Week of Ridiculi, continued...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at 12:00AM To proceed with the ridiculi, allow me to take you to an enchanted place called Yogurtland. It's a store of frozen yogurt and toppings unsurpassed by any ordinary fro-yo shop. It's run by magical people called Koreans who provide 30 different orgasmic flavors and sobering lighting. And the best part? It's self-serve.
That’s right, if you want a pinch of pineapple and a dollup of cookies and crème with a squirt of boysenberry and a swirl of butterscotch and vanilla, go for it. Anything you want, however little or however much. And whatever combination of toppings you could imagine.
Yeah babyIt’s a place where all of your frozen yogurt fantasies come true. It’s the Mecca.
Which is precisely why my homie JE and I must go there often. It’s not so much a desire, but a necessity to continue living. And the only thing that could make Yogurtland better, is sharing a joint in the car beforehand. When you’re stoney baloney and in Yogurtland, dreams come true. The impossible is possible. Nothing can go wrong.
Unless.
You bump into a midget.
Then all of a sudden you’re in 7th grade and you’re sitting in Mr. Peto’s social studies class and his zipper’s down (again). You and your best friend are struck by the most utterly consuming case of the giggles. Tears are rolling down your cheeks. You’re trying to swallow your hysteria, but you cannot breath; you cannot move; and for the love of god you certainly cannot look up. If he catches you laughing at him you will most assuredly get detention (again).
It was that same feeling in Yogurtland. Except this time if our utterly consuming case of the giggles was discovered, we would piss off a midget, which is decidedly worse than getting detention.
Before I was aware of the midge, JE spotted him. He then says to me, “Do NOT turn around. You won’t be able to handle yourself.”
Very true; he knows me well. I’ve always been an inappropriate laugher. And I have a riddled past with midgets. I spent my youth being absolutely terrified of them. It was absurd, like most fears. It's a ridiculous feeling being afraid of someone while simultaneously feeling guilty about being afraid of them. And to top that, when I get scared, I laugh.
Yeah, notso good.
So back to JE’s deathly serious tone. I knew that whatever stood behind me in Yogurtland must be something severe.
Could it be a dog in a tuxedo?
A lifesize Teletubbie?
A mirror? Oh zing!
But the truth is, in our altered states, anything could cause a severe giggle attack.
When I finally HAD to turn around (I really needed some Dutch Chocolate), discovering mr. midge was more than my pea brain could handle. There was just so much build-up. So I did what any good stoner would do, shoved an entire cup of frozen yogurt in my mouth to block any possibility of laughter. Wasn’t exactly the savor-every-bite experience I was looking for, but at least I didn’t act like a total a-hole.
The best part is, I bet mr. midge laughed about the stupid stoner girl eating all of her fro-yo in one, hippopotamus gulp. Kharma comin' full circle baby.
And with no segue, my final bit of ridiculi for the moment. A little blurb I like to call, “my weekly crappy celeb sightings,” OR “who gives a shit.”
At work, D.W. Moffet (who plays Joe McCoy on Friday Night Lights) and Kiernan Shipka (who plays Sally Draper on Mad Men). How can you tell when you’re a tool? When you’re star struck over an eleven year old. Yep, that was me. Tool-bag.
At a party, Angela from The Office and Malcolm-Jamal Warner. God I used to love me some Theo Huxtable.
On a hike, for all of you Bravo fans, I saw Ryan from Flipping Out and from Millionaire Matchmaker that douchecanoe director Rupert.
And on a sailboat in the marina, we met the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World guy. Yeah, I couldn’t even make that up. Classic.
And do you remember Mr. Titty Man? The almost nude he/she biker? Well, my homie BB pointed out that Perez Hilton has now seen him too, here. While Perez's photos are far better, I'd just like to say, I saw him first. And I love you, Mr. Titty Man.
And perhaps the coolest sighting: Fairfax Jesus Guy. Last week I had perhaps the greatest FJG sighting ever. I was in my car, stopped at a light, admiring a porch party. Some great hip hop beats were pounding, people with red party cups were packed onto the porch, drinking, dancing, hooting, hollering—just another Friday afternoon in West Hollywood. And then, all of a sudden the party guests are cheering and looking down below onto the sidewalk.
Who’s there? His holiness, FJG, shakin’ his ass, dancing to the beats. Alone, on the sidewalk, in his robes and sandals, getting his 50 Cent on. Unbelievable. He just keeps getting better and better.
I hope you have some ridiculi in your week.
Reader Comments (27)
Oh, good God - I really need to come to LA. I need to go with you to Yogurtland while stoned. I have the most hilarious mental picture of you, jamming spoonfuls of fro-yo into your face while trying not to look at the midge. I keep
snortinggiggling.I was so excited about reading...frozen yogurt.....then I read Midget. Had to stop. Sorry.
