Beer Tastes Like a Job Well Done
Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 11:45PM You might think lesser of me after you read this. I accept that. A month ago I would’ve thought lesser of myself. But I’m coming to terms with my newly dorkified persona.
As you know (because I won’t shut up about it), I’m taking three months of sobriety. Not because I was court ordered or because I want to (good gawd NO!), but because the wizard told me so. I make it a habit not to argue with those who have magical powers.
During this time period I’ve been struggling with not having a vice. Okay, so that was too broad of a stroke. Let me try this again, I’ve been struggling with having one of my favorite vices taken away. I still have gum, Bravo and weed (after all, I am a patient. It is my medicine. Welcome to Cali bitches, medicinal marijuana—BOOYOW.) But there’s just something so satisfying about booze.
What has really surprised me is how much I miss beer. And I’m not someone who typically drinks a lot of beer. But what I’ve realized is that nothing tastes more like a job well done than a cold beer.
And then it happened. The seas parted, angels did cartwheels and my barback handed me a Buckler. What is that you ask? You’ve never heard of such a thing? Okay, here we go, take a deep breath…it’s a non-alcoholic beer. I KNOW. Shut the front door. This is when your opinion of me starts to plummet.
Before the judgment storm begins though, let me plead my case—I’m a woman in need for fuck’s sake! A bartender with no booze is like Halloween without hiding from children. Before now, like all of you, I wouldn’t have drank a NA beer for $20. Welllllll, wrong. I wouldn’t have drank a NA beer in public for $20. At home I probably would’ve drank one for a burrito, or half a burrito. But desperate times…
And this is when my story gets even more pathetic. When I really want a beer is after work, to wind down. So one night, the vice munchkin who lives in my head and reminds me of all the wickedly delicious things I should be doing, whispers in my ear and tells me to “borrow” a Buckler from work and drive home while drinking it. Finally, something naughty to do during sobriety. (Like any good 13 year old, if I don’t have my weekly allotment of naughtiness, I go kuh-razy.)
Step one, “borrowing the Buckler” is a piece of cake. What can I say, I’m a pro. Step two, once in my car “opening the Buckler” momentarily fouled me up the first time.
“Oh crap, how the hell am I going to open the bottle?” followed by a sinking feeling. “I knew I should’ve learned how to do it with my teeth!”
I’m in a mad panic, digging every compartment of my car, praying I’ve stashed an opener somewhere. I’m like a pill-popping fiend who’s realized she forgot to fill her prescription and is ready to crush skulls. Luckily to my delight (and curiosity) I had three openers hidden in my car. What-the? I swear this is the first time I’ve done this.
Off comes the lid, and buzz turns on the engine (I have a Prius, it really does buzz). As I start to “drink” and drive, I feel good. Really damn good. And I start to wonder, is this illegal? Because that would make it even better. Minors can’t buy NA beer because they have like .05% alcohol in them. (But I have yet to get a buzz from them. And yes, I’ve tried, by shotgunning a 6 pack—don’t hate.)
Kombucha has more alcohol than NA beer and it’s not illegal to drive while drinking a kombucha, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to drink a NA beer while driving. One of those ass-backwards laws made up by Puritans. But sweet Jesus, if it is legal, please don’t tell me. I’m really enjoying believing that I’m being reckless. There’s only so much clean living this girl can do before she needs to break some rules.
It really looks like I’m drinking a real beer and driving, but since it isn’t a real beer, it’s exponentially more cool. Because drinking and driving is no bueno, but drinking a Buckler and driving is almost pretty awesome. Almost. Right? Come on, give me somethin’.
And then I start to realize, I could seriously get pulled over for this, just because of what it looks like. And then I’m even more excited by the situation. Not that I want to get pulled over because the LAPD would probably give me a beating just for wearing the wrong bra size, but still, the thrill is intoxicating.
And there it is. My long lost friend, intoxication. Welcome home baby, I’ve missed you.
Reader Comments (17)
Noooooooo....turn away from the light Carolanne!!
The light=NA Beer
Carolanne=You.
Ahhhh HHH....desperate times I guess. Right?
:)
Love always reading what you right.
You have awesome kuh-razy hair. I love it.
I've substitued the words "non-alcoholic" with "alcoholic" in this story and I think you're freaking hardcore!
I really hope you smoked up a storm to make up for this NA malarkey.
That's just funny! And if you get pulled over, it'll be HYSTERICAL!
damn... the next thing you know you'll be eating a pack of those mushy Smart Dogs and telling yourself how much you love a frankfurter. Where's it gonna end blondie? Where's it gonna end?
"...NEVER argue with someone who has magical powers..."? I'll be calling you on that one.
ME TOO!
You're freaking hilarious!
Rambler: Haha! And yes, totally desperate times!! Waahh!
Elise: Thankeeee!! And oh yeah, I totally have been making up for it with my "medicine." :)
Jules: Wouldn't that be a story to tell! Hilarious!
Lost: Completely. I think I'm a goner.
Mama-B and Kneebucks: Keep me to it!
Jenny: Thankee! :)
Okay. First of all, there is something priceless and lovely about the "end of the day" beer. It's so satisfying and it really is specific to a cold beer.
Second, there were a couple nights when I just wasn't drinking, but I wanted that beer taste, so I rocked an NA. On one of those occasions Buckler was the only choice and I gotta say, I really enjoyed it. Also, it looks a lot more like a regular beer so you don't have to necessarily pour it in a glass. Pathetic that I would be embarrassed to drink an NA but . . . well, obviously you know what I'm talking about.
I'll be having a couple Sierra Nevadas tonight but cheers to you and your Buckler.
Great writing as usual HHH.
Tim
Buffy, you are truly the coolest cat of them all!
This story was hysterical!
Tim: Exactly! That end of the day beer is the best! You just feel like you've earned it and have done something good. And YAY, you're on my team with the Bucklers! Thanks, Tim!!
Eddie: Garsh, thank you, Eddie! I'm sure you really think I'm the dorkiest dork of them all, but I appreciate the compliment nonetheless! :)
Good stuff Buff!! You are so funny girl!! And yes I've known many people start their "slip" with NA beer, mouthwash, I'm sure Kombucha too. Our minds or as the Buddha calls it "Mara" is always seeking pleasure or trying to avoid pain... hence our suffering begins!! Vices suck ass.. but until I reach enlightenment.. in like a million more life times... I will have to be content with slaying them one by one, and finding pleasure in detachment and present time awareness!! Can you tell I've been reading Buddha books on our trip... HA :) xxoo LUVS
mmm . . . you made me want a beer. and to hurl the bottle at the kids outside. oops, did i type that out loud? i hate children. again with the typing tourette's. dammit! now about the medicinal marijuana . . . what ailment do i need to have in cali to obtain such a prescription?
Rebecca: Slaying dragons one by one indeed! Love you woman! L.A. misses you! :)
Claire: Oh PLEASE throw the bottle at those screaming kids!!! And seriously, any ailment will do--anxiety, depression, insomnia, cramps. You name it woman! Game on! :)
you look uber hot up in that picture.
stop yourself
Blunt: Meow, meow! Thankee! I'm the poster child for drinking and driving.
Let's drink to "getting fucked up!!" Mmmmm...sweet, sweet, sexy booze!