Lost and Foundski
Sunday, February 13, 2011 at 4:20PM Whoa, seriously, where in the hell have I been?
Mostly just working. Socializing, auditioning, getting my feet back on the ground after the assquake that was 2010, but mostly just working.
There was some grand mistake made when I was born into the working class. I was meant for far greater things. Things like, doing nothing. I need more nothing in my life. I crave some good old-fashioned wall staring. But until I can actualize my destiny, I will have to cope with being a werkin jerk, with intermittent moments of the ridiculi.
Since we were together last, I’ve had several moments of ridiculi (naturally), but two moments stick out and can be additionally filed into the sub-category of mortification.
Moment Numero Uno:
Lemme preface this story with a simple fact: I’m terrified of filing my tires with air. It’s one of those reasonless fears like some people have towards creepy crawlies. Deep, deep down inside my bone marrow I’m convinced the tire’s going to explode in my face.
I usually “just so happen to notice” that I need air when any unexpecting male is in my car. I kidnap them to the gas station so they’re obliged to perform the terrifying task. I do believe it’s the one time that I completely and utterly pull the chick card.
But for an entire week, the “low tire” light on my dash had been on. I was working a bazillionty hours and couldn’t find the time to perform the kidnapping of a penis. After a week of that light mocking me, I decided that I needed to grow the fuck up, become an independent woman for chrissakes, and put air in my tires.
After giving myself 476 pep talks, I drove to the gas station and eyed my formidable opponent: the air machine. Gulp. Diarrhea. Vomit.
I unscrewed all the caps, slid my four quarters in (btw, four quarters for AIR?! Goddamn crazy is what that is) and took a deep breath. And then. Pressed. Go!
Air shot out of the hose like a machine gun. I ran around like a maniac, shooting air into each tire with my eyes closed. I don’t know how to read the gauge of how low each tire is (yeah, yeah, I know) so I just put air in every tire till the hose turned off. When it did turn off, I stood up, sweating, huffing and puffing, a little light headed, and reeking of pride. I puffed up my chest, having just slayed the dragon for all to see and noticed that I had some admirers of the male variety.
Two mensies in particular were staring at me, with gaping mouths and wide eyes. This is when I fully realized just how cool I was. Yeah, that’s right, boys, I just filled my tires with only the help of my vagina. I’m pretty goddamn awesome. I’m an independent, fearless woman who can do anything. I gave a cocky toss of my hair and sauntered over to screw on the first tire cap thingamajig.
But upon looking down, I saw that my entire left boob was exposed. MY ENTIRE BOOB. Not just a nipple, oh no, the full handful of boobtown, swinging out of my v-neck shirt. I wasn’t wearing a bra, cuz let’s face it, they’re more show than anything for me, and apparently in my intense concentration and fear swallowing, I didn’t notice that my BOOB was exposed for all to see.
I looked something like this:
Oh sweet Jesus.
I cupped the sucker and shoved it back into my shirt. I swung open the door and Greg Louganis’d into my car, bonking my head on the steering wheel. Oh god oh god oh god ohgodohgod!!!
I started my engine and trying to act as normal as possible, screeched my way out of that gas station, mensies still staring. I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, who shows off their boob at a gas station? Me. Apparently I do. But even the public nudity didn’t ruin my feelings of pride for tackling my fear and putting air in my tires.
Until I looked at my dashboard and saw that damn “low tire” light still on. God fucking damnit. Maybe I’ll just stick with being a werkin jerk.
Mortification Moment Numero Dos to come…
Reader Comments (24)
Why oh why couldn't I have been there?
Omg hilarious!!
I thought your illustration was the high point, but then "Greg Louganised" as a verb just killed me. Oh my God. Don't worry though, it's gotta happen at least once in your lifetime. I think that's a rule.
BenBen: Because there is no God.
Jenny12: :)
Steamy: You're so amazeballs. Oh how I love thee.
Bahahaha! Seriously? I love your whole ballsy "I"m a fucking WOMAN who can DO STUFF!" approach, then realizing you were flashing the world. It's like a wonderful porno. At the garage. And dude, I'd pay to see you pump air with your vagina. That would be a master queef to end all. :)
Wait till your next ad airs. Those dudes will be at some sports bar or other manly haven of sweatiness and they will suddenly stop, mid beer and go "HOLY SHITBALLS DUDE, THAT'S THE BOOB CHICK FROM THE GARAGE!" and go IMDB your ass. That's how fan clubs start!
Because...I'm sure IMDB will accept "boob chick from garage" as a search query, no?
I am deeply sorry for your embarrassment...but if it's any consolation - I laughed out loud multiple times.
Annnnnddd I have no idea how to change the air in my tires so you've got that on me.
Oh. Dear. God.
