Baby Making: Part Two of a Two-Parter
Sunday, July 26, 2009 at 6:51PM As I said in Part One, before Snoots ‘N Toots, I wasn’t a dog person. I thought they were dull, class-less and really smelled something awful. But man oh man, now I’m sold.
Let me tell you, my dog worships me. She freaks out every time I come home, I mean, fuh-reaks out. She nearly has a coronary every time I walk through the front door. Talk about an ego boost. She then follows me around everywhere I go: when I take a shower, she waits on the bathroom mat; if I’m writing, she tries to sit on my lap; she even stares at me when I pee. I had no idea I was so interesting. She’s making me realize that I’m pretty fucking fascinating.
I tell Jon, “Hello, can I get a little more of this from you please? I mean, would it kill you to lick my face every now and then?” I admit, I’ve totally fallen sucker for her attention and her constant gush of love. If I had only known, I would’ve gotten a dog years ago and saved a gazillion calories on ice cream and cookies. She makes me feel WAY more fulfilled than a binge fest or a one-night stand.
And I’m gonna go there: for me, she’s waaaaay better than children. And I have yet to be proven otherwise. The greatest part about dogs is that they don’t talk back. You’re dog’s never gonna whine, “Mommy, why’d you get me this stupid fire hydrant collar?! I don’t even like fire hydrants. I hate it! It’s stupid!” That’s never gonna happen. It’s just going to lick your face some more and continue to worship you. I have worked with the general public for far too many years and have put up with idiots barking orders at me for far too long to put up with a kid talking back to me. That’s when you’d see a sista snap. 
Adorable
Your dog’s not gonna go through the whole asshole teen years either. It probably won’t even live that long, which is great when you have mild commitment phobias. Your dog is going to be WAY cheaper than a kid. No contest. There isn’t going to be any diapers or crying fits or drinking your booze and then filling it with water. None of that annoying shit that kids do. And let’s face it, a dog’s not going to make your boobs sag or give you stretch marks. And best of all, your dog’s never going to go through a stage of hating you and blaming you for all of its problems.
Not Adorable
There are only two disadvantages to having a dog. 1) You have to pick up its shit its entire life. And 2) It’s never going to be able to make you a cocktail.
Since we’re making a list, I see only two drawbacks to not having a kid. 1) I don’t want to become one of those crazy women who treats her pet like the child she never had. I never want to board that crazy train. And 2) If I don’t have kids, who the hell is going to take care of me when I’m old? I would just get thrown into a home and fed soup through my nose. I gotta admit, this is a pretty big drawback. I’m not a fan of captivity. But again, there’s no guarantees here. I could squirt out the next Jeffrey Dahmer and then I’d still be in a home, but a whole lot sooner.
So that’s where I’m at, weighing the benefits and the obstacles. In the meantime, I’m really sick of people getting all Holly Homemaker on me. I know that as people, that’s what we do, we judge. I get that. I can be a judgey judge just like anyone else. I think I know what a person’s tip percentage is going to be before they even sit down at the bar, just by looking at them (but we’ll get into that another time).
I’m not disputing the fact that parenting is undoubtedly a profound part of the human experience. But I don’t think women who don’t want kids are to-be-feared, soulless freaks. I think we are different, but I don’t think we are separate. I don’t believe we should be made the other. And I don’t believe that you have to have children to be interesting or live a full life. Now, I’m not making any verbal or written commitments one way or another, but I am saying that I don’t know if I want kids. And isn’t it okay for people to be different and not know what they want without being criticized?
Reader Comments (8)
jon my man, THAT is an invitation...
I think knowing who you are and what you want is powerful. And I think knowing that you don't know something is even stronger. It is so much better to not want kids and choose not to have them than it is to have them and then decide you don't want them. I am so sad for the parents who live as though their children have "ruined their lives" and end up resenting them for "taking away their freedom."
The fact that you are 30 and making these decisions for yourself is amazing. I made these decisions way too early. I got married when I was 19 and got pregnant (on the pill) when I was 20. I always thought I wanted to get married and have kids, but who knows when they are 19? The fact is that I am now 30 also and looking back on who I've become. I love my husband in a way I never knew existed, in spite of his shortcomings, and I love my children with a depth far beyond my wildest dreams, in spite of their annoying conversations, the diaper stage (which I am past, thank God), and their sticky lollipops.
But, the question is, will I raise them in such a way that they will want to take care of me when I'm older? Will they be a gift to this world as they have been a gift to my life? Although I didn't necessarily "choose" to become a mother, I couldn't imagine my life without them. I guess my point is, if you can choose, then choose and be proud of that choice, but be ready for the game to change at any time and to embrace it when and if that happens. Whether that means your heart changes, and you're allowed to change your mind, or your circumstances change, and your heart follows.
But, don't ever lose yourself.
SO TRUE!!!
Omg, so funny! And thank you for saying this!!
The only reason men agree to have children is so that their wives have something else to focus on thus leaving us men alone to focus on our hobbies like golf, watching tv and drinking beer...
OMG. I think you're my soulmate. But you know, I like guys. So I mean that in a "I totally get the no kids love your puppy" kind of way.
I love your blog. I love how you write.
I have a bunch of friends that decided kids aren't for them. It's fine. They love being the uncles and aunts and saying..."Okay, I'm done...go back to Mommy!"
I finally had my kid and as cliche as it sounds....it really is the best thing in my life. Besides the dog that loves me when I look like shit, feel like shit, act like shit. HE ALWAYS LOVES ME.
sigh.
:)
My great aunt didn't have kids. So her sister (my grandma)'s kids took care of her - meaning my mom and uncle. I'm counting on that.