McDonald's, You Dirty Slut - Part Deux
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 12:00AM You should read Part One before going any further. C’mon, it will make you live longer.
So I was at the nerd hermanos’ house and angels broke out of the clouds, playing their harps and unicorns jumped through rainbows, aka, Mama Nerdlinger just told us she was going to McDonald’s. I was going to knock off another two firsts: fast food and meat, oh joyous day.
But one liiiiiiiiittle step I didn’t anticipate: ordering. For the love. At 7 years old I knew more about Russian marital rights than I did about the McDonald’s menu.
And then Mama Nerdlinger acts all polite and shit and asks me what I want first. There would be no, “Oh, I’ll just have what he’s having.” Nope, yet again, my ignorance is about to dance around the room naked. Sunuffabetch.
Okay, gather yourself, Buffy. You can do this.
Running through my head was anything that I knew about meat, anything at all. I have two uncles who are meatatarians. They’re hunters, Republicans, wear handlebar mustaches, and are tough as shit. I aspired to smoke a cigar, drink whiskey and eat a steak with them (but not talk about politics). And what I could remember about them eating hamburgers was:
“Medium rare please,” I said confidently.
“Excuse me?” Mrs. Nerdlinger looked at me as if I just spoke in tongues. The nerd hermanos did a double-take. Oh crap.
I tried again. “I’ll take a ham-bur-ger please. Medium Rare please.”
Oh the laughter. Oh it was the funniest thing that has ever been uttered on the face of the planet. Oh the tears that squirted out of their nerdy eyes. Oh the shame I felt, the shame! How will I ever recover?!
I started laughing with them, of course. Big belly laughs, hahahaha! Wasn’t that funny?! Aren’t I HI-LAR-I-OUS?!
Once we had all calmed down, Mrs. Nerdlinger tries again, wiping the water from her cheeks.
“That was a good one, Buffy. Okay, so you want a burger?”
“Mmhm. Thank you.”
“Any fries?”
“Okay?”
“Anything to drink?
Sweet Jesus, don’t do this to me.
“Water’s fine,” I figured water had to be safe.
“Well aren’t you good.”
“Mmhm.”
The brothers ordered things called “chicken McNuggets” and “Happy Meals.” I could only imagine what those glorious items were. We waited at their house while she went to retrieve our meals. The wait seemed interminable. Fast food didn’t appear to be very fast. I couldn’t even focus on Mario.
WHERE IS MY GODDAMN HAMBURGER ALREADY?!
When after a fortnight she returned home with our meals, I unwrapped that waxy paper as though my speed would save Princess Toadstool. And there it sat, a bun. I opened it up to see the glory of its insides. There lay one gray paddy covered in a squirt of ketchup and two pickle chips.
Unimpressive to say the least.
The flavor was slightly better than its appearance—I really could never get enough white bread in me. But meat? Not so much. I couldn’t get over how chewy it was. It reminded me of a beefy Now N Later.
Ohh, side project, meat flavored candy. Chicken Bubble Yum, Pork Vines and Tuna Tootsies. Right? Who’s with me?
Anylard, the disappointment in that burger matched my disappointment in Coke Slurpees. But unlike 7-11, I wasn’t really interested in having anything else from McDonald’s. McDonald’s took my meat virginity and didn’t even bother going down on me afterwards. For that, I never forgave it.
Reader Comments (25)
You should have gone for a vanilla shake or something.......
If you had've had a hangover, the hamburger would have been the best thing you had ever eaten, guaranteed. You were watching gang-bangs at seven, but not yet drinking? Weird. Anyway, the thought of Tuna-flavoured anything made me throw up in my mouth!
i love these stories! and meat candy . . . gross!
Beefy Now N Later. mmmmm VOM. I was a weird kid because I preferred the Fish Fillet sandwich at Mickey D's. I loooved them. So much that about 3 years ago after a tradeshow I worked and there was nothing else around driving home, I stopped through a drive thru, ordered a Fish Fillet meal, ate it happily, got home, worked out to burn that calorie mess off. Then about an hour after I worked out I started to feel sick and ran to the bathroom I then had food poisoning for the next 4 days. Way to fizzle out my childhood love.
I've been in suspense since Monday!! McPukes always seems to be disappointing.
I feel your pain Buffster, I do. When I was a teen and still ate meat, I remember being disappointed in burgers. I like the IDEA of them much more than the actual item itself. I'm not a beef person at all. If I end up in Micky Ds with friends or something I get some fries (yum, they make good fries)! and a Coke Zero and ignore the burgers. Icky things.
I do love me an egg McMuffin or McGriddle though. Hell yes. Medium rare of course. :)
My 9 year old self is soooo jealous that you got to look at real porn. I could only hold the tv dial between channels 1 and 2 to see a fuzzy woman doing something that kind of looked like sex but was probably just dancing. Hottttt.
P.S. I secretly love McDonald's hamburgers. But publicly I'm all "Blech, gross! They taste like rubber!". See? Now we're best friends because I told you a secret. Now you tell me one. *chin in hands*
Jules: If I had only known such things existed!
Elise: Soooo true. And you're totally right, I'm so surprised that porn preceeded booze in my life. Odd.
Claire: Yayay!
McBoober: No way!!! Yeah, how nasty must the fish be that McDonald's uses? Oh god, I can't even think about it.
KM: McPukes, hahaha! Brill.
