Cops Are Douchebags
Sunday, November 22, 2009 at 11:45PM I’m sorry, but they are. I have yet to meet a non a-hole cop. I have to think that cool cops probably exist somewhere. Maybe? Perhaps the good cops live in a faraway land with non-fat bacon and free cable? But here in L.A. (and everywhere else I’ve ever been), they’re douchebags.
Case in point #1: A few years ago a man broke into my back patio at 3am. My bedroom window was large, and very easy to break into and faced the patio. This guy was A) Not wearing a shirt; B) Trying to look into my window; and C) I was home alone. So I called the good old LAPD and gripping a steak knife I hid in my living room for 30 minutes waiting for the police to show up.
Once they finally did, these cops proceeded to ask me about the incident. Halfway through my description one guy cut me off and said, “Yeah, yeah, he’s probably just a drug addict.”
K. Swell.
Then, and you’re really not going to believe this shit, THEN he said to me, “Hey, do I know you from something?”
“Dunno. Don’t think so?” Since he was a cop, I was a little worried. I start to mentally scan my place—where did I leave that bong??
He continued, “Yeah, I think I know you from something. You an actor?”
“Well, yeah, but you probably don’t know me from anything.”
“No, no, you look familiar. What’ve you been in?”
I hesitantly rambled off my resume, but I was thinking about that bong and the crazy dude in my backyard.
Then he said, “So you in SAG?” To all the non L.A. folk who might not know, SAG is the Screen Actors’ Guild.
“Yep, yep I’m in SAG.”
“Me too.”
Pardon e moi? He then proceeded to tell me allllllll about HIS acting resume because, in his words, “Yeah, I’m an actor too. I just do this cop thing on the side.”
Oh REALLY? Huh. Cuz that’s cool if my waiter or the coffee barista or the clerk at Urban Outfitters is an actor, but I kinda want a cop to just be a cop. You know, focused on fighting crime and protecting the peace and shit, not practicing his lines in the squad car. W. T. F.
"I'd like to thank the Academy for believing in me."
Case in point #2: Last week I was driving home, stopped at a red light on Sunset and La Brea. I was kinda spacing out, waiting for the light to turn green when I was jolted by the blare of a mega-horn. It was so loud it sounded like it’s coming from inside my car. I can’t tell what was being said, but it startled me so much that I visibly jolted outta my seat and looked around. And what do I find? A cop car pulled up alongside me with two uniformed douchebags waving and smiling at me.
So of course I have a mini freakout—oh shit, what did I do??? What am I doing wrong? Where’s my bong? But then I realized, noooooo, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just waiting for the light to turn green. So I look back at Captain Douche and Sargeant Dumbass aaaaand they’re still giving me these suave grins and little wanna-suck-my-dick waves.
Really?
Really.
Wow.
I sure feel safe. Way to completely feed into the stereotype that the LAPD is a bunch of fucktards, you fucktards.
I’m not sure what they were expecting me to do. Pull over and show them, with my vagina, my appreciation for their civic duty? Well, I didn’t. I did drive exactly the speed limit all the way home though. Perhaps that’s the LAPD’s way of law enforcement? Freaking out the public with their creepy-von-creepiness. Forcing us to follow the law or else we’d be faced with their insanity. Unfortunately, I think that’s giving them too much credit.
For all the Angelinos in the house, good luck if you ever have a crazed drug addict on your back patio. It’s probably best just to give him your bong.
"Hey Perp, wanna see my hose?"
Reader Comments (22)
I'd like ALL the cops in my area to do "this cop thing on the side." THAT TOTALLY would make me feel safer. I do this "teaching thing on the side too". I'm not sure on the side of what yet, but it's on the side.
I cut a cop off tonight when I was driving. That's all I got.
Thanks, I needed that. This is too funny. When did L.A. cops get this scary ridiculous? I never encountered a cop like that in lala but then i wasn't smack in the middle of hollywood either. On the other hand, if this is the new LA cop, you probably don't have to worry about leaving paraphenalia around...they'll wanna smoke that bong and then ask you to kindly show them your vajayjay....(ooh,,did i really say that?)
it's not just la. even in po-dunk middle america cops are douchebags. one threatened to arrest me a couple of weeks ago for driving on a street where there was a fender bender. since when is THAT a law?!
