McDonald's, You Dirty Slut
Monday, February 1, 2010 at 12:00AM I’m not one to beat a dead horse. Or stick a fork in a kitten’s eye. Or jerk-off a monkey. But I’m going to take exception just once, well just once in January perhaps. Beware all dead horses, kittens and endowed monkies, I’m comin’ for you.
Reminiscing about this hippie kid’s first trip to 7-11 and my encounter with the famed Slurpee reminded me of my first experience with fast food, more specifically McDonald’s. Oh lawdy, was it ever mind-blowing. (And I promise, I’m not going to spend weeks talking about each new food item I ingested as a kid new to society. Last one, I swear-ish.)
So when we first moved to “the big city” (Reno), we lived on a block with five boys and three girls. I was one of the girls, incase my small B cups had you fooled. The other two girls turned out to be real bitches (I have since learned that up until about the age of 20, most chicks are pretty much impossible to be around.)
Therefore, I needed to befriend the boys on the block. And to do so, I had to keep secret that pink was my favorite color. I also needed to enter tomboy training camp. I realized that in our posse of 6 (the five boys and me) there were three camps—2 athletic brothers, 2 nerdy brothers and 1 loner. I wanted to befriend them all.
For the athletic brothers I perfected the art of fort building, throwing balls of dirt at passing cars, and lighting hedges on fire. As you can see, I clump minor childhood vandalism into the same group as athleticism. Oh, and I practiced my spiral pass because the neighborhood football team needed a QB and I was absofuckinglutely going to be QB1.
For the loner boy, his Mom was always gone so he had a surplus of porn. And I’m not talking fluff like Playboy. Um, no. Somehow he had every fetish magazine imaginable and curiously enough, every white girl/black guy gang-bang recorded. Here’s me, fresh off the commune watching a gang bang.
These early experiences could be why I worked at Hustler Magazine later in life. Just a hunch.
Anytitties, we would make Wonder Bread and Velveeta sandwiches (this was always the only thing in his fridge, but it was a delicacy for my brown rice saturated palette) and go into our fort and look at porn. He and I never “played doctor,” but rather took notes on the many ways to style pubic hair and the diverse contortions that appeared to be incredibly enjoyable. Needless to say, I was his best friend.
Then there were the nerd hermanos. These two rarely left the house, but preferred the sanctity of their TV and Nintendo. Who can blame them? With them I developed a long-lasting and always fulfilling love affair with Super Mario Bros. Specifically Super Mario 3. It was my sunshine and it was my breath. I thought of little else. Rescuing Princess Toadstool became my life’s obsession and my life’s work.
My god, the site of this still gives me butterflies.
We would have tournaments to see who could rescue her the quickest. They created elaborate charts and an in-depth scoring system. I wasn’t so interested in those nerd ways, but rather just the pure ecstasy of viiiiiideeeeeooooo gaaaaaaaames. If I could’ve shot-up Super Mario, I would’ve.
It was there, at the house of Nintendo, that I first had McDonald’s. I was over for an intense sesh of who could beat world 6, ice world, the fastest when Mama Nerdlinger asks, “Who wants some McDonald’s?”
Ummmmm, scuse me? Is she joking?? Please don’t toy with me. Do I want some McDonald’s?! No…“want” doesn’t come into play…
I NEED ME SOME MCDONALD’S.
And thank fucking god someone finally asked me! Hello best day of my life.
I. Could. Not. Wait.
“Buffy, what do you want?”
And therein lies the rub. I might as well be ordering off a menu in Klingon. Sonuffabetch.
To Be Continued, holding your breath may commence.
Reader Comments (24)
That DOES explain the Hustler........
mmmm. doctor.
I loooooooved Super Mario 3. Nothin' better. Mario 2 was really weird.
Ice world was so hard!! I don't think I actually ever beat ice world.
Why couldn't I have ever had a porn neighbor? You're lucky woman my friend. :)
Jules: Right? The puzzle pieces are comin together...
Ellie: ;)
Sara F: Mario 2 was the worst! I guess it was basically ripped off of a Japanese game, but it has NOTHING to do with Mario! Pituey.
BenBen: So hard. Ridic.
Ronny: Money and fame follow some people, porn follows me.
