Baby Eaters
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 11:45PM Hey dudes, first of all, if you're an email subscriber I'm so sorry - there's been a few times now that my software has sent out old posts to your email. I have no idea why it does that. It seems completely random and bitchass. I just took it out back and shanked it so hopefully it will be well-behaved from here on out.
Back to the goods, the other night Jon and I decided to grab an early movie. Our choices were The Blind Side or Precious and since Hollywood feel-good movies along with romantic comedies make me feel like the day after a dairy binge, Precious it was. Don’t worry, this isn’t a movie review.
The closest theatre to our house is at an outdoor swanky mall here in L.A. called The Grove. Doesn’t that just sound like money? Basically all you need to know about The Grove is that they have restaurants, upscale-ish stores, a pond/fountain area, movie theatres, tons of holiday shit, and seas of people. I try to avoid The Grove because it’s always packed and as I get older, I’m liking people less and less. But, it’s close and sometimes my laziness wins out over my dislike of the public.
So there we are, 5:00 on a weekday, at said fance-shmance theatres, watching Precious. The theatre is about ¾ full (nobody in LA has a real job, so 5:00 is about as crowded as any other time). 45 minutes into the movie the screen goes white and the lights turn on. Brightness. Immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY (so immediate mind you that I didn’t even know what was going on—am I having a seizure?) the audience starts screaming. Not, “Oooh, I’m scared! Ahh! What is going on?!” No, not those types of screams. These types of screams:
“What the fuck?! Motherfuckers! You’re fucking fired motherfuckers! Fuck you!!!”
Um, yeeaaahhh.
I was literally so confused by the violent reaction that I thought someone’s child must’ve just been eaten. Wait, did I just eat someone’s baby? Oh shit, was it toasted baby meat the whole time and I thought it was popcorn?!
And then a teenage boy in a theatre uniform walks to the front of the audience and tries to get everyone’s attention.
“Excuse me, I’m sorry.” More audience profanity. “Excuse me? Um, I’ll go get my manager.”
“That’s right motherfucker! We want our money back! This is bullshit motherfuckers! You’re fired!”
I wish I was exaggerating.
Jon and I look at each other in horror. What is going on??? Are we missing something really heinous that just happened? Did these people just scream at a teenage boy calling him a “motherfucker” and told him he was fired? Is this teenage boy the baby eater?
Then a girl, who’s barely old enough to drink enters the theatre. Apparently she’s the manager.
She begins, “I’m sorry folks.”
Audience: “We can’t fucking hear you! Speak up idiot!”
At this point I’m appalled, shocked, disgusted and kinda scared of this mob. I peak around to see who my fellow audience members are. And who are they? Oh, they’re middle aged, mid to upper class, white people. Yeeeaaahhh. Wow, are we witnessing the worst thing that’s ever happened to these people in their entire lives? Unbelievable. What if something actually bad happened? What would they do then?
It’s almost too gross and embarrassing to relate the rest of the story. I’ll make it short. Basically this Docker wearing mob continued to scream and throw insults at mini-manager until she was near tears. Apparently the film tore. You know, shit happens.
"I knew I should've taken that job at The Gap."
So the theater refunded our tickets and gave us passes for any future movie we wanted to see. Jon and I thought this was a pretty sweet deal.
But images of the LA riots begin playing in my head so Jon and I start sliding out of theatre, only to overhear a couple near us have this conversation:
Man: “Hey, they should pay for our popcorn too.”
Woman: “Yeah! What about our popcorn! And my Coke!"
Man: “This is bullshit!”
Mind you, they ate their popcorn and drank their Coke 50 minutes earlier during the previews…
Jon and I got out of The Grove and to a bar ASAP. What is wrong with people? I want to command everyone in that audience to take a massive bong rip at least once a week. Or at least a fucking yoga class.
