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    Monday
    Apr052010

    How Come Cats Don't Fart?

    I was raised with (by?) cats and never once can I recall a cat farting. I’ve lived with a dog for the past two years and I’ve witnessed more dog farts than my own mood swings.

    Lately I’ve been wondering if I have adult-onset ADHD, minus the HD. I can’t seem to focus on one thing. I blame it on Facebook. And Twatter. And the internez. Oh and Bravo. Well and of course work.

    What was I talking about? Right. So such is why I couldn't form a complete post today, but instead present you with a splattering of thoughts and questions that my brain has pooped out over the past while. You may need a cocktail after reading this. Or prescription meds. I apologize in advance.  

    *****

    I’m pretty sure these new jeans are what’s going to make me happy.

    ***

    When people use seasons as verbs I know we’ll never truly understand each other.

    ***

    I just had to use a fork to scoop my dog’s wet food. I’m not sure why, but it was exponentially more disgusting than using a spoon.

    ***

    Everything Timothy Olyphant says sounds like a voice over.

    I am pissed, but goddamnit I am hot.

    ***

    The Hawaiian language is hilarious to me and my whiteness. It’s like the Hawaiians showed up late to the alphabet auction and the Germans took all the consonants.

    ***

    Where are the seeds of pineapples and coconuts?

    Didn't intend for this coconut to be life size. Alright technology, you win this time.***

    Work and partying — two things I want no evidence of the next morning.

    ***

    Babies are dumb. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet, so technically, they are actually dumb.

    ***

    What, we can't "spring forward" on oh say a Monday at 3pm? Thanks forefathers, thanks.

    ***

    I like watching Asians take pictures of their food at restaurants. Unless I'm waiting on them, and then I'd like them to hurry the fuck up and eat already.

    ***

    When I tell myself, "you don’t need to write it down; you’ll remember." I am wrong 100% of the time.

    ***

    There’s not much better in life than sitting with your back to a fire.

    ***

    Fro-yo. I want you.

    ***

    Khloe Kardashian's baby talk makes me want to Slap-Chop my ears.

    ***

    Beverly Hills smells like self-loathing. No, really, it does.

    ***

    I'm incapable of remembering to bring my reusable grocery bags into the store.

    ***

    While walking down the street, a guy in a Maserati yelled "beautiful" at me. I blushed and then realized it was directed towards my dog.

    ***

    If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, Pete Carroll has remarkable hair.

     

    ***

    Just incase I didn't already want to rip out my ovaries, I just went to Target on the weekend.

    ***

    I have an infatuation with pamphlets. I just do.

    ***

    American Girl Place gives me the kind of creeps that only a store full of expensive dolls can give a person.

    ***

    While I’m trying to read, a random guy sitting next to me is going on and on about how his daughter thinks he's annoying... Gonna have to agree with the 11 yr old on this one.

    ***

    Did I really just see a headline on Yahoo's homepage, "How to eat chicken wings faster and easier,"?? Wow. Sleep easier now people.

    *****

     

    Alright, now that you've lost all the respect for me that you never had, thank you for tolerating my scatterpoop of a brain. I hope to form complete thoughts again soon, right after I update my Facebook status.  

     

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    Reader Comments (30)

    1. Wow. Just wow. That's a lot of thoughts for a Monday morning.

    2. ANYBODY who baby talks and isn't a baby.......yeah.

    3. Thanks for the Pete pic! Yum.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJules

    Dude, I can tell you from experience that cats do in fact fart. And when they do they're generally silent but deadly. Less frequent than dogs, sure, but man they make up for it when they do. At least mine did.

    Sitting with your back to a fire eating a fro-yo would be perfect. You'd have to eat it fast though. Obviously. Or you'd be drinking it. :)

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVegetable Assassin

    I never thought about the pineapple/coconut seeds, but now I must know!!! Where are they?!

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterronny

    Jules: You're right, my brain is mushy mush on Mondays (well and every other day of the week lately). And the baby talk thing is SO gross!

    Veggie: They DO?! Wow, so glad that my cat's were gas-less, but I'm really making up for lost time now with Snoots N Toots. Oh and fro-yo plus fire equals heaven!!

