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    Sunday
    Oct252009

    Cuz I'm a Hustler Baby, Part Dos

    You really need to read Part One or you’re not gonna have any idea what the hell I’m talking about. It has to do with my employment at Hustler Magazine.

    So I had to make a will. Not because I had a kid, or a lot of money, or a lot of fine belongings, nope. It was because I started acquiring a lot, and I mean a LOT of porn. You can imagine the frenzy my collection stirred amongst my guy friends. I was instructed, not asked, no, instructed by them to draw up a will. You know, just in case I dropped dead and the state claimed all of my belongings. I’m sure my porn collection would be on the top of their list…

    I’m not even a porn person. I’ll watch it, sure, but it’s not something I particularly enjoy or seek out. So why not just give my porn away? Well, I did, I gave some of it away. But I had to keep such films as Pregnant MILFs, and Smoking Vaginas (no really, some women can actually smoke a cigarette out of their vagina—I’ve seen it), and of course any film with multiple black men and one white woman. Just for the sheer physics of it.

    I also couldn’t just give away all my porn because, well, I felt it was hard earned. And you know, it’s my legacy to the grandchildren I’ll most likely never have.

    But the greatest keepsake from Hustler, and the most prized possession in my will, are all of the letters to the editor that I kept. That’s right, the really good letters, I kept. [NOTE: please do not report me to LFP.] These letters fill two Trader Joe’s paper grocery bags and they’re probably the most incredible things I own. I’d say 90% of the letters came from prisoners. The grammar is atrocious, but if you can get passed that, there are some real gems. The other 10% were from just all around lonely guys. Really, really lonely guys. 99% of the guys wrote to specific models, who of course never saw them (not just because I took the letters home, but because these were letters to the editor, not letters to Miss January.) The other 1% of the letters were from motherfucking crazy dudes writing to Larry about spaceships and shit. Some real kuh-razies.

    I wanted to take a photo of some of these letters so you could see them, but they are buried deeeeeep in our garage. Like, there is no way I’m getting to them unless money is involved. But many of the letters went something like this:

    “Dear Shanon. I like yoor pussy yoor pussy is nice and pink and I like pink pussy i want to slap my dick on yoor foorhead.”

    Etc, etc.

    But my absolute FAV letters were the ones that included photos. ESPECIALLY naked photos. Well, the guys were never completely naked. For some reason the dudes would just pull down their pants to their ankles and then take the pic. Note to the males: that’s not hot. Take an extra 15 seconds and take off your construction boots and your pants and then take the photo. 

    For some time I couldn’t figure out why in the majority of the photos the men were holding a broom or a mop pointed towards camera. What the? It took my seasoned counterpart at Barely Legal to enlighten me: someone or something had to take the photo. In these cases, the men used the broom to hit the capture button on the camera. I know, right? I’m still rather speechless about the matter.

    Oh then there was the time that I took an elevator ride with Larry and his two bodyguards. Unfortunately our conversation only consisted of pleasantries, but I admired his all gold wheelchair. And the fact that he still goes to work every day.

    Oh and let’s talk about the penthouse! If you haven’t seen The People vs. Larry Flynt, do it. Just to see that damn penthouse office. They shot the film in the actual location. I can’t remember the exact figure, but there’s something like several million dollars worth of art in there. And the furniture and décor is straight up Louis XIV, or something shmancy like that. I used to love going up just to cruise around and say that I went to a museum that day.

    What I really started to enjoy though was when the Editor in Chief of Hustler started to call me into his office for my opinion on spreads. Now, I know, it sounds extraordinarily creepy. But it actually wasn’t. Nothing there is actually that creepy (except for Barely Legal) primarily because everyone’s so numb to it all. For better or for worse, I’m in no way phased by looking at girl on girl, gang bangs, and double penetration. It just became a matter of the 8-5 monotony.

    But it was fun when I was pulled in to give creative input on layouts. Now, it wasn’t like, “Buffy, what do you think of this D in the A while riding the horse?” Um, no. More like, “What do you think of these colors, these fonts?” etc. People at my level were never called in to the Editor in Chief’s office to give such input. But being the token chick my ideas were golden.

    But you know me, I can never stick around at a place for too long. And I certainly can’t work at a J-O-B for 40 hrs a week without starting to become a maniac. Because after all, with pursuing my career, that meant that I was really working 70+ hrs a week and that’s just no bueno. Mama needs to have some fun too. So I quit.

    I retired any sort of remaining innocence that I had at LFP. But, I walked away with a treasure trove of naughtiness to fill a will and one more notch on my resume of ridiculousness.

    Still my boozin' hat

    Reader Comments (24)

    God, I love you! Not just for your porn collection, either.

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElise

    Just like a man not to complete something all the way! (snicker, snicker...don't tell my husband I said that)

    (talking about not taking the pants off the ankles to do 100% bucknakedness.)

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Rambler

    You have a will for your porn collection. I love you more and more!!! And of course, I HAD to rent that movie when it first came out....swanky office!!

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJules

    Time for a garage sale!

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterzoots

    I want to see some of those letters!

