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    Monday
    Apr112011

    And Then That Happened

    Hi friends and frienemies. I’ve missed you. My absence can only be explained by my life completely falling apart. But I’m slowly putting it back together. Sweeping up the shards. Laying new brick.

    My relationship of 5 years ended. And I had to move out. Moving is a fuckton of work when you’re in a healthy state of mind. When you have a lung infection, an ear infection, and a broken heart, it seems like an insurmountable task. Not to mention coming off the tail of the past crapquake of a 6 months.

    And looking for an apartment in L.A. is about as much fun as eating a bathtub full of goose shit. Woe is me.

    But here I am, somehow still standing. Ish. I’ve moved into my new place. I’ve painted. I’ve unpacked. But I’m so exhausted. My bone marrow is tired. In normal life I’m sleeptarded, so this whole experience has made me part of the walking undead. But I can feel my body starting to recover. And I can almost sleep through the night without Ambien or marijuana.

    So that’s where I’ve been! Weeeee!

    Now that I live alone, I have an exorbitant amount of time to sit around and think. Not awesome. I find myself staring at the wall and wondering about things like, why do some people wear their pet snakes around in public? Why in god’s name would you ever do that? Hey, pet owner who wears your snake as a scarf: FUCK OFF. I’m sending you my dry cleaning bill from when I shit my pants as you walked passed me on the sidewalk. And you know, I don’t speak snake, but I’m pretty sure Mr. Slithers ain’t stoked to be keeping your neck warm on Beverly Blvd. You asstwat.

    Also, you can’t tell me, if given the caveat that no one would ever find out about it, that every straight guy would love to suck on a lactating woman’s titties. Come ON. Just admit it already. It’s a win win for you dudes. Boobs and food. Fuckin’ paydirt.

    Alright homies, that’s all the umph I gots right now. Thanks for sticking it out. Hopefully some creativity will pour in my soggy head once I start sleeping regularly. I hope you’re all amazeballs.

    HHH out

    

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    Reader Comments (29)

    One time I had a 5 year relationship that ended. It was kind of like someone set off an atomic bomb in my chest. I did weird things like only eating Popsicles for month. So girl, you take as long as you need to do whatever you need. Your heart's gonna mend.

    Love ya.

    April 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJ

    Damn. I'm so sorry. Get some sleep, girl, and take care of yourself. We'll be here when you're ready.

    April 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSteam Me up Kid

    Yeah it's a big weird gap for sure, dude. I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how it was going. Sorry it was bad. I was hoping otherwise. But in good news, YOU STILL ROCK.

    I hope you took little Buffy Flamenco with you to the new place?

    Feel better. :( Stop being sick.

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVegetable Assassin

    Here's something I want to understand: the super skinny saggy butt look on skaters. They wear these ridiculously tight jeans that I'm pretty sure only fit 8 year old girls and then have incredibly loose saggy butts. How is this possible? If these asshole anorexic men can fit in grade school skinny jeans they would assumingly have a really small ass to fit in them. Do they get home, stick a basketball in the butt of them, put a rubberband around it for a week and let it stretch out? I DON'T GET IT! The look drives me nuts!

    On another note: I hate that you're having to go through all of this again, I hate that you're struggling, not sleeping, and feeling like 10 monkeys pooped on your head. I heart you and wish I could be there IN PERSON for you. It will get better! I know it! And hey, at least you don't shit beets. :-)

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBoober

    I'm sorry for everything you're going through, lady. Take all the time you need.

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlyson

    h3, sending you love. here's a hug. hang in there. (bullshit, meaningless platitude, but what else can i say?) your writing is hilarious, and i hope you keep writing (not necc. blogging) during this shitty time. that's usually when the best stuff comes out. xx

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermare

    No breast milk for me.

    Unless its chocolate.

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEd Adams

    Did you intentionally set that up so I'd assume that owl from Labyrinth was actually a milky white lactating tit? You did, didn't you. You little minx.

    Big soggy smooches and an uncomfortably long hug, the kind with rocking and repetitive back patting and a soggy spot on your shoulder.

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterElly Lou

    Oh jeez Buffy, am genuinely sorry to hear about your break-up....glad u found a new place and are starting to move on...hope you get your health back on track soon, and feel better....we are thinking of you, take good care...!

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOlivia L.

    I had to restrain my fingers from tearing open the scab of the (my) worst break up ever, like you need that. Like I (anyone) needs that. Or maybe we do. Maybe those big holes blown in us is where the good shit flows in. I dunno. Ambien can be a girls best friend, but you may notice things missing out of your fridge the next morning, just a heads up :)

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterputweet

    J: Thanks woman. yeah, the atomic bomb analogy is pretty spot on. And I think I'm going to try some popsicles.