I know I should feel bad for you but the whole time I'm here thinking, "She's somewhere warm enough to not feel like her nipple is being pierced by icicles." I'm moving to LA.
Veggie: Holy crap hilarious. Boob Chick from the Garage is totally my new cult name. You're amazing.
J: I don't either! It was a major fail moment. I had to get a friend do it properly the next day!
Elly: Good point. It was a lovely 78 degree day. Sorry to rub it in!
Love this story! Thanks for sharing your mortifying moment with us. :)
I too have a boob story to share: when I was in college, there was one of those punk rock music festivals at Boreal that I went to with my boyfriend and his friends. At said festival, there was an inflatable obstacle course. Me, being the amazingly athletic person that I pretend to be, decided to do this course. Naturally, I wanted to win, so I went as fast as possible. The last obstacle involved sliding face first, belly down, on a slide to the finish line. I crossed the line, getting the fastest female time, then looked down to notice that my boob was hanging out of my tank top with built-in bra. Embarrassing. Worst part is that later in the day, some other girl got a faster time (by only 10 secords), but I was so afraid of boob fall out, I let her win.
laughed so hard water squirted out my eyes (vagina)
Well, that is one DEFINITE way to get a guy to come over and offer to help. Should have waited a little longer.
C Ros: Wow, uh-mazing! Is there one of those crossing the finish line photos?! Please say yes!! What a great story.
Putweet: Yay! (vagina)
Ed: Very, very true. I totally jumped the gun.
Let's hope no one took pictures on their cell phone, or you caught it just in the knick of time before they whipped out their....cameras. Yikes! (i thought Jon filled your tires....?)
OMG, so funny! nice drawing too!
this is classic!! only you HHH, i love it!
Olivia: Eeek, oh god, I hope that shit doesn't end up on youtube! And Jon usually does, but I figured I should learn. :)
Kim: Aren't I so artistic? PSYCHE! Haha.
Ronny: SO true.
Wow... the illustration was good, but Greg Lougaines'd it? Bwahahahahahahaha... great to see you again lovely. Loving the weather here in SoCal recently I have to say. Cheers!
So you had a little Janet Jackson Chevron station halftime Wardrobe Malfunction, huh kiddeaux? And are you SURE these boys were looking at your titty? You're always the one who's busy being self deprecating over the minisculicity of your ta-tas, right? DId they somehow get Alot bigger just for this singular event? Or dId said boys have to SQUINT like an old blue haired lady taking her "please read the bottom line, ma'am" eye test at the DMV in order to see this errant boob? Tell you what, kid, I wouldn't worry about it.
The anectdote that might make you feel better: One time I was filling up a University vehicle at the Chevron station across the street from UNR, and these 5 girls in a station wagon pulled in. One of em started pumping gas, and her "friend", making sure I was looking that direction at that particular moment, stepped behind her, pulled up her friend's shirt, and flashed me her friend's titties. C cup....... (36, 24, 36, Ow what a winnin' hand OW she's a BRICK! Hooouuwse!!). The gas pumping girl was none too pleased with her friend. I mean, with friends like that, who needs molesters running around? And I was kind of in a quandry myself, because I was driving a University Vehicle. And Inadvertently Staring at some chick's fine, fine Tits, I guess....I had a flash appear before me of "how the fuck can I possibly explain THIS shit to The Dean and The Head of my Department". ....
But nothing happened. Just some titties. And, like your titty squinting gas station boys, I'd seen at least a few of those things before anyhow. I also wouldn't worry on this being parlayed into any sort of fan club thing about "Gas station Tit Girl", replete with facebook account. You made your decision to stop working for Larry Flint and company a long time ago.
Good thing your penis wasn't hanging out....
I too seem to have the same affliction. I will drive to the place where we get our cars serviced and have one of the guys there fill my tires up. Rather pathetic. Oh well, at least I'm not the only one. Not sure if you got my email with that Salon.com link. Looks like your Jesus guy was in one of the photos. I had to laugh then thought of you.
Keep writing!
Oh my, I can't believe those mensies didn't ask to help. I mean, geesh you flashed the boob and everything!
I once wrote a whole post about becoming a WOMAN and putting air in my tires. Luckily the Hubs has one of those air compressors at home. Didn't have to kidnap a penis.
I lol'd in real life numero times-o
Thank you for sharing this to us
Wait till your next ad airs. Those dudes will be at some sports bar or other manly haven of sweatiness and they will suddenly stop, mid beer and go "HOLY SHITBALLS DUDE, THAT'S THE BOOB CHICK FROM THE GARAGE!" and go IMDB your ass. That's how fan clubs start!
Eman: Thanks awesomeness :)
Rosamond: Always a good story, R, always.
Boober: So true.
Jen: Love that pic, Jen!
Toe: Your hubs has an air compressor?! JEALOUS.
J: Hooray!
Power Cord: Boob chick fan club!