Slaying the Boredom Dragon: Part One
Sunday, August 16, 2009 at 11:45PM That last two weeks of any job, you get reflective. You start to think of all of the time you’ve spent there and all the shit you’ve done memories. You’re suddenly reminded of all the good times you’ve actually had (which somehow you could never remember before) and all the crap you’ve taken for granted.
But, having given my notice, one thing I most certainly won't miss is the boredom. The absolute worst part of having a crap-ass job is being so mentally unstimulated that you can actually fil yursilf gittin stoopitter.
I might be able to tolerate the zilch personal fulfillment that my job provides if I wasn’t stretched out on the rack and tormented by the dull beating fists of boredom. I could almost conceptualize being a shade of happy, if I wasn’t so damn bored. And even if you’re physically active or have endless stacks of papers to file, if your brain’s on siesta, boredom will come and sit on your face with its fat, hairy ass until you suffocate.
I’ve devised many methods to slay the savage boredom dragon in both an office job and a restaurant job, since I’ve experienced both miseries. I’ve rated each method with stars between one and four signifying how effective it is at fighting boredom. Consequently, each method also has a devil rating from one to four depending on how many karma points it kills. Ain’t nothin’ for free.
TOP TEN LIST:
1. Drink. This is significantly easier at a restaurant job, but certainly not impossible at an office job. There are three main problems with drinking at the office though. The first, it’s expensive. You either have to go to a bar at lunch, which adds up considerably, or you have to smuggle your own booze in with your soda or water bottle. Either way, you’re paying for your booze and that takes away a lot of the fun.
The second problem with drinking at the office: you stick out because even if you can keep your shit together and not stumble or talk loudly, your mood spikes. If people are used to you being suicidal subdued and borderline unconscious, but everyday around 2:00 you’re suddenly acting as though your job doesn’t suck ass, then someone’s gonna figure it out. And yes, of course they are, they have nothing else to do besides make you miserable.
And finally, the third problem with drinking at the office is that it makes you not only appear, but it also makes you feel, like an alcoholic. And let’s face it, no one wants to feel like an alcoholic. Since restaurants are in the booze business, you don’t feel like an alcoholic as often (regardless if you are one or not). If you’re a bartender or even a server, you’re not shamed when you have a shot, or four, at work. It’s almost expected of you, and oftentimes encouraged.
While at both the office and at a restaurant, drinking butchers the boredom dragon (especially when you have to sneak the booze, which adds an extra layer of excitement), but the damage it does to you on an emotional and physical level most often just ain’t worth it. In my wise old age, I have found (through way too many years of experience) that drinking at work should be reserved only for times when the boredom dragon is far more gruesome and more destructive than the booze dragon. 4 stars, 4 devils
Don't be this guy
2. Bingo. I’m talking self-made bingo sheets here people. And it’s considerably more fun if you can get another co-worker to play with you. On your sheets, instead of having numbers and letters, you write in circumstances that might happen throughout the shift. For example: Boss says, “You order my lunch yet?” Check mark. Coworker compliments herself 5 times. Check mark. 10 customers carry a Louis Vuitton. Check mark. 15 people ask for a fucking mojito (sadly, that one’s a gimme). Check mark. Computer freezes. Check mark. Etc. etc. until you hit Bingo! 2.5 stars, 1 devil (only because it’s more fun to look for mean things)
I will be using this my next shift.
3. Develop a crush on a co-worker. I’m not sure why people poo-poo this method so often. It’s not like you’re blowing a co-worker in the bathroom. Though, that’s definitely a 4 star method, but it gets overly complicated. But a simple crush can slay hours upon hours of tedium. And if you work with a bunch of ugly people, just imagine that they’re really good in bed, like world record holders in the Fuck Olympics. That can sometimes turn a Fugly into crush-worthy-material. And as long as you don’t act upon it, this method is virtually devil free. (Just don’t give yourself a guilt trip about it or start to think about him/her away from work. That’s amateur and no bueno.) 4 stars, 0 devils
4. Play the lotto. Hey, it can’t hurt. Purchase the ticket before work and during work imagine, specifically, all of the ways you’re going to spend your 85 mill. The more specific you are, the more time you kill. 2.5 stars, 1 devil (because eventually, it always ends up being depressing)
5. Create a work nemesis and plot their demise. Clearly not the most Zen method, but let’s be honest; we’re not trying to win Nobel Peace Prizes here—we’re trying to survive a shift. Creating a work nemesis has never been a challenge for me because so many people annoy me, but if you’re one of those people who loves everyone (you’re weird) then I have nothing to offer you. You’re actually probably a very happy person and you are now my new nemesis. Goodbye.