Veggie: Mmm fries, mmm. Is 8am too early for fries? And I have a new Coke Zero love. I really don't need anymore soda obsessions, but it's delicious! Does McDonald's sell it?? Oh no, might be a reason to go back...
Miss Yvonne: Haha! Oh boy, secret time...okay...I have a pretty big obsession with boxes (not the lady kind). If I get something in the mail and it was shipped in a cardboard box, you can bet I'm keeping the box. Our garage has a mill empty cardboard boxes. You just never know when you're going to need one!! Eww, I'm weird.
Holy moly, that Ronald picture is going to give me nightmares!
I think pork vines would fly in Mexico.
So not cool to not go down on you afterwards! Typical McDonalds.
Jeff B: It totally is. And don't you be calling me at 2am.
Ronny: Good call.
Jenny12: So typical right! McDonald's is such a playa.
Those pickle chips are always so damn disappointing too. They're mushy, ick!
I'm pretty much on the same page with you on everything you've ever said... but not the meat candy. I liked nasty burgers when I was young, but I can't even think about it now. Your description of the meat patty nearly made me vom. But um... their soft serve ice cream? If that shiz was smeared all over Rosie O' Donnel I might still think about licking it off. Or not. No... I prob would.
Yeah, chicken nuggets w/ a extra sweet n sour sauce was always my order.....you know something light.
McDonalds can burn to the ground with that hamburgler, the fat purple asshole, and the satan clown all trapped inside as far as Im concerned. Ill be brief because my time is important, but many moons ago, I hit a McD drive threw and got myself a pair of McDs double chee's - you know the ones that taste like a fatty greasy mound of heaven in your mouth. Not 3 hours later, driving down the freeway I projectile vomit all over my self and my car. I use the to go McD bag for as long as I can until it is full of puke, then Im forced to pull over on the freeway, fall to my knees and puke out more Satan juice. Climing back into the car covered in McPuke, tears and freeway dirt, I drive myself to the hospital, where Im skewered with an IV for severe dehydration brought about by food poisoning.
After this journey to McHellfire-in-my-guts, I take my 300 dollar hospital bill to McEvil and say "Fuck you, pay me." They said I couldnt prove it was their McAssburgers which cause the sickness, so no they would not be paying my hospital bill.
Some 9-10 odd years later Ive never purchased another product from Satan Clown and Mayor McFuckball, and vowed to spread this story to all. Just so you know, no matter how loyal a customer you are to the clown, in the end he will shove your happy meal, toy included straight into your bum! Every time.
Good night.
My parents raised me on fiber and broccoli and trout, but they bribed me to take computer classes using the promise of chicken mcnuggets. There were VEINS in those fucking nuggets, and I ate them anyway. Yes sir. Mmmm veins.
Hilarious. Great writing. Very vivid. :) I want part 3
So.....Buff.....What in the Holy Hell would have made you think that a McDonald's Hamburger actually would have had any MEAT in it? Even at the age of 7, having grown up (to that point) in Floris-town? ESPECIALLY because you came from that environment.....I'd imagine there were lotsa serious hipster brainwashing discussions from the parents about the evils of all that shit. And you know what? They were right.
I mean, jayzuztapdancinchrist-aweepinonthecross, Buff.....McDonalds has always gotten that stuff they serve from the sewers of Tokyo and/or the killing fields of Cambodia. As long as I've been alive, they've always had contracts with the yakuza and Pohl Pot Regime (respectively) to collect it fortnightly, ship it off to the US, and culture it with various bacterial/fungal treatments until it gets that chewy, gristly taste/texture to it, sterilize it by dipping it in radioactive waste from the chernobyl incident and the scrap piles of Hiroshima, and off it goes to Mr Franchise owner. Hoooray.
Mmmmmm-Mmmmmm, Mom, it couldn't get any tastier than THAT!!!
Stick with the Venison that the handlebar mustachio'd uncles bring home.....it's alot better for ya. Puts Hair on yer upper lip, just like them. And thats just what ye need, lass.
Sara F: SO disappointing.
Carissa: Oh yes!!! The soft serve is the SHIT!!! I'd eat it off of anything. And I'm talking ANYTHING. ;)
Caroline: Haha! You know, something light, genius!
Hampty: Bravo! Great venting monologue! Loved ever barfolicious moment of it! Oh, but sorry you had to have that experience, but it's a terrific story.
Steamy: I'm totally bribing my unborn children with veiny chicken mcnuggets. You're parents are brilliant.
Kneebucks: Aw, thanks Buckler!
Rosamond: Not to be a nut buster, but I was only born in Floriston, didn't grow up there. :) And on the commune there was no such talk of anything evil or grotesque! Just happy, peace and love man! :) Your description of McDonald's is classic. One for the record books. I wish you could do their PR, but I guess that wouldn't work out. Too bad. You're awesome. :)
it didn't go down on you but i'm sure it came rushing out of you.
JE: Out of my vagina?! Ewwwww.
Just FYI they already have meat candy. I bought the Hubs bacon flavored mints for x-mas. Yes I know that's a weird gift but I'm weird. I could never stomach Mickey D's hamburgers and In and Out's taste funny too. I'm a whopper girl. The Whopper has never left me unsatisfied. He even spoons with my thighs afterwards.
Toe: HAHA!!! Spoons with your thighs is friggin classic!