Age of Aquarihos
Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 12:00AM I’m not gonna beat around the 70s bush, it’s my birthday on Friday. That’s right, HHH is turning the anticlimactic age of 31.
Becky at Steam Me Up, Kid gave me this card for my bday. Well, I asked her to give it to me; I'm subtle like that. It's UH-mazing. So is she. If you want to laugh yourself to six-pack abs, check her out.
I’m a big birthday person. My birthday, your birthday, his birthday, her birthday, let’s do this thing. It’s one day a year that’s your day. You don’t have to do laundry, you don’t have to eat vegetables and for the love of god, please, do NOT go to the dentist.
I’ve been a little ho-hum about turning 31 though. Last year for my 30th Jon planned an off the charts four day celebration and we really blew it out. And by blow it out I mean at one point I was in a bikini and chaps running around the desert of Joshua Tree with 14 of my closests. But turning 31 is a little wuh wuuuh.
And then I got a card from my Grandpa. This is what it read:
“Remember, you might be older than you’ve ever been before…But you’re also younger than you’ll ever be again!”
Funneee. And a wittle bit dee-pwessing.
Later that night, I had the house to myself. It was quiet except for Snoots’ snoring and gas passing. I had the remnants of a wine hangover from the night before, but I was fighting it with popcorn and peanut butter cups. And then I looked at that card again and had a classic human mortality moment:
HO LEE SHIT. I’m going to die someday.
You know, one of those moments usually triggered by a hangover, solo marijuana smoking or a near death experience. I refrained from crying and sogging-up my popcorn by eating more peanut butter cups.
But then I realized—hold up, I’m totally the tween of 30 somethings. And when I’m 71, I’ll be the tween of 70 somethings. That's how that works right? Every decade we get to be young again? Sweet.
HHH at 31
HHH at 71. Boobs over my knees, purple hair, chain smoking, and gulping martinis.Maybe 39-year-olds look at me and think, “DEWD, if I only knew then what I know now.” When you’re 21 you think you have it all figured out and so advice from Senior Citizens (anyone over 25), is supes annoying.
But now that I’m turning 31 I realize I pretty much don’t know anything. Advice from anyone a few years older than me is totally welcome. Except if the advice is have babies—unless you’d like to send me a monthly stipend, a new vagina, and a dumpster of patience, it ain’t happenin’ right now.
If I had to give my 21-year-old self advice it would be this: Stop taking shit so seriously. There’s nothing “to figure out.” Relax. I have a feeling my 41-year-old self might be telling the 31-year-old me the same thing...
So is there anyone in the house who’s older than me who has some advice? Anything you’d like to tell your 31-year-old self? Something you wish you had known then?
I'm muchos thankativos.
P.S. Don't forget about the school photo contest. Send me your pic at hhhsucka@yahoo.com by this Saturday the 23rd.
Reader Comments (37)
I'd love to write something profound but I'm too hungry. Eat when hungry. That's great advice.
Aw, Happy Early Birthday, my Young Friend!!!! My advice to you is to keep being who you are and living each day as it is!! I heart you!
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. Happy B-Day!
I'm younger than you (haha! jk:) but I could use any advice given as well. It's welcome!
Omg, that card just made me cry I was laughing so hard!!!!! Hahahaha!!! And those pictures are classic!!!
Ellie: That is terrific advice. Too often do I not eat when I'm hungry and eat when I'm not hungry all of which leads to crankiness.
Jules: Aww, that's awesome! Thanks, Jules! I heart you too!
KM: HAAA! I hate it when people pull the whole nose up the butt up the stairs routine--back off mofos! :)
Ronny: Oh you bitch! ;)
Jenny12: Isn't it ridiculous? I just love it!
Thank god you'll always be older than me. PHEW. I did find a gray hair the other day though and that's NOT OKAY.
I rely on W. C. Fields, a truly great drunk, for advise, " Start every day with a smile, and get it over with"
I'm totally gonna have purple hair when I'm 70 too. I mean, why not?
BenBen: Biotchabotch! But haha, gray hair karma got you sucka! ;)
Zoots: That is AWESOME. Um, genius. I clearly need to do some more W.C. research. Thanks, Zoots!
Sara F: Seriously, there's no reason not to.
That's good advice, the relax business. I need to tell myself that every day, but it rarely works.