    Steamy: Thanks, ladybug.

    Veggie: You can bet your ass I took Buffy Flamenco and Pyramid to my new place! They make me feel a little better each day.

    Boober: I don't get that either! Mostly the physics of it. I mean, how in the hell do they still skateboard? It's a miracle really. And thanks Boobie, I wish you were here too. Love the shit outta you.

    April 12, 2011 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Alyson: Thanks sweetness.

    Ed: Ahaa! :)

    Elly: You're rad and a half. I'll talk that, all of it. And please call me a minx everyday for the next year.

    Olivia: Thank you, Olivia!

    Putweet: I love that. Where the good shit flows in. I'm praying for that. (I also just had my first dream in 2 months last night--that's gotta be a good sign right?)

    April 12, 2011 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Fuck, I've missed you! Thanks for making me snort this morning!

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertomato pie

    You're baaaaaaack!!! And oh YES, dude's so wanna suck on mom's boobs! hahaha! I'm sorry you're going through this--hearts to you!

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterronny12

    Win, win is this...

    "Icecreamists, an ice-cream parlour in London's Covent Garden, is selling human breast milk ice-cream for £14 a scoop. The breastmilk is purchased from lactating mothers, and the product (called "Baby Gaga") is intended to raise awareness of breastmilk's deliciousness and encourage more breastfeeding. The milk is pasteurised and flavoured with lemon zest and vanilla pods."

    http://www.boingboing.net/2011/02/25/breastmilk-ice-cream.html

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJ.Gaver

    Tomato: Missed your snorts.

    Ronny: Right? It's so obvious.

    J. Gaver: Wow. I wouldn't automatically think to go with lemon zest and vanilla pods, but hmm...I clearly need to make a breast milk cocktail for Friday.

    April 12, 2011 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Schmuffy!!!! I love you and I am so sorry!!!

    Love Schmuffy

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShoolroy

    You rock my love!!

    April 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

    I'm so sorry! And I love you! I've missed you.

    April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJules

    Hey, Hang in there! (and other platitudes. "Other fish in the sea", anyone?). Seriously, though. Kick up your heels, whip your do-rag off your head, toss it into the air, and yell it with me: "We're gonna make it after a-a-a-a-a-all!"
    Love ya, sister from another browser.

    April 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLauren Z

    Oh, fucksticks. I was just thinking of you the other day and wondering what was going on. This shit sucks. I'm so sorry, heartbreak is the worst kind of break. Take it easy, Buffy and hugs to you. xxx

    April 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterelise

    Wow, that's a lot of life shit hitting the fan. Take as much time as necessary, burn ex's stuff, drink, smoke, and have small meltdowns and we'll see you when your ready.

    I'm glad I'm not alone on the WTF about drippy boobies and people using animals as accessories. I'm also wondering what the hell is up with people walking around with birds on their shoulders. Is this a new trend? If so, eww.

    April 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterToe

    It's just like me to be a late responde. Did you know that owls are "the new kitten"? Google "OWLS ARE THE NEW KITTEN" and click on the Chive link which should be the first one (I just checked it to make sure). Hopefully it will put a smile in your heart. Oh yeah, CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW DOMICILE!!!!!

    April 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertw

    4 words: Yoga, Desert, solace, breathe.
    Now shut the fuck up and get on with it. You only have another 100 years on this planet.
    There are only just shy of 3.5 billion homo sapiens with a penis on this planet, kid. And you're a healthy specimen, boys like you. So I wouldn't worry about the boyfriend thing. If you decide that the male of the species are pretty much a bunch of douchebags anyway (and by and large, we all are at one point or another) and women are a better dating choice for you, then you can double your odds on that whole find a mate deal.
    Oh, and about titty milk; I've always wanted a girlfriend whose titties dispensed Guinness Stout. Cold guinness from the left nip, room temp guinness from the right. Not that titty milk itself wouldn't be an ok sports recovery drink, full of tasty nutrients and vitamins. But frankly, I prefer something with a little more bang. You know, Steinbeck got in alot of hot water for writing about that whole "starving Okie sucking titty milk" thing from the first opening of "Grapes of Wrath" as an onstage play....these themes are cyclic. Titty. It's whats for supper. AHhh human condition, how you fucking mock me.

    April 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRosamond

    Shoolroy: I love you too sweetness!

    Caroline: You do, you do!

    Jules: I've missed you too. All this poop needs to be over with now!

    April 26, 2011 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

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