Fakesters
Monday, May 17, 2010 at 12:00AM I’ve had some strange encounters in the last week (what else is new?) and I think there must be a common thread. Maybe you can help me put the pieces together.
First, at my shoot a fellow actor started telling me about this BBC documentary called Real Dolls. Have you seen it? If not, put down your pastrami and youtube that shit. And don’t blame me for the queasy feeling afterwards.
Real Dolls are high-end sex dolls. The cheapest one you can get is $6,000. The cheapest.
The documentary follows a few guys who have completely substituted Real Dolls for real women in their lives. Their dolls are their wives, mistresses, and only friends. I guess he doesn’t have to worry about PMS mood swings or her drinking his last beer.
My perverted brain became fascinated with these dolls and found the Real Doll web site. (The site provides hours of entertainment while avoiding work and house chores.)
When choosing your own doll, you have many options. Here’s some snap shots from the site:
I’m going to go with Britney (she looks especially fuckable loveable, no?) with tanned skin, violet eyes and hmm…perhaps slate eye shadow. Yes, yes, I think that will look lovely with her skin tone.
It goes on to ask your choice in eyeliner width, nail length and color, mouth size and color and other perhaps more important features such as pubic hair style and color and if you would like the vagina to be permanent or removable…oh to have a removable vagina! The places it could go! The sites it could see!
Now incase you were wondering (I was) yes, they DO have male dolls. God Bless America. I have some qualms with the male dolls though, as will be evidenced below.
First of all, both types only come in 5’9”? Not to be rude to the averagely heighted man, but I’m paying close to $10,000 for this doll, I want him to be at least 6 feet tall, for the love of god. I want to be able to wear my heels around him and not shatter his silicon doll ego. Bullshit.
Also, why does the second guy’s dick swing right? Again, that’s cute in real life, but this is Real Dolls; I want a straight shooter.
And why in the hell does the darkest skin option only go to “Light African” – I’m not gonna get all MLK here, but really? I mean, really? If I’m getting a Real Doll, I sure as hell want dark chocolate as an option.
Furthermore, Michael, Nick and Nate? I’m sorry, but could we have a guy who doesn’t have more manicured brows than I do and look like he wants to borrow my nail polish?
And my final quandary about the male doll are the penis options. (Minors and family members, I apologize in advance for below.)
Whywhywhy. Flaccid and small? I might not choose the donkey size, but again, this is fantastyland people. Clearly these Real Dolls are made by real men. Sorry dudes, if there's choice involved, I ain’t choosin whatchya already got. I'm surprised they don't have balding and beer gut as an option.
Continuing down the site, for the particularly freaky out there, on either a male or female doll, you can opt to get elf ears…no comment. And if you just can’t decide if you want a male or a female doll, then why don’t you get the Shemale? Oh yes, they don’t discriminate (except against black people apparently).
As for any questions regarding your Real Doll, please refer to the FAQ section of the site. These are my particular favorite questions and answers:
I'm sorry, did I read that right, you can remove the face? Just eww. And you have to transport the doll via wheelchair? Wow, sexytime.
Yes, please do tell me more about the doll's "entries." And how convenient that the tongue can be removed. And incase you lose it, you can buy a replacement tongue for $100.
Honestly, my hips hurt just reading that one.
Aight, I’m all wiped out from choosing my new friends, but next time we’ll get into the other fakesters that rocked my boat this week. Hopefully together we can figure what the hell the universe is trying to tell me. Because so far all I’m getting out of this is a deep desire for elf ears.
Reader Comments (37)
Damn. Now I'm gonna be late for work..... And I'd go with Aimee.
Why would ANYONE want flaccid? What would you do with flaccid??? I'm gonna need ideas with that one.
Wow - that was a frightnening look into the sex toy world! and to think that my limited experience had previously only exposed me to the sex shops on Virginia Ave (thank you many drunken bachelorette parties). I am almost positive I never saw elf ears in there. And why stop at elf ears? that's so Lord of the Rings circa '02 - what about catching up with today's latest craze - give the dolls fangs and "see thru" as a skin tone or a wolf man suit. I cannot wait to read all about the other fakesters you've encountered!
yeah, urm, urg. i love your comments. i saw that documentary -- well, part of it -- on a trip some time. (no cable in the house.) Have you seen "Lars And the Real Girl"? This is pretty much what it's about, yet he never doinks her. BUT he does move her around on a wheelchair.
ps - your post made me instantly want to add "Real Dolls" to my netflix queue -- and gosh darn it, they don't have it. I typed in the title, and among the suggestions for me were "Dan in Real Life." I'm pretty sure Real Dolls isn't a Steve Carell family movie.