    Ronny: I know right? It drives me crazy. Yet I refuse to google it.

    April 5, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    NEVER go to Target on the weekend!!!!!! I live by that rule.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara

    You could run for public office on the 'spring forward Monday at 3' platform and win. Any office, so chose wisely.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZoots

    I like random thought Monday, it makes me feel close....ahhhh :)

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMama-b

    Sara: Oh so true. That is now one of my mantras.

    Zoots: WOWZA! New career path!! I shall be pondering... Perhaps I'll create my own office! And my duties will consist of making weekends longer and work days shorter. Oh, and new cocktails of course. :)

    Mama-B: Awww, yay! Can't wait for June. :)

    April 5, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    I've always thought that about Timothy Olyphant. Love him in Deadwood, but that's about it.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBenBen

    please don't ever write "splatter" and "poop" in the same sentence again. i'll need a smoozey or 2 to clear that image ...

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercraig

    Dear Jack Handy, take your "Deep Thoughts" and shove them because we have Buffy now and don't need or want you anymore.

    You are hilarious Buff! Thanks for making my manic mundane morose Mondays a little brighter.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterC Ros

    BenBen: So true, in Deadwood it worked, not much else.

    Craig: Apologies, haha! You absolutely need a smoothie or four. As do I, always.

    C Ros: Haha, yay!! Thank YOU for always making me happy and brightening all the dark crevices of my heart. :)

    April 5, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Oh good! The random leaking brain thing today isn't just me! Well, I suppose that's not good for you but you know what I mean. Also - cat's TOTALLY fart. It's like rotten fish and fecal matter all rolled into one delicious olfactory explosion.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElly Lou

    You forgot.... GLITTER.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMeggs

    I'm Summering in my one-bedroom apt this year, which is just happens to be the place I just got done Wintering.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterje

    Elly: Oh god, your descrip of a cat far is truly priceless. I feel as though now I've experienced them for my entire life. Thank you for that. ;)

    Meggs: Aww shit! That's right! Glitter happens. I'm trademarking that shit.

    JE: See, I just knew I'd never truly understand you. ;)

    April 5, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    LOL LOVE ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

    LOL. My favs are Asians taking photos of their food. (know that one well), the slap chop comment, and forgetting the grocery bags in your car...

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkneebucks

    HAHAHA I love this!!! I am also quite AD...

    What was I saying?

    Oh but I have the HD too,... and I've had it all along.

    Babies are dumb. I like that. And it's true on so many levels. I've also often pondered the whereabouts of seeds in coconuts and pineapples. I mean, how the fuck do they procreate without any seeds?

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercarissa

    Kneebucks: I know you know that one! Oh boy, do we know that...too well right?

    Carissa: Seriously! How do they procreate?! I just don't understand. I really don't. Can someone please answer this question?!

    April 5, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Oh, I just love this. You've inspired me. I have random thoughts all the time, think they're brilliant, realize they're probably not, want to blog them, but fear stops me. Well, I fear no more. And you are right on so many counts -- esp. Target on a Sunday being amazingly effective birth control. (Along with the McDonald's across from the Chicago Xmas tree from 10/31-12/31 each year.) Oh, and this economy that is supposedly tanking? Yeah, right, as soon as I don't have to fight my way through the widest aisle in my brand-new target, I'll believe it.

    April 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteretiquette bitch

    E.B.: HAA! So true! Target is apparently unaffected by the economy because that place is always puking up masses of people. Hell. And dude, totally write down your randomness! I can't wait to read it!

    April 6, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    my cats fart. want them?

    April 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterclairemontgomerymd

    Claire: Oh so tempting! But no, there's enough gas in this house.

    April 6, 2010 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    This was brilliant. I particularly love the Slap Chop bit. FYI, my cats fart. However, one fetches and the other drools. Together, they are a dog.

    I am concerned that if I fall off the turnip truck and spring back to life, then you and I won't understand each other. Hey ... there's a light switch on that wall. I never noticed that before. What was I saying?

    April 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessica O

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