My grandpa would always say "Illegetimi non carborundum est" - nonsense Latin for "Don't let the bastards grind you down", which is applicable in so many situations. I think you should also keep in mind - am I a person that both my 8 year old and 80 year old selves would like and be proud of? Which, I'm sure your answer is a resounding yes on both counts - following your dreams and living it up seems like you're on the right track fo sho. Happy Birthday my friend!
Well - since you're older than me ok -ok - only by a little less than a month) I'd like you're advice! And since I'm prego - please ask your fans to send me all those things you listed you would need in order to have a babies; monthly stipend, new vagina, and ass-load of patience...I'm gonna need it for the next 30+ years I suppose. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUFF! Wish I could celebrate with you...or at least be your DD.
happy early birthday!!! i'm 38 and have tons of advice. for now, i'll just leave you with something i've learned the 'hard' way. (you'll get that joke in a minute)
as good as you think you've had sex . . . you haven't experienced anything until you've had sex in your 30s - especially mid-late 30s!
it's something to look forward to. and for my sake i hope the 40s are even better or i'm slitting my wrists.
That B-day card is fucking am-az-ing!!! HHH I'm going through the same shit...part of me is so happy to be turning 31 and the other part of me wants to eat Carvel ice cream cake and cry.....did I mention I'm PMS-ing. I like what C Ros said. :)
I wish I told my 31 year old self not to say, "oh, you'll be successful by...." Don't set yourself up. Have patience, live in the moment, be grateful, read radical forgiveness and HAVE PATIENCE.
Happy birthiday beautiful 31 :)
Oh, and being depressed about a birthday is way to cliche. Way to "common". There is enough to be depressed about in the world so tell yourself it's a great day because like the movie BEING THERE said, "Life is a state of Mind"
Happy Early Birthday Tiger! I don't know why I said tiger, it just came out so I am leaving it. Yunno, I wish I had some sort of advice, I doubt I ever will. I'm still telling the me from yesterday that there is nothing to figure out. I really hope I feel something different by the time I reach 30 though. Because right now I feel pretty old at the age of 27, and I feel like a pretty dumb old person. (Not that 31 is old though...:)) Lemme know what you learn!! I could use the advice too!
anxiety is a by-product of not being in the present, to tag on to kneebucks... Grace comes into space, so keeps lots of silence and emptiness in your life. Happy Birthday, Sunshine.
Jeff B: DITTO.
C Ros: Oh I love that quote! Thanks, Gramps! I just need to practice my Latin pronounciation so I can throw that around. Love, love, love. :)
Whit Freeman: I wish we could celebrate together too!! My advice is to celebrate more often. :) I can't wait to meet baby WTF! :) xoxo
Claire: Ummmmmm, SCORE. Gotta love that!!!
Caroline: OH man, PMSing on top of it?! Not okay. We'll be eating some great shit soon girl! Can't wait!!
Kneebucks: Aww, you quoted Being There. Hearts and hearts to you. Love the advice, great, great advice.
Carissa: Haha! Seriously, I've felt old since I was 12. Wut up with that? I think one of my goals this year is to feel YOUNG. Play more, have more fun. Okay, def adding that shit to my to-do list (of course I turned it and made it anal, ha!)
Mama-B: Ohhh, grace comes into space--LOVE IT!!! Mama-B strikes again with pearls of wisdom. :)
Well I think you're a tiny young thing if it helps. I mean I'm closer to 40 than 30 now and I've decided "Fuck it, you're as old as you act, therefore I am twelve." Only with alcohol benefits. :) Happy birthday for Friday cool chick.
That Steamy has a lovely way of inducing reality into everything. :)
I just turned 32 this December. Nothings changed from when I was 31 so I got's nothing. Except no one ever tells you when you're 20 that one day you will find a white hair in your eyebrow. Just one, all by it's lonesome waiting for the rest of the crowd.
Happy Birthday to You. I've never thought about the pussy juice part but so true.
Oh, happy birthday for Friday!!!! Hope you have an awesome day and get spoilt rotten!! xxx
And with the advice thing, what do we really need to know anyway? Go with the flow, roll with the punches, blah blah blah. Always have a drink and a little stash of pot close by and you'll be grand. (But what do I know - I've just turned 30!)