That bowl looks disgusting. But I'm extraordinarily jealous of Yogourtland as a whole. Self-serve frozen yogourt with toppings? I would never leave.
Ok, ever since you and JE introduced me to Yogurtland last year when I was preggers, I have thought about it often. Why the hell did that open AFTER I moved away? How many times did we want some good Fro-Yo? I want to open my own Yogurtland out here. It's not fair that you get the mecca of all yumminess in the world. Sigh.
And regarding the midge.....GROW UP, I mean, really Buffy, HOW OLD ARE YOU?!!!! hehehehe. If I had seen a midge there, I think I would have felt obligated to lift him up to each of the fro-yo machines so he could experience every flavor. Would that be wrong? What would you do if one day you saw FJG with a midge version of himself walking next to him?
You got Yogurtland AND FJG, and all we got are antidepresents? Mom said life wasn't fair, but c'mon...
I think week of AWESOMENESS would be a better title. Fro-yo, midget, celeb sightings and FJG?! You are truly living in the City of Angels. I need to get my visit on!
Elise: YES YOU DO!!!
Jules: Oooookay...
Jen O: Doesn't though?! Haha. I found that pic online and what's hilarious about it, is that it looks so nasty, but when it's yours, you're in heaven, ha!
Boober: I know! WTF took them so long to build this wonderland?! I totally forgot how we could never find a good fro-yo place! Weeeeird! And the Yogurtland peeps nailed it too cuz it's always freaking packed and it's open till 1 am. Dude. You need to come back to LaLa!
Zoots: It's totally not fair!! Come to LA Zoots!!
C Ros: Um, yes you do!!! Guuurl, you know I gots me a spare bedroom!
God those photos! Ammmmazing!
I love that one of your tags is stoner food, haha! And if I saw that giant teletubbie comin at me I'd freak out! Ahhhh!
Ridiculi fo' so!! I'm still laughing at the dog in a tuxedo!!
I am star struck at YOU miss B. I mean you have the coolest life ever. Fro-yo and FJG and celebrities and.....I have snow, spreadsheets and acrylic paint under my fingernails. Kill me.
Stoner! :)
Jenny12: Haaaa!
Ronny: Oh man, I'd run my ass off if that thing was anywhere in eye sight!
Caroline: Isn't that dog ridiculously cute?! And just ridiculous too. Can you imagine Snoots in a prom dress? haha!
Veggie: Honestly, your snow and acrylic paint sound divine (maybe not the spreadsheets, haha). Well, and the fact that you're awesomeness in its purest form. :)
Smoking a J in the car before anything generally makes whatever it is better right? Ha! And I cannot believe Titty Man made it to Perez! You totally saw him first though. :)
no pix of fjg getting jiggy? where are you paparazzi instincts?
I get the giggles when I'm in pain. My doctors think that's funny.
Of all the amazingly insane parts of that piece, I still cannot believe you met the Most Interesting Man in the World!!!!!!!!! hahahahaha His personality is so magnetic he's unable to carry credit cards, for god's sake!!
BenBen: SO true!
Craig: I know! Total HHH fail. I tried though! But the light turned green and pissing off Angelinos in traffic is no bueno. Such a lost moment. :(
KM: What?! That is funny! Do you cry when you're getting a massage? :)
Rye: Hahahaha! Can you believe it?! And he lives on a sailboat! WTF? Seriously, he's the most interesting man in the world. Without a doubt.
All I can think is ice cream headache! Ice cream headache! Impressively quick thinking though for being stoned. I would've tried to pull off the "oh I was laughing at something else. totally something else, dude."
Buffy I love you!! You just made my mouth cum talking of all this yogurt. And pot. Oh the gloriousness that is life. I want to see this Fairfax Jesus in person. It is now one of my life goals. And also, I'm afraid of midgets too. I laugh. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I also have a vivid memory of being like 13 and walking into a lady footlocker, and this african american dude (not being racist) with a ton of freckles and a effed up grill approached me and I couldn't stop laughing to his face, at his face. I'm going to hell!
Colby: Total ice-cream headache!!! And get this, it was so cold on my tongue that it freaking blistered! Can you believe that?! I didn't even know it was possible! Guess that's what happens when you binge eat something that's frozen. Doh.
Carisa: Omg, you're afraid of them too?! I always thought I was alone in this---no more!!! Yay!! And holee shit, that story is hilarious! I know what you mean though, sometimes you just can't help it! Biology takes over! And I'm sure someone's laughed at my face before!
I'm with Colby. My head pounds just thinking about it. It probably felt like you had a midget in your skull wearing soccer cleats and dancing the macarena.
i have no idea what she's talking about. i would never laugh at a midget. or smoke pot. or go to yogurtland. as far as i remember.
Elly: Your description could not be more accurate. Genius.
JE: Oh reeeeeeeaaaaaaally.
holy shit....i have tears of laughter streaming....you two + midg + fro yo+ wacky green = combo for disaster and hysteria.