To Be Continued on Wednesday…
bingo, boredom, co-worker crush, lotto, tormented
Reader Comments (18)
I'm so printing your sheet and using it at work.
I swear I'm busy but this could help me from saying nasty things to my boss.
:) Mojitos...I laughed so hard.
Another reason to stop back packing... missed my HHH
...thought Idaho was part of the Wild West, you know, wide open space between peoples ears Shared this with co-workers and got, "funny, but why does she HAVE to use the f.... word SO much?" These are people that f.... like rabbits, or don't f... at all. Now I have to move further West, have to have my fucking HHH.
"if I wasn’t stretched out on the rack and tormented by the dull beating fists of boredom. I could almost conceptualize being a shade of happy, if I wasn’t so damn bored." Great fucking line!!!
I love the bingo! Hahahaha!!! You should sell those sheets! :)
Love this post. Thanks for blogging so that I can look at HHH when I am bored at work instead of thinking of ways to blow up the place. I think one of my favorites is day dreaming about winning the lotto. Of course, I also do online shopping, email friends (who are also apparently bored at work or slacking just as much as I am), and check out lame Facebook. Oh the joys of work. "Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else." Which means that what I do for a paycheck must be work, because I can think of at least 1 million other things to do. <sigh>
i've done all but bingo and can't wait to play tomorrow! i'm making cards and distributing them to coworkers for conference calls.
ok. TOTALLY worked in a call center (please, insert bullet in my head) for 3 years. I will definitely say that I tried nearly all of these tactics to cure the sucker punches of boredom. Drinking=good. crush= excellent. I find that I actually must develop a crush at almost every job or at least someone to flirt with or it's just not worth going.
"Coworker compliments herself 5 times. Check mark."... next time some PMS-ing, boss's pet bimbo walks into my office struttin' her bony ass and makes me lose my place in this god-damned thousand-page spreadsheet, I won't fil mysilf gittin stoopitter... I'm gonna shoot her. Then I'm coming after that lousy thieving squirrel of yours. Boredom solved, thank you.
Buf, you're totally awesome!!!!!!!
We play bingo at work all the time. Love it. We like to do it on conference calls when those of this room can mock the words of everyone on the other end of the phone. With 2 big corporate mergers, new buzzwords, and "company speak," we've had endless hours of entertainment.
Here's a link to a site where you can plug in your words and it comes out pretty. It also shuffles the words for you so you can play with others.
http://www.teach-nology.com/web_tools/materials/bingo/5/
I think you should make that Bingo sheet into a t-shirt.
Love it!
Tim
is the black american express, like, one up on the platinum?
Drinking isn't so easy in the Education Job either. But I could develop a work nemesis.......
Bingo gets boring when played with kids....Plus the kids get loud. Headache which leads to drinking... See above.
Nemesis it is!
Rambler: Oh it totally helps me so I don't say nasty things to my boss!!
Zootz: I've missed you too!
Newbie: Yes, move out further West! The West and all the swear words are calling you!
Ben Ben: thank you!
Jenny: Great fucking idea!
C Ros: I love you. And that's such a great quote!
Claire: Bingo is so great! And time consuming, which is essential for very looooong work days.
Blunt: Oh dear god, a call center?! I have to have stories!
1000Needles: You're freaking hilarious. To hell with all those bony asses! And PLEASE find my thieving squirrel already!
Colby: Once again, we're twins. And holee crap, that site!! Made my day!
Tim: That shirt is genius!!! Now I must have one!
KM: A black Amex is completely pimp. You have to spend $150,000 (or something like that) a year on it to keep it. Crazy right?
Jules: Pretty much everything gets boring with kids, haha! Nemesis it is for sure! Sending you strength on your first week back!!
awesome, HHH. i used to masturbate in the office bathroom. that would kill anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes depending on whether or not i was looking at porn on my computer before entering the bathroom.
JE: On the non-porn days (is there really such a thing?) your coworkers must've thought you were taking the world's longest deuce!
The firefox browser now has a 'start private browsing session' under Tools.
Let the games begin.