Sizzle Tits
Sunday, October 18, 2009 at 11:45PM After quitting my job at Saddle Ranch, I went through jobs quicker than most 20 something urbanites go through sexual partners. Then one day, while signing a contract at my agency, my agent spotted my hands and started sending me out for hand-modeling auditions. This, I thought, was hilarious. I was excited to add it to my resume of ridiculousness.
This was my "Hand Shot." Don't laugh.
For a brief stint I became the Sizzler’s hand. Awe-inspiring isn’t it? Did you have any idea you were in the presence of such celebrity? Now I’ve had some demeaning jobs, oh have I had some demeaning jobs. Los Angeles really perfects degradation. But being the Sizzler’s hand was a whole new category of demeaning—they treated the shrimp I was handling light years better than they treated me, aka “The Hand.” And it was also the closest I’ve ever been to existing in an alternate universe.
On one commercial I had to dip a shrimp into cocktail sauce. That’s it. It was a 3 second shot. Simple enough right? REEEong. I dipped shrimp and got notes for NINE HOURS PEOPLE.
The advertising agency would tell me to accent the plumpness of the shrimp more. *#@&%@#* The producers would time each of my movements, which consisted of dip, quarter spin in sauce, and lift, and they would then nit-pick the length of time I spent on each. &%*&%$#* The cinematographer would bark at me to get more light on the shrimp while not causing the sauce to drip. @&$@#%& The director would tell me to make the motion of the dip more sexual...
Let me remind you that in the shot, you only saw my hand from the wrist down. And I was dipping a shrimp into cocktail sauce. I would give my best attempt at a sexy shrimp dip, but you know, there’s only so much a girl can do to sex-up some seafood.
The director would yell “Cut!” and say, “Hand [that was me], that was too sexy. I don’t want this thing being lewd. Think sensual, not pornographic.” Oh riiiiight, my bad. I guess I shouldn’t be giving the shrimp an HJ in the shot? What the?
And then doing my best sensual shrimp dip into cocktail sauce, he would once again scream “Cut!” shake his head and say, “Okay, pretend you’re in love with this shrimp for chrissakes. You love this fucking shrimp.”
No comment.
And then the producers would squabble about lighting and the ad agency would chirp that I was making the shrimp look too small. This lasted for nine hours. I got paid $100.
On my next Sizlicker commercial I squeezed a lemon over lobster for 17 HOURS. It’s almost incomprehensible. The peanut gallery wasn’t happy with how the lemon juice squirted out. Because, I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but I fired Mother Nature a while back and started creating all the world’s produce by hand. Yep, little ole me. So really, if a lemon isn’t juicy enough to drench a piece of lobster, it’s clearly my bad, as everyone on set pointed out.
The crew ended up rigging clear, plastic tubes into each of the lemons so that when I squeezed a lemon, a guy at the other end of the tube would be frantically squeezing water through the tube, so that it would squirt out the lemon in my hand. I’m surprised we didn’t get an Oscar for that shit people.
On hour 15 my hand cramping was getting unbearable and my patience was as foreign a piece of history as my embryonic sack. So I did what any good actress would do and started plotting on-set suicide. I thought I might be able to figure out how to electrocute myself with lemon juice and wires. Or perhaps jostling the camera rig out of position so it fell on my head. Anything would be less painful than listening to the peanut gallery “coach” me on my motivation to squeeze that motherfucking lemon all over that motherfucking lobster one more motherfucking time. As evidenced by me typing this, my oh-so-dramatic on-set suicide attempt was unsuccessful.
That was my last Sizdickler job. I told my agent that Siznutsacker can sensually, sexually and pornographically suck my balls.
I did still life hand modeling after that—photos of my hand opening a wine bottle, dispensing seasonings, displaying crystal, oh yes, I know, quite shee shee. That was tolerable because they didn’t give me acting notes like Sizbuttlicker and they treated me like a human being with hands, not a hand attached to a robot.
Yep, that's me.
But what really got to me was the lifestyle. Yes, I said it. The lifestyle of a hand model is absurd. You basically can’t do anything with your hands, ever. Any sort of cleaning is out of the question, which is cool if you can afford a maid. I could not. You can’t play sports, and you know me, at any moment I might find myself at a cutthroat dodgeball game. And do not even think about going outside without your hands covered—the sun will destroy your career. And you really should wear gloves when at all possible.
For anyone who doesn’t know me, well, I’m basically a dude with tits. So there’s a pretty brief window of how long I’m going to tolerate being forced to get frequent manicures, wearing gloves around and constantly being worried about chipping a nail or scratching my hand. I mean, I’d suffer through it if I was making a decent living or was stimulated by the work, but there are only so many new steak knives you can hold for a couple extra hundred bucks till you realize, it’s time to move on.
And move on is what I did. To become an assistant editor at Hustler Magazine.
Reader Comments (29)
You my dear are an absolute CELEBRITY and I didn't EVEN know it!!!
