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    Cuz I'm a Hustler Baby

    The trip down my raggedy-ass path here in L.A. continues, and continues to get more ridiculous.

    After working at Saddle Ranch, then as a hand model, then for a little over a year as an assistant to the VP at a major PR firm, I came to the conclusion that I’m not cut out for Assistant to Dickhead work. I spent my entire time there covertly stealing office supplies until I found out they gave severance pay to fired employees. Then I made it my full time job trying to get fired—making my recycling bin my inbox, purposely giving my boss the wrong directions to meetings, landing him in South Central (he deserved it), faking falling asleep in “team meetings,” blatantly stealing office supplies, etc. Nothing worked. I realized that my boss was more interested in my ass than the fact that I was a terrible employee. So I quit.

    Then I spent over a year floating around, until one day my temp agency called and asked if I would consider working at Larry Flynt Publications for $20 an hour. Would I consider it? Um, yes, done and done. Clearly, it was a job that needed to be added to my resume of absurdity.

    On my first day at LFP, I was greeted in the swankest reception area I’ve ever seen. It was dim and sexy and there was gold gilding every piece of furniture. I was then escorted to my office...which was HUMONGO. One entire wall was glass in which I had a killer view of L.A. I almost shit my pants. I thought they must’ve made a mistake. Or was it a temporary holding pen till I was escorted to my cubicle? Nope, it was my office. And I could shut the door if I wanted to. I was in momentary heaven.

    I then got the job descrip lowdown: I would be working exclusively on Hustler Magazine, reading all letters to the editor and deciding which letters were passed on to the Editor in Chief. I also had to do some technical layout crap with photo credits, but that was a snore. The letters was the best part of my job. That and the office. And being treated like royalty—all my coworkers were men (I know, can you believe it?). Being the only 20 something woman in an office doesn’t go unnoticed.

    Down the hall from me was Barely Legal and Taboo. In the other direction was the office of who would become my closest friend at LFP. He had worked there from the very beginning, is close personal friends with Larry and is, at first meeting, the scariest mofo in the world. Coworkers warned me about him. But I have a soft spot for grumpy older guys so we quickly bonded, to the surprise of everyone in the office. How can you not like someone who goes by “Tex” and is in charge of the Beaver Hunt section of Hustler?

    For those of you unfamiliar with Beaver Hunt, it’s a spread in the magazine where women from around the world send in their unprofessional (and I mean, reeeeally unprofessional) photos of themselves with their “beavers” open for all to inspect. The prize if your photos/beavers are selected is $350. If you’re so lucky to get the annual grand prize you get $5,000. I’d like to think my beaver is worth a lot more than that, but I don’t judge beaver exposing ladies.

    So that was Tex’s job, selecting beavers. Most men’s dream job if you ask me. But I worked in a coffee place in college and after a few months the smell of coffee made me want to vomit. So I think after 30 years, even the sight of beavers to a straight man might be a turn off.

    As you can imagine, my guy friends were beside themselves when I landed this gig. I got death threats if I ever decided to quit. During that brief time, I became a legend amongst my male peers. They couldn’t get enough of the stories.

    Especially when cover models would come in to sign their contracts. These women were all pretty standard porn star types: babe with beach ball tits. But when the Barely Legal models came in, I felt like dipping my brain in turpentine. It wasn’t because I’d seen them naked (that doesn’t bother me, after all, I was a cocktail waitress at a strip club after college), but these girls looked adolescent. What disturbed me more than these pre-teen looking girls doing a spread, was the thought of the guys’ who bought the mag. I really try not to judge, but that makes me want to sew my eyes shut.

    Next time, more on all the porn give-aways, letters to the editor, how my “expertise” was put to use, and my brief encounter with Larry.



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    Reader Comments (25)

    Freaking hell, your life needs to be a movie, a book, or at the very very least, a comic. Every tale beats the last. I love it!

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElise

    My hometown is so proud to claim Larry as ours!!! Yep, homegrown pervs....that's what we're good at (shhhh...don't mention where he's REALLY from). I so want to meet Tex!