Long ago, when cops were real men, and took their jobs seriously, I once did the unthinkable. I pulled a U-ie in the middle of the freeway (there was no other traffic, natch), because I'd just shot by my exit. Out of no where, a state trooper roars up behind me, pulls me over, and marches over to the driver's side.....I was nervous. I roll down the window, and there stands the most handsome ,tall gorgeous POlice man wearing one of those mounty type hats, frowning down at me, and he quickly proceeds to lecture me about....blah, blah, blah....I didn't hear a thing, I was madly in love. This trooper was, I swear to god, Gary Cooper reincarnated. He was stern yet kind, authoritarian but so gentle, hot, yet understated, mature yet.....Well, anyways, I pretended I didn't know what I was doing, batted my eyelashes a few times, and he let me off with a warning. THIS is how it's supposed to be! I couldn't stop thinking of him for days after...I could write a short romance novel on this encounter. I was deeply in lust. Also, he didn't write me a ticket.
Once, a few years back, I was stranded in the middle of Colorado with my boyfriend. We had no wheels and needed to get to the next town. So we decided to do the unthinkable....hitch a ride on the interstate. So, there we are, I'm sticking out my thumb, and eventually, a Chevy pulls over. A pimped out '55 Chevy with a V20 engine, so loud my whole body turned to jiggling jello. Andy and I hesitate for a minute. The car sits up a ways, we see the back of a head, the engine is being maniacally revved.....well, against better judgement, we run over to the death mobile, rape me rob me and kill me now car from hell, because, I think we both felt it would be better to die in a warm Chevy than out on a freezing isolated stretch of interstate 25. We get in, and sho nuff, there's this huge guy with a military buzzcut and squinty, serial killer eyes. We meekly get in the back seat, our asses grateful for the warmth, and nothing else. The car ejects down the highway at Mach 50. Buzzcut after a moment says, 'where you headin', and we scream 'Cheyenne'. We fly down the road, and Buzzkill pulls out an emormous doobie. Things are starting to look up. Either that, or he's gonna get wasted before he does us. But, happily, the joint gets passed around. We even pick up another hitcher. Pretty soon there's a major party happenin, and we are all giggling uncontrollably, swapping stories in shriekmode, to hear each other. Buzzkill shows us his big shiny revolver, more shrieks of laughter. That's the one thing I can say for getting stoned on the good weed, nothing can get you down. At least not on that day.At least not in that moment. Well, now we hear something that sounds like music, no, a siren...it takes a minute to realize that we are being pulled over by a state trooper. The car is filled with smoke. Suddenly, paranoia rushes in like a mofo, I'm thinking, oh my god, we are so fucked. We are so going to jail in the middle of redneckville. Buzzkill pulls over and does the unthinkable. HE gets out of the car and walks over to the cop car behind us. We're thinking, what the fuck! Get back here before we all get mowed down. Well, he leans into the cop's window before the cop has a chance to get out, and now they are talking. Nothing bad happens. No guns are pulled, no yelling. After a few minutes, we're all, what the hell? They havin a tea party back there? Now these two are LAUGHING. My paranoia increases a thousand fold. Something is terribly wrong here. What. Is. Going. On.
So, finally Buzzkill comes back to the car, the cop drives off, waves, and we're sitting there stunned, and stoned out of our gourds yet strangely sober after this little charade. Buzzsaw gets into the car. He says nothing. We drive off. Finally someone gets the courage to ask what happened back there. Buzzkill says, like it's nothing, 'Oh, I'm the deputy sheriff of Boulder County'. Nothin to worry about dudes. He pulls out another doobie and we go on our merry way. Now this is how it's supposed to be. Right?
I shudder to think what an L.A. cop would do if you were in REAL trouble.....but your stories about them are hilarious.
the cops in seattle are just as bad. they can suck a bag-o-dicks!