I was a master at fort building. I miss that. Why don't adults build forts? We're so stuffy.
I'd build a fort NOW if I could. In fact, last winter I was all for trying to build an igloo but then I remembered that I can't build an igloo from the warmth of my living room and it would involve getting too up close and personal with minus 35 degrees and decided I didn't need an igloo THAT bad...
We never had McDonald's when I was growing up. It was an American thing we all coveted. We had a weird UK counterpart called WIMPY. Great name huh? Wimpy, however, was way better than McDonald's (they had plates and cutlery and stuff!) and had the best veggie burger ever known to mankind. It was so good that when Burger King came along and bought all the WImpies they kept their veggie burger on their menu as a "Spicy Beanburger" which they sell to this day in the UK. I have one every time I go home. Fucking tasty NOM NOM NOM food. Believe me. If you're in the UK ever go to BK and get one, I demand it.
Please write a memoir entitled "Fresh Off The Commune, Watching a Gang Bang."
Also, I like you lots.
now i want mcdonald's. i haven't had it in weeks, maybe months. dammit!
"Jerk off a monkey"...LOL!! Love starting my Moday w/ some HHH.
quarter pounder? big mac? chicken mcnuggets? a happy meal? mcrib???? what did you order for crying out loud???
Jeff: seeeeeriously
Veggie: our BKs version of a veggie burger is just nothing. That's rite, just a bun, ketchup
and 2 sad pickle chips. Wtf man? Bullshit! Let's go
build a fort, STAT!
Hannah: that is a most fab memoir title! I like you lots too.
Claire: aww shit, bummer dude!
Caroline: you know that monkey bit was for you gurl!
JE: oh you're just gonna have to wait! I know, torture right? ;)
I def built a fort in college. Tequilla was involved... It was fantastic, although prob far more amusing to us than for the new roomate who thought homeless people had moved in. Just like being a kid again, apart from the booze and laptops for movies.
You have had such a strange life. Makes for good blog reading. I too was a tomboy but stayed away from the vandalism. So sorry I've been remiss in stopping by the blog but have been in sunny Florida and went on an internet hiatus. I did think of you as we went to this amazing Spanish tapas restaurant in Miami and I had a killer drink. It's called El Ximenez and I had the bartender write down the recipe. It involves strawberries, vodka and a balsamic vinegar reduction among other things. Yum! I had too many but loved it. I may have to post the recipe.
Despite my Christian school upbringing, my father was a bit of a dirty bird with his Hustlers. I remember the time I found them and was nearly blinded by the site of a gang bang that took place on a pool table. I guess we never forget our first time.
just curious, any story about your first experience with indoor plumbing??? (Maybe while eating McDonalds, playing Mario and rifling through some porn???)
I have no words... None. Pyromania, tomboys, Mrs Nerdlinger, McDonalds, PORN!! Goddamn, where is part two?!
I too loved SMB3. We'd spend hours trying to win that game.
Yeah, I had me a Porn Neighbor when I was a kid, too.......
But he was a balding, middle aged fat guy, with a video camera, lots of candy, and full set lighting and microphone booms in his spare bedroom.
So I Reckon I got into acting wayyyyyy before you did.
But I don't reckon I'll be getting any fame or notoriety for it....
the cops came and confiscated all the footage of me, and threw old mister Eldinger into federal prison.
Last I heard of him.
Ohhhh I can't wait to hear the end of this story. I would have so been your best friend if we lived near each other. I can make the best fort in the world. I also was really good at level 6 in Super Mario 3... and it was also my life for about two years.
Em: Awwwwwwesome!
Jen: Omg YUM!!! I used to make a strawberry balsamic vinegar cocktail!! You have to email the recipe to see if it's similar! If you post it on your blog, lemme know so I can link to it! And lemme know if you want to guest post it here some Friday!
Colby: HAAA! You're right, we totally never forget our first gang bang...seeing one in porn that is.
Kneebucks: Oh man! I need to think about that one!
Elise: Ha! I hearts yous. :)
Toe: Good gawd, isn't it great?!
Rosamond: You're joking!!! Wait, are you joking???
Carissa: Ummm, seriously, why have we just now met?! And only via the internez?!
I'm hoping you say "chicken nuggets with extra sweet n sour sauce"