My guess on the 5'9" height limitation (from seeing LATRG) is any taller and either: a) they can't fit the guy in the shipping box, or b) ("why not make a bigger box?") he's more expensive/heavy to ship should he be taller than 5'9". I'm just sticking up for all Rubber-Americans.
Next they'll have real dolls that can masterbate after they tire of their owners.....
yer killin' me... real people can be so annoying and demanding. I'm waiting for the battery pack model wilth a switch allowing all parts to move on their own. I'll come home and never know where she'll be. Hopefully not in the bathtub ruining that fine circuitry.
This is the funniest thing I have ever read....
Wait, let me be the first to say, I too want a removable vigina! Does the guys whole package come off? Can I really be writing this?!
Jules: Oh yes, Aimee looks like such a peach. Nice choice.
Whit Freman: GOOD IDEA!!! Fangs and see thru skin, honestly, that sounds like a million dollar idea. That could be retirement -- can I come visit on your island?! And holy shit hilar about the sex shops on Virginia St. Ahh, the good old days.
E.B. YES! I loved Lars! And I know! Netflix doesn't have it, so annoying! You can watch it on youtube in 5 different chunks. Nice thinkin about the 5'9" limitation...still, we need some basketball players in there. :)
Douche Ball! That' my new favorite term. Agree with Etiquette Bitch - Lars and the Real Girl.
Boober: Ha! That would require a massive battery pack!
Real Dude: SO TRUE, real people just won't stop talking and having their own opinions, annoying! And oh yes, they mos def need to make dolls that can move on their own--perhaps remote control dolls?
Zoots: Aww, Zoots, you're the greatest. :)
Putweet: Yes I think the package does come off! Well, it's an option anyway. And who wouldn't want a removable package?! I wonder if it would fit in my purse?
WOW. I'm speechless. In the best kind of way.
Yeah, where's the dark chocolate?! That's crazy!
Do you think the insides of the elf ears are also ribbed for my pleasure? If I spend $10k on a doll, I want some extra orifices, damnit.
Kim M: Douche ball is amazing right? And I love me some Lars!
Foo Foo: :)
Rach: Absolutely insane right?
Elly: Hahahahahaaa!
I now have that feeling of queasiness, fascination and general discomfort. It's similar to how I feel after watching two back-to-back episodes of "Intervention".
Wow. Just...wow.
I'm fascinated and disturbed at the same time. And if I was very wealthy, I might be tempted to buy one as the ultimate gag gift.
Those guy faces are crazy. Who picked them out? Cojo?
Great Expectations should advertise on this website.
Yeah I've been fascinated with Real Dolls for ages. They're so hideous and creepy. I also saw that BBC documentary a few years ago - it was an eye opener for real. Like that one old guy who took his doll on outings to watch him hang gliding or whatever? WTF? And the one guy who was upset when he had to send his doll in for repairs because he'd miss her which begs the question, what sort of things is he doing to one of those things to damage it? Holy shit.... :)
Riff: Oh man "Intervention" is nuts. I find it interesting that "Intervention" is like crack to me. I need an intervention for me "Intervention" watching.
Alyson: They would be a PERFECT gag gift! Pun totally intended right? Oh if only we had gergillions of dollars.
Caroline: Haha!!
Veggie: Omg, yes! The hang gliding! Priceless! Eww, and repairs, ewww! Hideous and creepy is a perfect description.
They forget to mention how much they weigh...something you don't think about until you have to. We had one shipped to a show that I was working on Chicago...and this doll, I believe she was about 5'4ish...weighed about 120...which is quite heavy for 'dead' weight.
and no...I did not
the problem with the world today is that there are just too many choices! Think I'll pick up an extra shift or two at work.
Detachable Vagina is my confirmation name.
Ummm...did I miss the ordering instructions or did you just not post them?
Also, do they have a female doll without a mouth?
Cause I just can't take the chance of more bitching and nagging. And if its female and comes with a mouth, it's only a matter of time before that shit starts.
Just sayin.