Gripes: Cotton Candy, Mojitos and Kabobs
Sunday, August 30, 2009 at 11:45PM I know I have a tendency to bitch and complain. I try not to make this dominant in my personality; it’s punishing being around someone who complains all day. But sometimes I just have to let out my inner critic of all things bullshit.
When I was in college, I had an opinion column in the University newspaper that I wanted to entitle Piss and Vinegar. The Editor in Chief declined my request (prude) so I settled on In The Buff. Every week In The Buff was 500 words of, well, piss, vinegar and shit-stirring. I called out what I thought to be bullshit around campus, around the nation, and in general just laughed at all the toolbags in the world.
I’m in a 12-step program to become a reformed complainer, but today I’m regressing—I just gotta let out my pent-up moaner and groaner. These are a few things that just really annoy me.
3) Cotton Candy. Right?! Right?? Um, anyone? Cotton candy is un utterly duplicitous “treat.” And in my opinion, it narrowly beats out the marshmallowy devil-candy Circus Peanuts as the most disgusting food-stuff ever.
I remember the first time I ever had cotton candy. It was as big of a disappointment as each new Entourage episode. I was 7 years old, fresh off the commune, living in Reno, and a new friend invited me to the circus with her and her Mom (who we shall call Mrs. Cuntalot for purposes of anonymity). People, this was big time. I remember trying to act normal:
“Just be cool, Buffy, be cool. You’ve done this like a million times. No big—ahhhhh!!! What the fuck is that painted-face freak doing with that balloon?! Make it stop!”
The greatest show on earth? More like a portal to hell—what had I done to deserve this? And then it goes and gets worse. Mrs. Cuntalot buys us each our own cotton candy, oh yeah, reeeaal sweet of her. I chose pink and pretended that I had eaten these furball-things since I was a baby.
“I got this covered. Nothin’ to look at here folks.” I proceeded to pick off all the cotton and stick it under my seat until I just had a paper stick in my hand. “Wait, what-the?”
“Um, I’m sorry Ma’m, but they forgot my candy.” I showed Mrs. Cuntalot my candyless stick as proof, and prayed that she would get me a new one. I didn’t want to miss out on this experience—one step closer to being normal. She then proceeded, along with her daughter, to laugh at me. Laugh A LOT. Through their squeals and pointing and queefing and more laughter I pieced together that the cotton was the candy. And mine was now on the floor under my seat. She would not be buying me a new one.
In the years since, I have had the “opportunity” to eat cotton candy (without subsequent ridicule), though it’s allure escapes me. Perhaps it’s the awkward memory associated with it, but I have similar such memories with the first time I had McDonald’s and a Slurpee, amongst other things. And I like Slurpees, but cotton candy is barf-on-my-face disgusting. It’s like putting a giant wad of hair in your mouth, and then it melts. Nothing about that is enticing. If you’re going to brain-wash children into believing that cotton candy is a celebration, you might as well trick them into thinking that spinach is a treat and then at least you’d be doing the kid a favor. Fuck you cotton candy.
Barf all over my face, Cotton Candy.
1) Mojitos. As a bartender, this goes without even saying. Ask any bartender and they’ll agree—mojitos are the devil disguised as a refreshing beverage. To all the non-bartenders out there, let me explain and hopefully convince you to never, NEVER order another motherfucking mojito ever again. (Do what you want at home—I’ll even give you instructions on how to make them, but for the love of every bartenders’ soul, please do not order one at a bar.)
First of all, when I’m old, I will have arthritis in my wrist from muddling mojitos for douche bags. To make a proper mojito you must muddle it and muddling to a bartender is synonymous with doing your taxes, pulling each finger nail back one by one, and being around groups of children.
Second, mojitos are contagious. Once one polo-shirted tourist asks, “Hey, you guys got mojitos here?” suddenly the plague has been spread and even typically cool customers turn into mojito zombies. Once the first one has been made, for the next five hours everyone who walks through the door has glazed over eyes and chants “Mojito. Mojito. Mojito.”
This lemming-like behavior never fails to make me lose even more hope in the human species. For the love of god, be original, don’t order a mojito. I don’t care how refreshing they are. And please don’t think you’re being cool while you’re ordering it, especially if you’re trying to say it with an accent. Guh-ross, Captain Dorkalot. Enough already.
Suck it, Mojito.
2) Kabobs. Okay, so maybe I’m just pissed off at certain foods and the people who eat them. Fine. But would someone please explain to me the puppy-dog infatuation with kabobs? I believe the kabob obsession falls into the same wasteland part of the human brain as the mojito zombie effect.
Kabobs are terrible. Terrible! The meat is ALWAYS over cooked. The tomatoes are bombs of hot mush that you either a) burn your mouth trying to eat or b) have to wait till they cool down enough until they’re edible, and then they’re sloppy, cold lumps of glop. The bell peppers make me want to cry they’re so boring and I just love it when people throw on a giant chunk of onion. Mmm, delicious, a big, mouthwatering piece of unseasoned onion. NO. “Not once, not neva.”