I loved this post!! I can't look at my local Sizzler now without thinking of you giving the shrimp a hand job. Or squeezing mothereffing lemon on the mothereffing lobster.
CRAZY. :)
Heart ya!!
You do have nice hands! I was always told I should be a hand model! I'm glad you've shown me the downsides to this before I move out west....
Will you squeeze my lemons? I mean, um........
Hahahahaha!! I'm sittig on a train right now laughing.. out loud!! I kinda remember mention of the hand modeling- but I can't believe I've never heard the whole story!!! Only in LA!! I have to say... those paws of yours are pretty sexy!!;)
Your hands do look really good in that shot!!
I like Sizzler. I hate your hands. How dare you degrade a place that serves cheesy toast.
Sizzassmuncher sucks! That wine bottle opener thingy looks like some kind of sex toy. I bet it was easier for your hands to make sweet sweet love to that thing.
Rambler: Haha! I totally permeated your brain with shrimp handjob images! Ahhh, sorry! ;)
Jules: Ohh, maybe we can be a hand modeling duo and dictate our own shoots!
SizzBoober: Yes, please.
Rebecca: Only in LA is exactly right!!
Caroline: Haha, so ridiculous!
VinceyPoop: I will make you your very own cheesy toast.
KM: Haha!! It was WAY easier to make sweet sweet love to that opener! You're right!
So when you got to Hustler did you at least get to use your hands for GOOD? Oh no wait, that features nude LADIES right? Damn it. There goes my fantasies of your fine hands fluffing the gents for a photo shoot. Hee. Seriously though, who knew the life of a hand model was so downbeaten? Are there no rights for hand models? Maybe Nivea or someone ought to set up a union for them or something. I think after an entire day of some ornery dude yelling at me about my lemon squirting deficiencies, I would be forced to squirt that sucker right in his goddamn eye.
Having worked in advertising, I've seen how ludicrous people can be when it comes to getting things JUST RIGHT. And I've thought, "Self, this is fucking ridiculous, who really cares if her shirt is blue or red and if she's wearing lipstick while she excitedly admires a box of tampons?"
You are so fucking cool.
Wow, were you the inspiration for the Seinfeld episode where George becomes a hand model? I assume that's your favorite Seinfeld.
Once again, hilarious!! Fuck Sizzlers and their shitty food. I can't wait for the next installment. HHH - another addiction.
I KNEW there was a reason I've avoided sizzler my whole life. Tortured seafood! I can't imagine what they make the employees do to get the display just right, or whatever. Very funny. And yes, your hands are beauteeful! You should have been paid much more. BTW, how do you get a shrimp to look larger than it is? Fuckers.
Oh, now it all makes sense why you don't do shit around the house. You pretend you're still a hand model... :)
Veggie: You're absolutely right--we need a union! Or perhaps there is one, but my ass (err, hands) didn't stick around long enough to find out! Wow, and you worked in advertising? I bet you have some stories!!
TLQ: No you are!
Adam: Good call, I probably was the inspiration for that episode. My celebrity is vast. HA!
C Ros: I'm addicted to you!
Benjies: Right?! Tortured and molested seafood! It just ain't right. Such fuckers!!
Kneebucks: OH SNAPPITY SNAP!
This story is unbelievable! You've lead quite the life and you're only 30?!
OMG, this is amazing. Who knew?! I have a few things that I'd like your hands to model...that just sounded really creepy. Sorry.
From squeezing lemons to a job at Hustler, that makes sense. Logical transition. If you think of lemons as a metaphor for a penis, which Led Zeppelin and I do.
You're life is like a movie that I can't even believe is happening! I love it!
Rachel: I usually feel as though I'm about 60 though, ha!
BenBen: It's perfectly okay. Creepiness is supported here.
Steamy: Exactly. If anything, I'm logical and follow life's clear paths that it sets before me. ;)
Jeff: Would you mind contacting Sony and telling them that? ;)
ah cmon, you didnt like housework before you were a hand model... and this post had me har de harring!
Oh man. Too effing funny!! We used to make jokes about how hand modeling would be the world's easiest job, but now I can tell people that my world-famous Sizzarse-crack hand model says that's bullcrap.
I can't tell you how much I love that you were a hand model and you had to do borderline violations to dead sea animals. I mean, not that I love you had to do that, but I love that you've got the hilarious story to tell. You know? I really don't like animal rights being violated, even if it is by the sexy-hand chica. I promise.
You're hilarious and you rock!!
You have great hands. Lucky girl. I could never do that. Too much dry skin. I can't believe they only paid you $100 for that one job. I guess it's not a lucrative gig.
Mama-B: I knew I was gonna hear it for that line!
Elise: Hahaha! You're so freaking awesome.
Jen: Aww, thankee! And isn't it crazy that it was only $100?! Insane.
New goal in life: to tell someone to pornographically suck my balls.