If You’re Having a Good Day, Don’t Do This! Part Deux
Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 11:45PM If you’d like to use an Abercrombie model as a dart board, read this.
Here I’ll diss two other scenarios that will absolutely turn a great-feeling-day into a regular old crap-ass-feeling-day.
Scenario 1: MTV's Cribs. Oh please, if you wake up and feel great, do not watch Cribs. Now if you already feel like shit, sure, go ahead, watch an episode or even a marathon. But when you’re feeling crappy about your life there’s nothing worse than seeing a 24-year-old show off his mansion in the Hills. He’s the guitarist of some fucking band you’ve never even heard of and his music is guaranteed to make you want to stab forks in your ears.
Or he’s a skateboarder or some shit that you didn’t even know was a career. Either way, he’s rich. So fucking rich. He shows the cameras his kitchen with his $10,000 refrigerator stocked with Corona and Monster energy drinks. Or the best is when the kid’s not even 21 yet and the fridge just has Sunny D and popsicles in it.
Then he shows us his personal theatre (barf on my face) and his bedroom “where all the magic happens.” Why must every celeb on Cribs say some version of that terrible line? Obviously they’re not famous for their originality. And the house and the grounds just goes on and on and on till you start to think they’re whole objective is to make you feel like shit.
I don't even know who da fuck this is. But she clearly has a big enough closet to hang her bras. What the?
And then we come to his cars. This kid has had his driver’s license for like 5 minutes and he has four luxury cars and of course the standard vintage car, which he doesn’t even know what decade it’s from. He can’t even rent a car yet and he has more parking spaces than I’ve had cars in my entire life. Sweet. Oh, and then my favorite part: at the end when he tells the camera, “Okay, time for you guys to leave. Come on, get outta here.” Again, could you PLEASE for the love of god not be such douche backwash so that I can maybe rationalize why you’re rich and famous and I’m 30-years-old and unemployed? Just Say No to Cribs.
Scenario 2: Romantic Comedies. Maybe I’m alone here because I know most people just looooove themselves a romantic comedy. But I detest them. Mainly because THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. There’s other reason why I hate them (usually bad writing, bad acting, always uber-cheesy and if THAT movie gets made, why can’t mine?), but the main reason why I hate romantic comedies is that there has never been one that makes me feel good afterwards. Instead, they make me look at my perfectly fine life and start to think that it’s really very boring and very UNromantic.
“Gosh, Jon’s not the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company who flies me to Paris, on his private plane, for the weekend.”
“Jon’s never filled every square inch of our apartment with roses, just because.”
Ahhhh, stop! The romantic comedy has turned my brain into hazmat! Someone’s going to mistake me for a crazy chick who stalks exes and asks her boyfriend if she looks fat, ahhhh! Quickly I remind myself that in real life CEOs of multi-billion dollar companies are total a-holes and filling every square inch of our apartment with roses would be super douchey. Like, what are you over-compensating for? And how in the hell would you watch TV? Or make a sandwich?
But romantic comedies (which, btw, 99% of the time, are NOT in fact comedies) put these ridiculous ideas into our heads that this is what we should expect out of life. Hell, fat Renee Zellweger gets her perfect life, why can’t I? And then I remember that Hugh Grant gets caught with hookers and I’m reminded that no one who’s that suave is actually cool.
Good job, slick
It takes a lot of work to remind myself of these things though when it’s just easier not to watch. Romantic comedies rot our brains. No bueno.
Obviously, there’s a millionski other scenarios that jack a great-feeling-day—job hunting, driving during rush hour, going to the mechanic/dentist/gyno. Just to name a few other culprits. So I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best for me to spend my unemployment creating our own country without Cribs, traffic or Abercrombie models. Lemme know who would like to apply for residency.
Reader Comments (19)
If you can ban The Hills and the rest of them, I'm there. Not much else can make me feel like crapola than watching skanks getting paid for doing sweet fuck all.
All cocktails you've posted about on here on permanent rotation? No models? (unless they cave to peer pressure and let themselves get fat, of course) No parking officers? Dude, if this is in your new country, I'm so willing to be your biatch. Sign me up.
But THAT IS where the magic happens.......geez, hater.
You mean you don't have a home theater in your house????? Odd, I thought everyone did.......I do........shoot, I'm sorry, sucks to be you!
You forgot to mention the stupid friends of the idiot Crib owners. The ones that just sit around on the couch playing video games and looking up at the camera like "Oh hey, yeah, I don't know this guy either but some extras company called me up to sit here and act like I know him".
A bra closet? Holy shit, that chick is insane.