The best part—and it’s a stretch—is when a kabob has pineapple, but the pineapple always ends up tasting like chicken or onion and I don’t know about you, but I like my pineapple to taste like pineapple, not pineapple breast meat. I wish kabobs and the frenzy they invoke would jump off the cliff with mojitos and cotton candy.
I just don't get it.
Piss and Vinegar, signing off.
P.S. My last day of work was Saturday night. It was velly, velly interesting. I’m still processing. More about that on Wednesday.
Reader Comments (33)
I TOTALLY HATE cotton candy too!!! I think it's absolutely disgusting! Even the flavor, let alone the texture. And although I've never had a mojito, the teacher across the hall loves them. But I think she makes most of hers at home because when we go out, she orders lemon drop martinis.
I'm so with you on the cotton candy haters list. I mean, it's not even like flavored or anything.
It's kinda like a cross between a spider web and braer rabbit's tar baby. It's the kind of thing you want to buy for an annoying friend's kid. No, Bobby, i haven't seen your annoying mother. You want some cotton candy while you wait for her?
Then sit back and enjoy watching bobby turn into human fly paper.
Oh God, I've nearly both nearly wet my pants and done some damage by snorting instead of laughing. You crack me up, missus. I don't even know where to start.
First, embrace your pissing and moaning. I have mine. I love it.
Second, I don't do that sticky shit cotton candy. It's even weirder in Australia - we call it Fairy Floss. What the fuck? Fairy floss? Seriously, what the fuck?
Third, Mrs Cuntalot - genius name. I've got her all pictured in my mind and her name suits her.
Fourth, "Suck it, mojito" caused a major snort.
Fifith, I so so so love that you managed to slip a shit-talking lizard reference into the kebob story. I'm in love with the lizard. I'm not in love with the kebob. The photo makes me throw up in my mouth.
Sixth, Can't wait to hear about your last day at work, I'm definitely intrigued.
And finally, you are just about the funniest mofo ever. Keep it up.
I enjoyed playing with my cotton candy. Walking around with a pink beard. Wearing crazy pink bushy eyebrows. And then of course telling your friends "I bet I can shove this whole cotton candy in my mouth!" Well of course you can dumbass its made of air and sugar, poof.
I have never liked mojitos. Anything that has mint in it. GEESH. Plus I felt like a sissy ever ordering one. Walking up with my hand in my pants and belching while ordering a bud light always felt way more badass to me.
I sooooo agree with you on the kabobs. The meat is ALWAYS overcooked. And how many times have we all jabbed ourselves with the damn stick it's on trying pry the food off!
Totally! Completely! Absolutely!!
Oh man, this is HILARIOUS!!!
Wait, no more bartending? I enjoy all of these things you mentioned so effective today our friendship ends.
kabobs, so 60's. you have to be drinking martinis and smoking cigerettes DURING dinner to get kabobs.
not a corn-dog and BLUE cotton candy crowd?
See to me, mojitos are all kinds of wrong for entirely different reasons. It's of my opinion (which is always right except when it's not) that drinks should never include mint. Mint is not a beverage flavour and makes my hair stand on end. Plus Bacardi makes me sick. Therefore, SAY NO TO THE MO.
Cotton candy though. I love cotton candy. We call it "candy floss". I love the way it's all sticky and fluffy then melts on your tongue or goes chewy. It's awesome. Who doesn't like to make a giant candy beard then eat it? Who doesn't like to pretend they have a giant, pink BUSH?
...That last one might just be me...
The Mojito-zombie phenomenon is new to me. I found it funny because I just went to an outdoor bar in Big Sur last week, saw three or four people drinking Mojitos, and changed my order from my usual bourbon on the rocks to the arthritis-inducing Mojito. Guilty as charged, but never again. Thank you for making me see the light, Buffy.
Jules: Totally! The texture, flavor, everything--it's just WRONG!
Elise: I freaking adore you. You're amazing. And seriously, "fairy floss"---wuuuuh?! Outrageous!!! My life is now complete. Oh and hell yeah woman, we have to throw in as many shit talking lizard references as possible!! xo
Eddie: HAHAHAHAHA!!! I love it!!
Boober: Oh don't get me wrong, I enjoy playing with CC. And then throwing it in the trash. I'm glad you feel me on the mojitos and kabobs--just so gross! xo
Jenny: :)
Jeff: Yay!
Vincey: Someone has to catch up on his HHH reading...ahem. Or, we could just talk on the phone. :) I can't believe you like these things. I feel like I just found out Santa doesn't exist.
Mam-B: Does being drunk and having your taste buds killed with cigarettes help mask the taste of the kabob? I could see that. Note to self the next time I'm forced to eat one. ;)
Key Grip: Corn dog?? Who said anything about corn dogs?! Bring on the corn dogs!
Veggie: "No to the Mo" FO SHO! And don't get me wrong, I love making a pink bush out of CC. That's definitely its saving grace.
Ryan Firpo: Holy crap, hilarious! You totally fell prey to the phenomenon! Stick with the bourbon on the rocks - the ladies will flock to you. :)
Fuck, I love mojitos!! No wonder I always get smacked in the face every time I order one!!
Can i also add that i love the pictures and drawings...more please.