I quit bartending because my constant interaction with the public was turning me into a people hater. But I guess there’s just no escaping them. So until the day when my dream of becoming a hermit in the Pacific Northwest comes true, I’ll just have to increase my Netflix membership. And decrease my interaction with mid to upper middle class white people.
Reader Comments (31)
1. You mentioned shanking. I heart you!
2. Yes. These people would be the parents of my students who come in and yell at me over small things too. SAME people....Threatening law suits and such....
Yes Buffy, The Public are mindless, throbbing, assoholes, trapped in bloated bodies (and a bloated sense of self), with no real awareness that there are other beings on the planet. The monestary gets to looking pretty good sometimes, eh? Yup, I think yoga and Netflix are definately the answer.
If I'd have been there, I'd have pulled out my shotgun and shot all dem Mo'Fo's.
Actually, one time Derek and I were watching some bad werewolf movie out here and there weren't too many people in the theater. This one group of teenagers were behind us a few rows and were talking on their cell phones and chatting away. Well, Mama Boober don't like that and something inside of me snapped and I turned around and yelled "Can you please SHUT UP?! I saw this other older couple look at me and mouth thank you. Did these kids stop? Hell no, they just got more amped up. So Mama Boober walked out to get the manager. As I am walking down the hallway I hear them behind me talking and notice that they are leaving. I turn around and yell "Oh, NOW you leave the THEATER! Could you BE more rude in there?! " And they just stared at me like I was a crazy person. I was ready to fight some bigger taller teens but I didn't care. But they left the theater. And then I walked back in the movier and Derek turned to me and said "Who are you? That was hot!"
I have NO TOLERANCE for rude people. Kids to Old Farts, I will rip you a new one! Hmpf!
I wish I was surprised. It is unbelievable how rude people are these days. And, the whole entitlement factor is out of control. Did they really think that their food should be comped as well? Like you said, shit happens. And, people wonder why the world is going to hell. Just go to The Grove in LA at 5 pm during the week. Plain as day.
You had me at Baby Eaters. How could I not read a post with that title? What a bunch of insane horrible people. As a person who actually works for a public agency with the public as my 'boss', I have seen some uglies as well. It's gross and pathetic how 'adult' people act, and how the basic rules we learned in kindergarten are forgotten.
Jules: 1. I heart YOU! 2. Eww, you're totally right. I can't imagine how deranged they are when it comes to their children!
Pigpen: Well put!!! Mindless, throbbing assholes is a perf description. I think we should start a band and call it "Mindless, Throbbing Assholes." Sign me up for that monestary!
Mama Boober: Aww snap! That IS hot! Damn, I woulda paid to see that. You're such a badass. And I absolutely agree with you!
Jen: Exactly! Entitlement is completely out of control. It's disgusting. Humph!
C Ros: Oh good god, how do you manage it?! People have totally lost all common decency. And manners! Whatever happened to manners?! I totally sound like an old fart, but whatevs.
Groooosssssssssssssss. People scare me.
At The Grove?! Jesus! I'm horrified. And 5:00 is practically a matinee on the weekday right? Does anyone have any decency anymore?
What's wrong with baby meat? Oh man, too far? Jk, jk. This story is horrible. We gotta get out of LA.
BenBen: Seriously, they're terrifying. I'm not leaving my house today.
Rach: You're right! Practically a matinee. What-the?!
Jeff B: I bet baby meat is particularly tender. Eww, stop, look what you've done! ;)
wow! it's going to take more than a bong hit and a yoga class for those people.
You know what, my dissatisfaction with people began years ago when I was broke and took a job in a store. I was constantly amazed at the shit people will try to pull.. So I can absolutely relate to your job doing the same. And that is atrocious about the movie. What's wrong with them? No one likes being inconvenienced but like you said, shit happens and you deal with it like a grown up, not an uptight, aggressive ghetto baby.
