Week of Ridiculi
Monday, February 22, 2010 at 12:00AM Yes, that is the plural for ridiculous.
You’ve gathered over the last 8 months (holy chrizzy crap, it’s my 8 month blogoversary!) that I lead a life of ridiculi. Even when I try, I can just never seem to do anything normal. For better or for worse.
This week was no different. I’m beginning to think that I’m living someone else’s sitcom. Guess it’s better than living a Hallmark movie.
So my new job in Oz requires lots of running around and then intermittent spurts of sitting on the most uncomfortable chairs on the planet. They are the Chinese water torture of furniture.
I have a history of sciatic nerve problems. I pinched mine several years back and it’s never healed. If you’ve never experienced sciatica, it’s a real treat. It’s as though you're electrocuted every time you take a step. Or sit down. Or move. Or stay still. Or breath.
Anywahwah, these demon chairs at work, paired with running around on mean work shoes has caused my sciatica to come out and have a pain parade up and down my body. I’ve tried every form of treatment, but the only thing that’s given me any relief (besides a pitcher of margaritas and marijuana) is the magic of my acupuncturist. UNFORTUNATELY, to receive the relief, I must first undergo more torment.
In the form of a four inch needle in my ass.
A FOUR INCH NEEDLE IN MY ASS.
That’s right. The needle needs to be that long to pass through the glute muscles. (I like to think of my ass as having 4 inches of muscle, not 4 inches of fat; just go with me on this.) It needs to come close to the hip joint where the nerve passes. Once the needle approaches the sciatic, you get a jolt of lighting through your body that can only be compared to French kissing a light socket.
And then you lie there, with that needle in your ass, for TWENTY MINUTES.
While scrolling the internez for images of acupuncture I came upon this pic:
EWWW.
And, in the same group of photos, this pic:
Really? What the what?
Yeah, so there's that, anyway, I’ve suffered from sciatica for 5 years, this is only the second time I’ve been desperate enough for the pain to go away to endure the 4-inch needle. But, I don’t know if it’s magic or if it’s just the thought of having another sword in my butt, but the next day, no more electrocuting sciatic pain. Sweet Jesus.
So speaking of work and my ass…on to more ridiculi. The other night, it had been a very long week of insane callbacks where we were seeing kids. The only thing worse than 300 kids running around in a lobby waiting to audition, is their lunatic parents. All the stereotypes of stage parents are TRUE.
After three 11-hour days of this lunacy, my co-workers and I were punch drunk and volatile. I sat in a stupor with my two female co-workers, showing each other pictures of our cute widdle doggies off our cell phones. As I was showing Co-worker #1 a particularly fetching pic of Snoots N Toots, the office phone rang. I left my cell on her desk and went to answer the office line. After I hung up, I looked back over at Co-worker #1. She’s still looking at my phone, but now her face is a shade of ripe tomato.
Apparently she decided to scroll through my photos - maybe thinking it was an entire album dedicated to Snoots?! Yeah, it wasn’t. I just so happened to have a, hmm, well, a sexy-time photo on my phone…
Mother. Of. God.
One of those shots that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend take during a drunken night that seems to be SUCH a good idea. Another good idea? Keeping it on my phone. Ruh-roh. Luckily there were no pink parts showing, per se, but there didn’t need to be…I’ll leave it at that.
So what does Co-worker #1 do? Oh, gets up and goes and shows it to Co-worker #2. NATURALLY!
Let me remind you, I am still very much the new girl at work. I’ve been there for one month. One month! Glad I’m making such a good impression.
Next day, one of my MALE co-workers emails me this:
“Apparently you have some photo that I'm going to want to see of you sucking down a beer whilst wearing only your underwear. Please advise.”
Awesome. Now I’m THAT GIRL. Always classy. I replied that the photo was never meant to be seen by anyone except for Jon and it has been deleted, hopefully squashing all talk of photo-gate 2010.
So not looking forward to work today.
More stories of ridiculi to come...
Reader Comments (32)
AWESOME!!
Well. You know. If you can't have a sex video, I guess sexy-time photos are the next best thing. You're cool enough to pull it off. I bet all the ho's you work with (who goes through someone else's phone anyway?) will all now have photos of themselves on their phones that they "accidently" leave around for other people to see. Skanks.
4-inch needles. What the fucking fuck? Fuck.
THAT is my idea of HELL! 300 kids in ONE spot... Oh, did you think I was talking about the undie pics??
(Wiping away a tear, of laughter...)...sometimes i think if it weren't for your blog, my unridiculi, almost boring life at the moment, would be less tolerable. Your suffering, and writing about it, (and the WACKY photos you find), on behalf of we, the masses, is noted, and much appreciated! Speaking of mass, I think the catholics are handing out sainthoods to the wrong people....i can't think of any 'saint' who MAKES ME LAUGH. In the name of the Father, The Son, and Buffy!
What is that Asian man doing to his head?!?! I'm horrified!
Elise: Ha! Oh god, I HOPE I didn't start a sexy-time photos at work trend! Ewww! Mortified. And four inch needle--wtf right?!
Jules: That's my hell too!!! Hooooorrible!
Benjies: Gosh Benjies, this totally just made my day! You're way too kind, but THANK YOU! On another site that I blog for, I just got a mean snarky ass comment, so thank you so much for your amazing words!!! What timing. I don't know what I'd do without YOU!
Jeff B: Absolutely horrifying!
