Teenagers Are Snobs
Monday, April 19, 2010 at 12:00AM Q: What are kids into these days?
A: I am officially old.
This question and answer session went through my head a few mornings ago when I was taking Snoots on a walk and came across the tell-tale sign of teenagers breaking curfew: empty beer cans on the sidewalk.
Sure, it might not have been teenagers, just regular old adult drunks. But the adult drunks I know are seasoned professionals and don’t tend to litter. Cuz after years of binge drinking, you don’t flaunt evidence of your boozeasarus tendencies.
And it wouldn’t have been homeless people, because all the homeless people I know collect cans and recycle them for cash. To the homeless, cans aren’t trash to leave about on the sidewalk, cans are cash.
And it wasn’t a garbage bag that broke open—the cans were neatly upright. A grandstand of drinking.
I smell teen spirit.
So clearly kids are still into sneaking booze, cool, glad things haven’t changed that much. But here’s what has evolved since my day of beer can flaunting: they were Sapporo cans.
That’s right, the premium Japanese beer Sapporo. What. The. Fuck.
You should have to be over 30 to buy this
What happened to the youth of today? Where did they get these highfalutin tastes? In my day, we were livin’ it up if we scored a 40 of Mickeys or OE, but we were more than satisfied with a 12er of Natty Ice or Keystone Light.
We’d drink our pissarhea and eat a few bean and cheese burritos from Taco Smell and that was a good goddamn Saturday night. But now, nooooooo, teens have to have their iTits and Twilight and Sapporo. Gimmeabreak.
I’m concerned for generation Snobama. When you start drinking Sapporo at 16, where do you go from there? By 20 you’ll have gone through all the Belgium beers and by 30 you’ll require a prostitute, an 8-ball, and a midget for an ordinary Saturday night. It’s exhausting to even think about.
Which is why I now only promote under age drinking if it’s the shittiest of shittastic booze. Gilbey’s vodka and box wine. Old Milwaukee and Banana Schnapps. Yaknow, regular old horse urine liquor. Something to give kids the most horrendepoop hangover possible. Where they wake up in a puddle of vomit and swear off drinking for their entire lives. Which lasts about a month until they do it again. But e-ven-tu-al-ly, they’ll learn this hard earned nugget of knowledge: quality, not quantity. Or, they’ll join AA. Either way, it’s a good scenario that cannot be achieved through drinking goddamn imported premium beer as a teenager. Fuckin’ snobs.
So kids, feel free to come over to my place when you hit the age of experimentation and rule breaking. I’ll have a 12er of Natty Ice, a puke bucket, a couch to crash on, and a slice of reality pie waiting for you.
People, it’s for the children. Consider it charity.
Yeah baby
Reader Comments (31)
Your charity work never ceases to amaze me, Buffy. You're an inspiration.
WTF? When did Boone's Farm get to be too good for them?
ah...fond memories of Ripple and Taco Bell.
Elise: It's about time someone recognized this. ;)
Jules: How could I forget Boones?! Aww, memories.
JD: Ripple and Taco Bell! That should be the name of a book!
Sapporo? That is the most ridiculous thing. Those kids need to get a reality check!
Mickeys! I've certainly had my time with Mickeys. Yuck, I'm queezy just thinking about it.
Fucking teenagers! I'm glad someone is looking out for today's youth. Good job Miss Charlet! You should have a teen program.
Jeff: Exactly. It's for their own good.
Rach: Right?! Blehk. I just got bloated and a headache thinking about it.
C Ros: Oooooh, good idea! I'll corral the youngens and introduce them to bad booze. Like, an outreach program. I like.
Am I the only person who didn't drink until I was 21?
Or good ole' Boone's Farm!! Fucking brats!
Good for you. Over entitled little teenage fucks. What happened to rites of passage like getting shit faced under a bridge on aftershave and turpentine? Huh?
Um...did I share too much? :) We drank Tennants Lager - a terrible beer in a big can that had pics of half naked ladies with 70s haircuts all over them. Of course, these had been in my dad's garden shed SINCE the 70s that might have had something to do with it... And their taste. Ewwwww.
Who knew you were such a philanthropist. Africa, here she comes...