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJules

    I remember when you did this! I hope you don't show the photo of my submission. I was in a dark place then. Though I was a finalist here at the "wizards sleeve" festival.

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBoober da Beaver

    Okay, if you're not writing a book like RIGHT NOW, I'm gonna spank you. :)

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

    You're my hero. You're my hero. You're my hero.

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBenBen

    I've seen some of those Barely Legals (don't ask me how)--they're so gross!! You're awesome though. :)

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny12

    How can I get the job Tex has? I'd like to test the coffee to Beaver theory you have.

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkneebucks

    Elise: Haha! Awesome! If I'm a comic, I hope the artist gives me big tits. I want the animated me to have melons!

    Jules: Oh I looove it!

    Boober: Hahahahahaaa! I'd like to see photos from that contest. Eww, that came out weird.

    Rachel: Get your spankin' hand ready!

    BenBen: I had a feeling!

    Jenny12: So gross right?! Blehk.

    Kneebucks: You will not be testing that theory. ;)

    October 21, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    OMG don't stop...okay i'll have to wait to heat the rest. ps- "Assistant to Dickhead" that sounds soooooooo much better then "Executive Assistant"!

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

    Oh my lord, your life just gets more and more interesting! I think it sounds like a pretty cool job actually - I wouldn't be bothered either by that environment, but yeah the Barely Legal thing is scary. Hopefully those girls were 18. I mean I'm pretty sure Larry has that much sense, right? :)

    I've worked in PR and advertising and I know these dickheads of which you speak. :)

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVegetable Assassin

    whoa Nelly, rewind to 'cocktail waitress at strip club'...

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersucsatlife

    Oh wow. I worked at two magazines, but both were fashion rags and neither featured "beavers"... Good God.

    Also, the part about the preteen models disturbed the hell out of me, too. I have nothing against porn and whatever, but seriously. SERIOUSLY.

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRiff Randell

    Caroline: Much better right?! It's on my resume now! Haha!

    Veggie: You woulda kicked ass in that environment as well. And no dickheads to speak of there!

    Sucsatlife: Oh yes, indeed!

    Riff Randell: Fashion rags are just so much more appealing on a resume! I'm jealous. And SERIOUSLY right?!

    October 21, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    OMFG!!!!! The past few stories have had me rolling. And this one's no exception. Side note: Can you introduce me to Tex? ;)

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRye

    whew, glad i read this first or i woulda spent $29.95 per month cruising the hustler site looking for your photo, um, spread. but your brain is way sexier. well, i mean, i haven't, um, so i can't compare, um, oh never mind

    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercraig

    Love it!

    As a young pubescent teen I was strangely fascinated with the Beaver Hunt section. Sad but true.


    October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTim Coyne

    Wow, this is great! Some real knock down, drag 'em out material here, Buffy. You know, if you ever want to submit a story/photos to InTheFray, I'd love to publish some of your writing. ( Keep it' comin'!

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVivian Wagner

    Rye: Yay! Thanks, Rye! Tex would looooove you! ;)

    Craig: HAA! You crack my shit up.

    Tim: Hahahahaa! I love that factoid about you Mr. Coyne!

    Vivian: Um, YES and YES!!! Thank you!!

    October 22, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    How in the HELL did you never write this story before?

    Dear friggin brief stint in temp work gave me an office job with an angry gay man that made my 18 year old life miserable for a couple months and an offer to be Tweety at the Warner Bro's store for an event. For.The.Love.

    And you get Hustler?

    You always impress me :)

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Rambler

    I love your life. OMG. It's fantastic. You haven't lived if you haven't been Executive Assistant to Dickhead.

    October 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercolby

    Rambler: Haha! Tweety?! Good gawd, thanks freaking hilar!!

    Colby: No doubt right? Everyone MUST have that job at least once, I think it should be a form of graduation into adulthood.

    October 22, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    whoops, now I have to follow you!

    October 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEva Gallant


    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermregender

    Eva: Yay!

    MR: You're amazing.

    October 26, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    i love this shit. i read it over my morning coffee and even though it makes me feel boring i dont care. its tooooooo good.

    October 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSean

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