Snooper Un-Anonymous

One of the many random-ass-ortment of jobs that I’ve had is house sitting. It’s certainly one of my better jobs because when someone needs a house-sitter, they undoubtedly have a sweet pad. No one needs a house-sitter for his/her studio apartment.

I love house sitting for many reasons: the alone time, the awesome amenities, the money, and of course, the snooping. Some innocent snooping is the greatest—a drawer here, a cubby there. I’m not going to read someone’s diary (unless they ask me to!), but I might stumble upon their prescription drugs, err, I mean, just as an example. And let it be noted: I do not snoop around friends’ houses because frankly, I really don’t want to know secrets about my friends’ lives. That just gets messy and I’m way too much of a clean freak to open that drawer, so to speak. That’s why strangers’ houses are the best for house sitting. It’s a clean slate. And the absolute first thing I do upon entering the house, is inspect the fridge. I make it my duty, as house-sitter, to scrutinize all condiments.

“They buy cornichons? Reeheeheeallly.” You know, those midget pickles. I think if you actually purchase cornichons and have them in your fridge, it says something about you as a person. You don’t skimp on details.

If I wasn’t pursuing writing and acting, I would like to be a detective. I think I have a knack for it. And I’m totally a voyeur, so house sitting is the ultimate because you don’t have to look in, you’re already in! Free reign! But you have to be fastidious about putting everything back EXACTLY as you found it. Because there are people like me in the world who know if a rubber band is out of place on her rubber band ball. In fact, the first time Jon came over to my place, he commented on how organized everything was. I must’ve been drinking because I let out my inner crazy and dared him:

“Yeah, I always know if one tiny thing is out of place. Go ahead, try. I’ll walk out of the room and you move something, even an inch, and I’ll know.” We continued to play this game several rounds, each time within seconds I knew what had been moved and to the centimeter. Some people might classify this as a type of insanity. I like to think of it as a gift. Either way, it’s remarkable that Jon and I had a second date.

But I digress, back to house sitting and the hilarious little trick that life played on me when we got a dog. Now when I go out of town, I have to get my own house-sitter. Oh yeah, payback time. I know what fuckin’ house-sitters do when you’re gone! So I’m like a crazy evangelical mom, locking up liquor, hiding my weed in dirty socks—to be noted, that’s great hiding spot. And anything’s that a prescription is coming on vacation with me.

In the fridge, I only leave some vegetables, whole grain bread and maybe mustard. Not because I don’t want to share, but because I know that conclusions will be drawn about my food.

“Halloween candy wrapped in FOUR Ziplocs AND Tupperware? And THEN hidden behind the green beans? Yeah, she definitely has an eating disorder.”

Okay listen, that was just an example, I don’t stash Halloween candy (anymore) but I know how people think. So I make a special effort to hide my I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! spray bottle in the vegetable drawer, under the bag of onions. I mean, that shit just screams a crazy chick lives here. It’s this fake butter that 1) is in a spray bottle, and 2) it not only has zero fat, but also, zero calories. I think L.A. water with all its amoebas and shit even has calories. I can’t even imagine the chemicals that are eroding my intestines with this “butter” for it to have ZERO calories. So of course I love it! I spray it on everything; I make shit up to spray it on. Salad with butter? Why not. Diet Coke with butter, oh yeah. A little squirty-squirt as an afternoon treat? Come-on, who doesn’t love butter? And if you don’t like it, keep it to yourself, because that’s obnoxious. You’re a freak. There are certain things that everyone likes, but some people pretend not to like so they appear different and special. But in fact, you’re trying to get attention.

I had a roommate who claimed to hate chocolate. I mean, really? I know that bitch had 12 Hershey’s bars under her pillow because no one hates chocolate. And again, if you “do,” you must be some sort of fun-hating cyborg. Am I right?

So I assume this post has really done in my house-sitting career…that’s okay and karmically it’s probably for the best. I’m on to bigger and better anyway, such as wearing an apron and pouring cocktails for the general public...ouch. I can sometimes get my snooping fix in at the bar though by evaluating what type of drink a person orders, if they pay cash or credit, and the obvious: eavesdropping. But unfortunately, so many people are boring. But if I’m really lucky, a customer will write himself a note on a napkin and forget it when he leaves. Jaaaackpot. Hey, it’s the little things that make a shift go by.

Comments

[Karen Rodriguez]

Haha !! I love that! The notes people write to themselves. I've found some crazy ones myself. One guy left one at my "table" once and it was so strange to me. It was: 1. Buy palm adapter 2. Develop Film @ Costco 3. Break up with Shannon 4. Feed Charles .....it continued, but the break up with Shannon part ? Why did he need to write that in the list.....?? And feed Charles....who is Charles? A fish, A dog? A person? But you're right its fun!! I also agree with you about NEVER snooping at friends houses. I hate to find out things about my friends that A) they have not told me themselves and B) maybe they don't want me to know. I really can't even open a drawer !!! Its one of the problems I have with FB too. I like being "connected" but Its like opening a drawer too. haha!! But yeah, you can't mess with friendships like that....I'm afraid what I'd find too..my friends are all crazy hahah!!

[Tim Coyne]

Hah!

I house sat this weekend for a friend. Him and his wife have a rabbit so I took care of him also.

I have no further comments. I don't want to incriminate myself;)

Tim

[jd]

“Halloween candy wrapped in FOUR Ziplocs AND Tupperware? And THEN hidden behind the green beans?" Wow! You can't help it Buff...it's genetic! But where did the super org thiang come from?....

[zootz]

cornicon people don't skip on details... hmmmm. aren't you missing the teeny weeny weeny aspect?