I secretly hoped this story ended with you and Jon pulling out a giant water rifle and blasting the audience with cold, wet water then making a fast escape out back, with tires screeching. But I forgive you. :)
i got thrown out of the grove once, mild mannered me!!, for "causing a sensation." well, i was wearing a dress and was with 5 other (sensational, if i may) drag queens, big ones. but it sure put me right off the grove. and i didn't get to buy my on sale victoria's secret thong.
Funny things, these Homo sapiens.....it seems like the primary evolutionary force directing the behaviour and genetic selection of our species (particularly the male of the species) has, for the past 20 millenia or so, been WAR. There's alot of anger response pent up in the genes of this Homo sapiens critter. And in "civilized" society (You know, the kind of "civilized" society where we still kill thousands and thousands of people regularly, but we do it by Proxy, with high tech Drone Missiles aimed at Brown skinned people in far away countries that have resources we want), people have no physical outlet for that genetically hardwired anger. And it's exacerbated by living in the brain dead sanitized world of the Great American Suburb. So it comes as no surprise that people behave in such an angry manner over such a simple issue as a broken piece of film. They're really just Killer Apes in Meticulously Clean Fashion Attire. Which is why I, personally, stay the fuck out of Los Angeles, San Francisco, Sacramento, Portland, Seattle, etc. ANyplace with large densities of Homo sapiens. (Funny Goddamned thing, that name...sapiens means "wise".....I smirk at that nomen every time I think of it).
And as for the Hermit thing.....not a bad choice.....been there, done that, goin again. I have a yurt frame I'll be glad sell you if you decide to actually live that quiet dream....cause I think that next time I ride the Hermit-go round, I'll be building myself a bigger one....maybe multi-level...
Wow, you would think that after watching 45 minutes of a movie like "Precious" people would be a tad more sympathic to the human race. I guess not.
Claire MD: You're probably right.
Veggie: I am now, and forever more, carrying a water rifle with me everywhere I go. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before.
Craig: Causing a sensation?! But you cause a sensation wherever you go! You must get arrested a lot. I cannot believe the evil Grove would do this to you. Despicable. What is this, the fucking dark ages? I want to see your sensational self stat!
Rosamond: Wow, I love this comment! I couldn't agree more, and gorgeous word play. I look forward to my two or three spins on the hermit-go-round.
Caroline: Good point! Geez, I didn't even think of that! What the hell! Could you imagine what they would've done if we were watching Saw 27?!
I hate people. I really really hate people.
And I think "Baby Eaters" is the best title EVER.
Thanks for the abject flattery about my verbiage, BC.
When I grow Up, I intend to quit this science stuff and be a reclusive novel writing sea kayaking semi-hermit. Again.
You may have just given me the nudge to make it happen all the sooner.
Life's hard - especially for middle class white people.
Elise: Let's move to Mars. I hear it has great beaches.
Rosamond: Oh you absolutely should make that happen, right now!
JE: Really, really, reeeeally hard. Sometimes you even have to iron your Dockers.
I read this yesterday but I've been thinking about it ever since, this kind of stuff gets me SO FIRED UP!! I love LA, but why all the assholes?? Geesh.
I hope all those people walked out of the theater and were soothed by the magic of the holiday fountain and felt ashamed of themselves.
Good lord, those people need to be euthanized.
Steamy: Right?! I love LA too, but the assholes are really too much to handle. I think they all need to be mummy wrapped in felt and then sunk at the bottom of the fountain.
Sara Foo: Good call. They def shouldn't be allowed to spread their genes.
Ugh. I maintain that the worst most of us North American whities have to go through is NOTHING compared to 85% of the world. Somalian warfare? Laws governing how many children you're allowed to have? GENOCIDE?!? No way man, that's nothing, I had a MOVIE STOP WORKING ONCE. AND THEN I GOT A REFUND.
Ugh. Sorry for all the yelling, but this is so powerfully uncool.
Riff: I couldn't have said it better myself. Yes, yes and YES. Can I get an amen?!