Oh man, I hate Cribs. I used to always watch it and then I realized it makes me feel like shit. No mo, no mo.
I hate that show too. You know what show cheers me up: The Barefoot Contessa. That one and Paula's Home Cookin. I love those shows, mainly because they use about six pounds in their recipes between the two of them. I guess it makes me feel good that I don't eat a pound of butter a day, but it's fun to watch someone else do it.
You are dead on with jeans shopping, Cribs and unrealistic Romantic Comedies. Probably just not watching TV of any sort in a good mood day would be beneficial.
Another thing to wreck a day and make you feel like crap: going to a body building show and looking at the figure models who are (a) taller than I am and (b) have like 0% body fat. I don't want to work out 24/7 and deprive myself of eating yummy things, but it still makes you feel shitty.
Bummer TV: cruising for innocent entertainment and bopping on some National Geographic special with an animal chewing on another animal. It's one thing when you're a kid flipping through the mag in the library and catch some hellatious Ubangi titties, scary. But who knew the 'graphic' part of National Geographic was a baby gazelle being disemboweled by a lion? buzz kill.
Hey, Why does Renee Zellweger always look like she just sucked on a lemon? She used to be endearing, but now...
And why are shrinks (AND THEIR CHILDREN) more fucked up then the rest of us? And we pay for their advice!!!
I swear, if I hear one more person utter 'here's where the magic happens...' ! Cribs is stupid, everything you said is exactly right. I hate 'flaunting' wealth in other people's faces, it's just asking for some negative karma shit to happen. I do, however, let myself get mindlessly lost in what I consider to be actually funny 'romantic comedies', no matter how absurd. It's a form of escapism where I don't think about the totally improbable things that are happening. If you think about it, then yes, romantic comedies can just piss you off. What's more ridic than say, Gentlemen Prefer Blonds, or, How To Marry A Millionaire.....but these are classics, just pure silly, escapist fun. But that's just me..
Romantic comedies are where actors go to die. With the occasional exception but I do stress occasional. Usually they make me want to barf over myself. And everyone else. But not over you, you have taste and I will warn you to stand back.
And I hate those effing 16 year old rich kids too mainly because THEY are not driving a twelve year old fucking Oldsmobile with 200,000 miles on the clock like some people (me). I'm not bitter at all. Oh no. (yes I am)
Who the fuck hangs up their bras? People who hang up their bras have issues. They probably also iron their underwear and talk to trees.
Elise: Hot shit. You're on. Country Awesome here we come!
Jules: I'm just jealous, ha!
Boober: You're right! There's always that douche.
Sara: Insane.
Jeff B: Ah hell no mo!
KM: Right?! Great call.
C Ros: Oh for sure! Those people are cyborgs. I just can't even possible imagine how that's possible!
Mama-B: Those shows are terrible! You're exactly right!
Kneebucks: You are totally right. On both accounts.
AllAboutTheBenjies: I completely agree--I love those classics. I suppose it's the modern romantic comedy that makes my toes curl.
Veggie: HAHA! Exact-freaking-ly. And isn't the bra thing just fucked up in the head? Grrr.
This is yet another reason why I do not watch MTV. I have no patience for idiots, particularly those barely out of puberty with more money than sense. Abercrombie does just need to go away.
Only the reality TV shows can stay. Because those boost my self esteem for not being like them, whereas the little rich brat shows just make me angry with God.
Jen: Amen! Abercrombie needs to fall into a black hole, once and for all.
LiLu: Fuck yeah woman! I couldn't have said it better.
BC:
I often post some long silly assed diatribe in here....being funny, or just practicing my speed writing skills....whatever.
But right now, I am gonna write short....and remind you of this, cause I don't know you from beans, kid, but I know who you came from and some of what formed you and I'm kinda worried about you: You are from the Sierra Nevada. Bear that in mind.
Your brain isn't wired to give Pavlovian drool response to all that mindless TV shit like all those lala land TV worshiping mothafuckahs are. You have that old hippie forest ecologist's blood.
SO Get yer non-abercrombie ass and all the rest of you out to the desert, and breathe. It's right over the hill from that smog infested TeeVee worshiping rathole you're living in. And it's quiet out there. You can hear. I strongly suggest backpacking in the wonderland of rocks, Joshua Tree. Be sure to spend the night, so you can listen to the coyotes. If you're not having a good day.....do this.
i'm smiling so hard my face hurts. literally.
just found your blog and LOVING it.
kelly
p.s. don't be jealous of the blonde who has a closet for her bras. hippies don't need bras, right?
Kelly: Yay, welcome! Thanks for stopping by! Good point bout the bras, and technically, I don't really need one... ;)