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    « Guest Post! by Tim Coyne | Main | Golden Retrievers Are Nerds »


    It’s an understatement to say that L.A.’s a tough town. L.A. punches you in the gut, kicks you in the nuts, slaps your titties, urinates in your ears, and then laughs while you cry. Even if you aren’t an aspiring something-or-other L.A.’s a mofo. Everything’s hard. Just grocery shopping can feel like an ass kicking.

    In my opinion, the two hardest aspects of Los Angeles are the pursuit of your dream (and that dream getting shit on every ten seconds) and the search for love. Orrrr even just a halfway non-psychotic relationship.

    I’ve never encountered such complete and utter freaks as I have in L.A. And the problem with the really dangerous freaks is that they appear normal. I’m in an bombdiggity relationship now, but before him I really hit the dating crapper. I experienced everything from a date puking all over my walls and then passing out in my bathtub (and nope, he didn’t have food poisoning) to another date’s GIRLFRIEND calling me the next day. She proceeded to describe my bedroom in detail to me. Why? Dunno. Needless to say, I was both unaware that A) he had a girlfriend and B) after a couple bottles of wine he was still able to discern that my wall color was “aqua” and that my corner desk was “60s retro.”

    Um, yeah. The story gets even more freaktarded, but I’ll spare you.

    Anyweirdo, this, and about 497 other stories like it is why it took me over two years to  move in with Jon. I was afraid he was too good to be true. I was waiting for his inner crazy to poke his head out. But so far, a year and a half of living together and I’m still the only nutburger in the house.

    For the majority of my life I’ve lived with women, with the exception of two years in my early twenties and then now. Living with a significant other can be mind-blowing. You learn things about the other person, and yourself, that you never would otherwise.

    Such as:

    A couple of months back I bought Jon some fancy-shmance man face lotion. Jon’s very much a dude’s dude when it comes to a lot of things, wrinkles being one of them. And he had never before worn lotion of any sort. But my concern for his skin is twofold: 1) he’s an actor so I want to protect the longevity of his career, (since my career seems to be taking a siesta) and 2) I’m superficial. He begrudgingly agreed to put it on every night.

    For the first week or so I would “happen” to be in his bathroom while he was getting ready for bed, just to see if the lotion was being applied to future crow’s feet. Pleased with his initial diligence, I checked it off as a mission accomplished. Listen, I’m not one of those chick’s who changes everything about her boyfriend, but this is one area I thought that perhaps my female influence might be beneficial in the long run [read: I could preserve his hotness].

    So a couple months go by and one night before bed I walk into in his bathroom to grab a Kleenex…

    He was applying said fancy-shmance man face lotion TO THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET.

    Uhhhparrently they were dry. After my head spun around in circles, through clenched teeth I applauded his exploration of lotion, but explained to him the different types. While I’m aware that that statement seems absurd, the reality of it is that face lotion costs an assload more than foot lotion.

    After making a mental note never to buy Jon face cream again, I realized that to him dry feet are a bigger deal than crow’s feet and maybe that’s a good thing. After all, I hate it when my boyfriend’s prettier than me. Besides, he’s never puked on the walls and passed out in the bathtub and he doesn’t have another girlfriend who he describes my decorating tastes to so I think I can deal with the prospect of some wrinkles. Two cheers and a whoop whoop for all the  dudes' dudes. Just don’t take it as far as guy.

    Really? Was this really necessary?

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    Reader Comments (25)

    Dude. An ex of mine once told me he used my super-expensive face cream on his wang. I don't know if I would have preferred to know that's what he used it for or it he used it for his dry feet. Oy.

    And you never want a guy to be prettier than you. That is a major no-fucking-no.

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElise

    That guy is just gross! And yeah, Hubby uses Jergens ALL over, including his face. And when I buy my expensive face lotion, he always has a hissy and doesn't understand. BUT he does buy expensive hair products....

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJules

    So like a guy to put face cream on his feet. Lotion smotion! I'm glad that you found someone who loves your crazy. I may venture back out there again and posts like these give me hope - and make me laugh my ass off.

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterColby

    Yeah, I tried the whole face lotion for Derek. I bought him some nice moisturizer with some spf in it about 3 years ago. It's still sitting unopened in our cabinet. He could care less about his appearance, HOWEVER, you can catch him daily popping his blackheads and leaning over in the mirror plucking the random back hairs off and reaching up his nose and yanking long hairs out (even though I bought him a nose hair trimmer that sits unused).

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterboober foo foo

    Elise: What?! Did he have dry wang syndrome?! Blehk. Dudes.

    Jules: Isn't he ridiculously disgusting?! He looks like a cartoon. Ah yes, the hair products...I find those to be pricey in our household as well...and they're not mine!