Ah, Natty Light. I remember after about 8 of those, I'd have to pee, but once you "break the seal" you know you'll be peeing all night, so you try to hold it in as long as you can. Yeah, it was "breaking the seal" that makes you have to pee all night, not the 100 ounces of pisswater you just consumed in under 3 hours. College kids are so logical.
Jenny: Yes, yes you are.
Caroline: Booooones! I can't believe I forgot Boones!
Veggie: Oh man, I sooooooo want one of those cans! Sounds like collector's items!!
Kneebucks: I know right? Watch out world, here I come with bad booze.
Steamy: Breaking the seal! Haha! I completely forgot about that (in a blackout). We had such awesome logic.
Buff, Buff, Buff......
A) Sapporo is not "Premium Beer", I don't give a good goddamn what the label says. It's tacky rice beer, sensu Budweiser. Bleah.
B) As a teenager, I used to steal 100$ bottles of wine to take on climbing trips from OB's Board in Truckee, where I slaved as a busboy. and THAT was back in the Gold rush days...so obviously, teenagers (at least me and mine) had snooty taste back then, too. They were just slobs down in Reno, the place where poor little you were sentenced to your teenage-hood. Poor Buff.
C) I'd rant some more, but I hafta go.....I've a hot date this evening with a harem of prostitutes, a bottle of Heradura, a pair of siamese twin midgets wearing bikinis and doing something VERY unnatural to a herd of donkeys, and Sarah Palin's daughter. Hot damn.
WHAT? My mouth is hanging open. Sapporo? I was lucky if I got a strawberry hill boones. Or watered down tequila bc every time i snuck tequila from the liquor cabinet i poured water in it to hide what I'd done... Damn those kids seriously need a life lesson in... well everything!
So true! I remember drinking boxed wine and those awful cheap wine coolers. Do they even make those things anymore? You have to get drunk and horribly sick on the cheap bad stuff to know that going down that road is a mistake. Needing to actually work and make money so that someday you can afford such things as quality alcohol is a necessary evil. Having mommy and daddy provide it all for you only leads to entitlement issues and becoming an asshole. Oh, and a road littered with Sapporo beer cans.
Ah the college days of downing Boone's or mixing Sunkist soda with Malibu Rum and then going through the drive-thru at The Bell at 2AM and downing a 7-layer burrito. Sigh.
I think you need to introduce these youngins to the classics: Boone's Strawberry Hill, Peach Schnapps, Goldshlagger, Jack Daniel's wine coolers (the fruit punch and cactus cooler were my choices), and then the piss beers of my past were: Paps, Mickey's, good ol Bud Light, and a Corona.
I can't believe you forgot Boone's either. I think Lennon meant to sing "Strawberry Hill Forever."
You know what doesn't mix well? Manischewitz and Southern Comfort. Nothing worse than having purple manic panic and puke crusts stuck to your forehead while it's pounding harder than your downstairs neighbor at your door. Or so I'm told.
Rosamond: How was your hot date? Have you recovered? I think it would take me a lifetime to recover from that night! ;) And I would like a $100 bottle of wine right about now. :)
Carissa: Haha, the old water in the booze trick to match the line! If we ever have kids they'll never be able to get away with anything.
Jen: So TRUE! A pure recipe to become an asshole. Blehk! And wine coolers, yes! I totally forgot about those. I have a headache just remembering!
Boober: It's a wonder we weren't fat right?! How in the hell did we drink that shit and eat garbage at 2am? If I did that now I'd be a rolly polly hot mess. And that Sunkist and Malibu combo made me half puke just reading it, haha!
Elly: Oh sweet Jesus, SoCo. OUCH. SoCo has hit me and hit me hard. Along with pretty much every Schnapps, particularly peppermint in which one night I thought would be swell in hot chocolate...I woke up the next morning in a garage with a trash bag full of puke. Ahh, youth.
Carlo Rossi. Burgandy. Jug. And ice cubes, baby. I was classy then. I liked my Burgandy cold!
Colby: Cold burgandy, haha, YES! Hilar. Keepin it classy. :)
Well, BC, the Harem o' Prostitutes WAS pretty damned fun, and watching the siamese twins and the donkey was, um....."special"......
But Palin's daughter....WOOF.....what a boring rest o the night THAT was....
As for your 100$ jug o red....no frikkin way, kid. This hyear stolen WIne be MINE. Allfo'me, nonefo y'all.....