We can be our own cheerleading squad. But, do you have any studio connections to acquire a used Wookie suit? That mascot is surely Han Solo's BFF. We can dress up your mom.
"2010: The Year of Big Pimpin'" is my new mantra. Thank you HHH and feel better!! :)
Mama-B: Oooooh, I love that! I aspire to that...not sure if I'll ever get there though.
Asleep: HAHAHA! I think she'd be game. Can our cheerleading squad wear pjs and eat pot brownies? :)
Caroline: Hellz to the yeah! Hey, you and I need big pimpin' time!
I resolve to leave the stress valve open so that all wound up vibes instantly dissipate. Oh and also, I resolve to NOT beat myself black and blue with a tambourine this coming Christmas Eve.
I resolve to be better, stronger, faster! (I guess that means I'll be the bionic man).
What the hell is wrong with circus peanuts?!
OK I just looked at the "Wud Up, Bitch" pic again. What is wrong with that girl's legs on the left? Can you say ANN OR EX EE AH!?
My resolutions are the same ones from last year. Enuf said. Some goals simply cannot be attained in one year's time, ok? Seeklng out salsa bars, however, is one i can add to the list, and very do-able in one year. i too, can live off of salsa and chips, just have to find the really GOOD salsa bars, with variety and fresh ingredients. As for the Supersonics, never heard of them, but I sure love the Yeti! The bit about 'stumbling onto Bill O'Reilly' etc, making earthquakes and falling into the ocean a better option is fucking funny! ( I could passionately eviscerate O'Reilly all day long, and still not be satisfied). And my new go-to
phrase for this year will have to be 'a potpourri of assloafs'. This expression kinda boggles my funny bone. Is this an HHH original?
JD: Ha! Yes, we need to get you padding for next year's tamborine Olympics!! :)
Pigpen: Tell me you don't like circus peanuts...the ones that you buy at 7-11 and are gummy, over-sized, orange horror-shows, not actual peanuts that you get at the circus. Do you like the gummy ones?!?! And that's exactly what I did about that girl's legs--I took a double-take. WTF. I want to shove cheeseburgers down her throat.
CumOnOver: Have you seen that BIll O'Reilly rant on youtube? Oh god, if not, you must do it now. He FREAKS out when he thinks he's not being recorded and then someone leaked it. It's BRILL. He's such a fucking dick. And yes, "potpourri of assloafs" is indeed an HHH original. :) I'm glad you like it! We need t-shirts!
Girl you keep yourself safe from those earthquakes. Feel free to come and chill in Texas if you need. The only danger we have is tornadoes, oh and crazies with guns!!! And i could live off of salsa. I literally have at least a few bites with blue corn chips everyday after work. I'm addicted to finding new ones. Right now my favorite to buy is mrs renfros. YUMMILICIOUS!