    Colby: Oh you are not going to have any problems woman! :)

    Boober: Ha! I love that you bought him a nose hair trimmer! Now that's love. :)

    November 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Holy shit, your dates sound horrible!! The girlfriend calling you the next day?! Where does it end?!

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRonny

    Dating in L.A. is HELL. Everyone's insane and focused on their own insanity. I don't know how anyone finds love here. Good for you, hang on tight!

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJeff B

    So that's your footcare secret, Jon... nice!

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermama-b

    Buffy, your blog had me cracking up again. You rock.
    Reminded me of a time that I told Rebecca we could do whatever she wanted for her birthday, and she dragged me for a manicure / pedicure thing. Dude. Never again. Took weeks to find where they had hidden my balls.

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEddie Marill

    Ronny: Right?! Total nightmare.

    Jeff B: I honestly don't know how either! This is a crazy mofo of a town.

    Mama-B: Haha, good point! He does have lovely feet.

    Eddie M: Aww, thanks Eddie! And that is HILARIOUS! I did the same thing to Jon a couple years back! hahaha!!

    November 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    I just barfed in my mouth looking at that pic. Hilarious though. I'm so glad that I don't live in LA; it terrifies me. I want to hear more about your dating stories--I'm sure they're ridiculous. And thanks for the breakdown of lotion--I never knew. ;)

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBenBen

    Before you get all worried about his wrinkles, I'd say that both Jon and you should remember the prolific and heartstoppingly beautiful acting of Max von Sydow (Pele the Conqueror, Snow Falling on Cedars, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, etc etc etc). He's pretty much just one BGW (Big Goddamned Wrinkle). And he's a much, MUCH more skillful/ better actor than those pretty fluff pieces like...wellll....this is gonna piss some folks off....Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Van Damme, Nicholas Cage, et al. So, let Jon put lotion on his feet (just not the fancy Boutique kind) , and......Let the rant responses begin!!!

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRosamond

    Oh hell woman, the odd wrinkle is CHARACTER! :) Although I'm with you on the foot thing. Good cream is for the face. Generic crap is for the feet. Just get him to wear sun screen instead and he'll be fine. I like to think the best preservation technique for both skin and sanity is a good cocktail. I know you agree.

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVegetable Assassin

    BenBen: Isn't that pic absolutely foul? What was he thinking?!

    Rosamond: Agreed. Terrific actor and way better than most that you named (though I will always love Matt Damon). But yaknow, Max is old, old people are supposed to have wrinkles. I welcome wrinkles when I'm old(er). Wrinkles can be very sexy; they tell stories.

    Veggie: True true! He won't wear sunscreen either! I know right? Dudes. Now that you mention cocktails, I think I need one. :)

    November 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Man, I wish Hubs would just use lotion at all. Nothing like sandpaper hands, that screams SEXY!

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterToe

    DON'T spare us! we're strong. and needy. and boring.

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercraig

    Whoop Whoop!! Buf be happy Jon didn't ask you what kind of cream you use? I've had many, way to many, men ask me "what skin care do you use?" Ah, huh?

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

    Toe: Sandpaper hands have got to be the worst. Especially when the skin catches in your hair, ahhh!

    Craig: Ha! Boring? You? Never!

    Caroline: SO TRUE. Talk about a turn off!!

    November 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Caroline....all those guys you're talking about who ask about what skin lotions you use........wellll.....let's just say they "only cheer for the home team".

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRosamond

    Please dont use my picture without permission next time. Thank you.
    Also, please tell this "Rosamond", whilst they speak well warranted pearls about Von Sydow, obviously hasnt seen "Replicant", hence no one... NO ONE... is greater that Sir Van Damme. Thank you.

    November 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhamptyhamp

    Rosamond: Most likely. But of course, it is L.A...the land of ego. :)

    Hamptyhamp: I've been meaning to ask you, how do you find that pants that fit? You have quite the thighs, among other things.

    November 10, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    At the end of your story I thought you were going to post this is a picture of your bf. My next thought, assuming he was your bf, you'd have to buy a vat of lotion to cover that body.

    He's kind of freakish.

    My hubby could care less about lotion unless I volunteer to give him a pedicure (ever have rough feet rub up against you in bed - it sucks) or massage lotion into his hands --- then he has an opinion.

    November 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlittlemsblogger

    LittleMsBlogger: Ha! no, not my bf, thank goodness! And oohhhh, great idea about the voluntary pedicure!

    November 11, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Hey stranger, long time no see! And I'm sure you can vouch that this guy in your picture has nothing on me in the muscle category...he probably even shoots roids into his ballsack...

    November 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOrganic Meatbag

    Meatbag: HAHA! He TOTALLY shoots roids in his nutsack! Hahaha!

    November 11, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

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