I can't get the image of that needle in your ass outta my head. (not the worse thing that's ever been stuck in my head though;) Seriously, that must've been THE WORST! Wow, glad you're getting some relief though!
oooh, maybe I can get advise! I was texted a rather naughty, no, a pullease put that thing away, photo by mistake from a friend. Slipped a digit or something on the blackberry. I sorta want to make a snide remark, but this was clearly not meant for me. Best to let it slide?
That needle business sounds horrible, but I'm glad you're getting some relief. What kind of person would go through someone else's phone? That is so wrong!
The thing about mean people, they are mean no matter what. They live to be mean, because they hate themselves, their lives, blame everyone for their stupid misery, and dump their self-hatred all over the internet, and the world. I see it in all the comment sections for any article or blog. These people you MUST ignore. Just mentally cross out their words immediately. Buddha could post something, the coolest person in the world can post something, and the snark-asses will still bring the ugliness, for the aforementioned reasons. I'm sure you're developing a thicker skin, now that you've put yourself out there in the blogosphere, and that's good....you'll need it when you get your own sitcom, or writing gig for SNL, etc!
Ronny: It was the worst!! Just thinking about it makes me toes curl. But I"m so happy not to be gimping around anymore!
Mama-B: Oh no!!! Hmm, well if you don't respond then they're going to think that the person they sent it to received it. Unless they've already talked to that person then if they have any phone savvy they'll be able to see on that they actually sent it to you...and then you're not responding. So maybe reply something funny?? I dunno! What an awkward situation!!! Eeeek!
C Ros: Right?! And yes, the relief, sweet it is! Did you watch Errol ski?! :)
Omg, that photo story is awful! How embarrassing! I'm so sorry. Geez, how inappropriate for the coworkers! Good luck at work today...
Those photos! As always HHH, priceless. And those stories! Hilarious! Keep us posted how work goes today.
Benjies: SO TRUE. There's just mean people everywhere, no matter what. Constant lessons in letting the words fly off our backs. Practice, practice! Thank you for this reminder and for YOUR words. You're so awesome, Benjies. :)
Sara: Thank you. Gulp!
Jenny12: Ridic pics right! Who are these people?!
Oh man, which is worse, seething back pain or embarrassment pain from the sexy time pics? I'll go with the back pain because hey, at least you were wearing undies in the photo. I mean for a girl who worked at Hustler, it could have been SO much worse. :) Still, YOW!
Poor you on the Sciatica though. If I suffered from that I'd be a big, whining baby all the time. I mean if it's bad enough that you welcome a gigantic needle in your ass, it has to be awful. I had a hip joint infection a few years ago and had to have a giant needle that looked like it stabbed dinosaurs, stabbed into the joint with cortisone in it and I remember thinking "Normally I would get up and run the second I saw that, however, a) I cannot run due to seething hip pain and b) it cannot be a quarter as painful as the hip pain itself". And I was right. When the doc says "this might hurt a bit" before an injection, you know it's not good as normally they're lying pieces of shit at such things, but I found it ok in comparison.
There, it's all about me now. :)
First of all, congrats on 8 months, secondly, a 4 inch needle? and finally, I want to see the photo too. FB profile pic??
was the pumpkin photo really found on the internet or was it taken the same night as the underwear/beer photo? (someone else's pumpkin, of course!)
Veggie: You're absolutely right, it's a total miracle that I was wearing my underwear! I barely have those things on at all! And a hip joint infection?! What the what?! How in the hell does that happen?! That sounds horrible. Like, right up there with giving birth horrible. We need margaritas stat.
Caroline: Haha! FB profile, ha! Yeah, might as well, everyone's already seen it anyway! And thanks mam!! :)
JE: Oh good lawd, if I saw that Pumpkin first hand, I'd still be in a corner sucking my thumb.
Well, I'm glad you have some relief from your pain. If you hadn't I would think today the perfect day for a huge dose of margaritas! After all it is National Margarita Day. What the hell! Pain or no pain, any day is a perfect day for margaritas!
Couldn't POSSIBLY be better than the photo I have of you, blindfolded, pinning the pastie on Nomi...
TW: National Margarita Day?! WTF?! Now I must have one! It's the patriotic thing to do! ;)
Robin: Now that is truly a classic photo! We need another Showgirls night stat!
OH MY GOSH HOW EMBARRASSING!!! But, at least your hot and they couldn't say anything bad about the pic. I have some incredibly (OMYGOD I WILL DIE WHEN I GET FAMOUS AND THESE PICS GET OUT) pics of me from when I was balls to the wall wasted, naked, jumping off of a diving board. Did I mention that this was when I was over a 100 lbs heavier!? I have to stay really good friends and suck up to my current roommate when we move out, because he literally controls the fate of my future and my dignity.
The four inch needle in the ass. What's wrong with me? Where's my tiny dick joke? I'm broken.
You should post that photo. You totally should. Listen to me. I'm your blog friend. Post it. :-)
Congrats on the 8 month mark. I always love reading about your ridiculous life. It is so much more interesting than my own. The cell phone picture thing is not a good idea. I do not like to keep or for that matter have taken any compromising pictures of myself. The thought of anything circulating around the internet any more embarrassing than my writing is too frightening to think about.
Keep up with the acupuncture and margaritas, by all means.
Carissa: OMG, that is so hilarious!!! Yeah, I don't even want to know what kind of pics old boyfriends or classmates have of me. I'm horrified to even think about it. Luckily it was the days before the internet and digital photos so hopefully they're in a dump somewhere!!
Steamy: I will do anything you say Steamy-pants. :)
Jen: So true. Major lesson learned! And yes, acupuncture and margaritas are a dynamic duo!
Note to self: Never, ever ever hand off cell phone and walk away.