Must agree about the cotton candy. That is a disgusting thing to think about digesting. Let's just suck down an entire bag of sugar. You are so right about Mojitos. Made me laugh out loud with your description. Yes, indeed it seems like everyone gets on the Mojito train as soon as some yuppie (probably me) thinks it would be a brilliant idea to start drinking them. At least all the women at the table concur with my decision and the muddling begins. Another treat with too much sugar. Inevitably I feel sick after drinking them. Perhaps, it's the bad karma from starting everyone down that road. I shall remember this post next time I think about indulging.
I'd like to add Funnel Cake to the Cotton Candy category. GROSS!
I also fucking hate kabobs, giant pieces of onion and exploding tomatoes make me want to puke as well. Other food stuffs that are disgusting include, of course, american cheese (Why does it get to be called "american"? That is so insulting to me as an American.), bologna, jello, ambrosia salad, anything at a potluck put together by Mormons, hospital food, dorm food, kool aid, pepsi, overcooked vegetables, overcooked beef (medium rare please), and much more that I will think of to rant about later.
Thanks again for the hilarious post! I love the pictures!!
I have to admit my guilt for ordering mojitos; what would you recommend as an easy "go to" drink that a bartender will not want to murder me for ordering? I like vodka and tequila, but I need them in a mixed fashion and I like me a little sugar (at least initially, and when the Patron Silver shots start, it's going to get crazy).
Diesel, I promise to never eva order a mojito...
I thank the stars each day that my bartending days were long over before the blasted mojito. I also let out a small groan anytime someone at my dinner table orders a blended drink. And fuck it all to hell if someone else at the table orders a different blended drink. NIGHTMARE! I try to hide under the table.
So....I have to say, as a fellow booze slinger, mojitos are the bane of my existence especially when some screachy sorority bitch squeals "Can I get a mojito?" Of course my initial answer WOULD be "lick mah balls." But alas, I can't. I'm with you on that one Hip-Hop. However, I must say that cotton candy holds a special place in my fat, southern fried heart. Cotton candy always makes me nostalgic -- think summer fairs. As much as I would love to hate that wretched pile of sugary spider web that crystalizes when it hits your spit, I can't. Oh, and I love funnel cakes too kneebucks. A funnel cake WITH cotton candy perhaps? Mmmmm. Cakes and pies.
Caroline: Haha, yeah, no more mojitos! I'll teach you how to make them though so you can have them at your new pad! :) And yay, glad you like the pics!
WhenPigsFly: Hilarious! Loved your comment!
Kneebucks: Funnel cake makes me feel like I ate a cement block!
C Ros: OMG, ambrosia salad makes me want to spew all over the walls! And that shitty shredded carrot, mayo, raisin salad--what the fuck is that?! And Pepsi, yes, so nasty! (and everything else you mentioned!)
Sal: Thank you, Lamthong!
Colby: Seriously, those friends need to be voted off the island. We all have those friends and they're just so embarrassing to go out with! It's like, "Ah no, why don't we order in?" :)
Mr. Beane: Mojitos are satan spawn. And awww, I shoulda known you'd like cotton candy and funnel cake. You're adorable. I miss you!
Awwww, but I like Mojitos!! Refreshing little fucks, aren't they?! Oh, and that Ms. Cuntalot was a terrible she-rapist... I mean, why did she want my balls for "that"??!!
yo! you dirty, stinky, funny bitch. you are right cotton candy sucks but mojitos are good. being a bartender, i can hear ya clucking but, what the fuck ever! its your job to make time consuming drinks for undeserving bitches and boners. you can always get another job! this being said, i never order mojitos either, but they are yummy. kabobs=yuk. but, kebabs, the middle eastern kind, with the fresh sliced, rotating log meat, fresh pitaish bread, some greenery and semi-spicy yogurty sauce is gooooooooood. keep pissin.
Organic Meatbag: Total she-rapist. And just say no to the mo's! :)
Morty Mort: I DID get another job! Well, no, that's not entirely correct, but I DID quit! Check out tomorrow's post. And your comment was heelarious. Piss away!
Buff, I will say initially that I'm with you on several points. There are some nuances that I think may need to be fleshed out to some degree....for instance, people don't go to the circus to eat health food. Have you seen these people, Buffy? Go to the circus and find the salmon ceviche tent...nada. You might find something of some substance, but it's usually in really big patties on the floor of the big top.
Cotton candy is one of those Americana kinds of treats that everyone claims to love. I shouldered the burden of my secret hate of cotton candy for years....until now. Buffy, you and all of your readers have set me free! I am not alone! Mulder WAS RIGHT! Any treat that leaves you as a diabetic is no treat for me!
Mojitos are whole 'nuhvah thing for me, however. I do so love them....I grew five different kinds of mint in my yard so that I can drink them all summer long! This year I also grew a stevia plant so that I could muddle all of the leaves together -- all natural! It sucked. It tasted like rummy lawn clippings. With mint.
I can say that I though I may share my love of mojitos, I don't order them in a restaurant or a bar. I know that they are very labor intensive drinks. I really enjoy making them at home! I guess the muddling part is a very familiar and natural motion for me.