Orlando cops are no better. One night I was pulling out of the driveway at Derek's Wakeboard camp and he and I are sooo tired, it's midnight. I've literally been driving for 2 minutes and a cop pulls me over and says I was going 18 miles over the speed limit. (IMPOSSIBLE when the speed limit was 50 mph). So he then takes my license and walks away. Another cop car drives up and the cop gets out. Well, these cops proceeded to have a reunion and catch up on old times because Derek and I waited in the car for THIRTY FIVE MINUTES while these two assholes caught up on fishing and what size their penises are. At this point, Derek and I have fallen asleep (we reclined our seats and got comfortable). The cop finally walks back over and says "ok, don't speed anymore, this is just a warning". Um.........cool. I know I should be thankful that you aren't giving me a ticket (FOR SOMETHING I WASN'T DOING ANYWAY) but you don't keep me waiting for 35 min. just so you can get your jollies off with your man friend. WTF????!!!!!! I was P to the ISSED.
DOUCHES!
Jules: It's totally on the side of your full-time radness.
Elise: Oohh, that's good. Get 'em.
Benjies: True 'nuff. They are seriously outta their minds. Terrifying that they have power!
Claire: A) Missed you! B) what the motherfuck? They are insane.
Moneybags: WOW. Now that's quite the story!!! That should be a short film! Love it, yes, that's exactly how it should be!!!
KM: Really?! Wow, for some reason I'd think that Seattle cops were cooler for some reason. Good to know! Bag-o-dicks! Ha!
Those pics, as usual, are freaking hilar!
That's horrifying. I'm never calling 911. Smells like bacon in here!
WTF is up with that hose?! That's just gotta be dirty. Eww, the guy on the top looks like a stripper. Maybe they were stripper cops who pulled up alongside you? Ha!
Boober: Infuriating!!! So unfair, so totally unfair. Was Derek going a-wol? Duuuude, that's insane. Asswipes!
Sara F: Haha, ridic right?
BenBen: It absolutely smells like bacon in here!
Jenny12: Seriously, I must know what is up with that hose. Stripper cops, ha! Good call.
Cops were always the kids in school who got their ass beat. They totally think they have something to prove.
My brother-in-law is a cop. You'd think,"Lucky me" but no, he's juat as much a douchebag to family.
P.S. my sister is currently filing for a divorce
I wonder if any of them ever tried:
"I may be a pig, ma'am...wanna see my sausage?"
Hahahaha...
Jeff B: SO TRUE. Now they have a gun and a chip on their shoulders. Bad combo.
Kneebucks: Oh damn!! I bet you have some stories! I hope she gets the hell outta there fast.
Meatbag: Haha! If one actually said that I think I'd fucking crack up. Hilar!
OMG CREEPY!!! And you can't flip off the cops.
where's the samurai sword in the story?!?
God...some of the shit you write about brings back FUCKED UP MEMORIES. I had this girlfriend, who worked in the front corporate offices of Squaw valley, back in the late 80s. Her coworker got a call one day, turned ash white, and had to leave. Turns out her sister had been pulled over by a CHP in Southern Cal (Outside San Diego, I think) , who proceded to rape and kill her. She was something like his 4th or 5th victim. No, I'm not making this shit up. He got in the habit of pulling young women over on this one remote turnoff, where he'd do his thing. He finally got caught, and all these bodies were discovered.
We REALLY need to have much more serious Psychological Evaluations on Cops....and force them to go through those evals on an annual basis. Some of them get into the line of work becasue they're angry, power hungry dicks to start with. The rest just beCOME that way after dealing with their 1,000th violent offender. But it seems like very, very few Cops manage to remain neutral and undamaged by the work they do. Nonetheless, yeah, fuck it....I blame them. It's not just a byproduct of the work they do......they allow themselves to become asshats, and do nothing to stop it.
SO: be careful which exit you allow these fuckers to pull you over on, young person. That's not how I wanna read about you in the news, kid.
Way Rather hear about your new gig in some new Quentin Tarantino flick about Drunken Samurai Martians or something.....
Caroline: Right?! Or call them motherfuckers. Well, I guess we COULD...but you know, we wouldn't do so well in jail.
JE: The sword! Hahaha! Holy shit balls, how great was that? And by great I mean utterly ridiculous and terrifying.
Rosamond: O.M.F.G. That is fucking HORRIBLE. Fuckin A! And you're totally right--they either are power hungry dicks to start with or become that way on the job. Either way, they're power hungry dicks. Awful!
Yeah, everybody thinks Seattle cops wear birckenstonks and eat a lot of granola. They don't, they suck. Find some videos of the WTO riots in Seattle on youtube.
KM: Oh yeah! Those vids are insane!!! Total pigs.