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkm

    You are so cool - working at Hustler, having a will for your porn collection... If you ever want to get rid of some porn, my husband would probably want to help you out with that! :)

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterC Ros

    Elise: I'm glad that you put that disclaimer in. ;) Love you too!

    The Rambler: Hahaha! Right?!

    Jules: So swanky right?!

    Zootz: Never! But if I do, I'll be sure to invite you. ;)

    KM: They are classic. When I dig them out, I'll be sure to post them!

    C Ros: Haha! No doubt right?!

    October 26, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Larry has a gold wheelchair?! Good god! He's amazing.

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBenBen

    Look at you, climbing that ladder and then jumping off! You're my hero.

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

    Those letters! They are GOLD. You should make a book outta them! Um, and can I borrow that hat?

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny12

    Is there an opening over at Hustler? Do you think you could put in a good word?????

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkneebucks

    You have done some pretty wild things. Putting Hustler on your resume could either be the coolest thing or absolute worst thing, I guess depending on who the person looking at the resume might be. Just tell me you never had to write back to any of those nutters as part of the job. Yuck.

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

    Those letters sound like a treasure trove of pure awesome that needs to be exposed. Really. Sink a cocktail or ten and go get them immediately. :) Plus I want to know what lifers are fantasizing about these days in terms of what sort of ladies they want to deal the salami to. I wonder what the sex lives of those men who work at Hustler are like - are they full of fake expectations or do they go home and do it missionary style with their wives? Or does the wife wake up to find herself straddling the gardener while her husband is covered in baby oil with a surprising boner prodding her ass? Inquiring minds want to know. (sort of)

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVegetable Assassin

    BenBen: Seriously, amazing.

    Rachel: Haha! Yeah, not much of a corporate ladder climber! Ha!

    Jenny12: Oh I totally wanted to make a coffee table book outta them, but then I thought I might get sued. Sued shmood.

    Kneebucks: There just might be. And I just might, for a small fee. ;)

    Jen: I only wrote back to one guy cuz he was in Iraq and was so lonely. I felt really badly for him so I wrote him back and just told him what was going on in L.A. Probably a really boring letter, but hopefully just getting mail (on Hustler letterhead) was exciting for him.

    Veggie: THIS is why I love you. What a hilarious fucking comment!!! Good gawd you make me laugh!

    October 26, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    just keeps getting better and better....:)

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermregender

    I love that they called you in to discuss font. I mean really - to focus on verdana vs trebuchet when there's anal happening - on a horse. I'm in awe.

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercolby

    You are so awesome, please dig up some of those letters sometime!

    October 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Condescending

    MR: You're the sweetest. :)

    Colby: Right?! It was like the Twilight Zone.

    Mr. Condescending: Aww, thankee! And I really need to. The world needs to see them!

    October 27, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    This story just seriously gets better and better.

    Also, re: being numb to porn... I once dated a guy who made porn for a living. We also made a little, ahem, home movie. For some guys? Ultimate fantasy. for him? Totally no biggie. When we broke up he kept it, but I've honestly never worried about it because he was so incredibly blase that I know he'll never show anyone. 'Sides, it was way amateur.

    October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRiff Randell

    I had an old girlfriend who worked at Hustler as a makeup artist back in the days of prehistory when there were still Pygmy Mammoths and Pterodactyls hanging around and occasionally getting stuck in the La Brea tar pits in the L.A. Basin....and Larry was a young man freshly seated in that tacky, tasteless rich guy fancy wheelchair. She was about as happy with the decent pay and as duly unimpressed with the work as you seem to have been. One of the many, many odd stories she had was about the use of some sort of gluey substance that they had the makeup crew use on some of the models in order to keep their labia spread open in full "wide on" faux horny mode throughout the length of those hours long, boring photo shoots with "this is definitly not sexy, when do we finish this shit and when do I get my goddamned paycheck?" models. In the long run, putting makeup on other women's tits and gluing their vaginas open for the pleasure of the often illiterate "reader's" maximum view of pinkness got pretty old for her, not to mention the queasy feeling she got from working on sets of those "look at me, I'm fresh out of puberty, or maybe not quite out of puberty" schoolgirl photo shoots.....and she quit too. Same old thing....titties and beer, titties and beer....sex always sells, but working in that environment often makes actual sex less appealing for the worker bees. Sort of like the whole deal of a male becoming a gynecologist....might sound fun to the mind of a 20 year old college boy, but in actuality.....being to up to his elbows in vagina day after day..... gets home to the Mrs at night and he SURE AS HELL doesn't wanna "play doctor" with her.

    October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRosamond

    Riff: HO LEE CRAP, that's an awesome story. You're way cooler than me.

    Rosamond: WOWOW, great freaking story! I can't believe this, but I've never heard of that glue! Amazing! (and disgusting) Thank you for enlightening me :)

    October 27, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

    Ahahahaha! I would never, EVER get rid of those letters!

    October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiLu

    The broom/mop handle thing is KILLING me. I'll be giggling all night over that. Holy shit.

    October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSteam me up, kid

    LiLu: Right?! Gold, pure gold.

    Steamy: Isn't that amazing?! I'll have to show you the pics sometime. Truly priceless.

    October 27, 2009 | Registered CommenterBuffy Charlet

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