Slaying the Boredom Dragon: Part Deux
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 11:45PM Alrighty homies, on Monday I gave you five (in no particular order) of my top ten methods to fight boredom at your potentially mind-numbing j-o-b. Here are my final five methods, again, in no particular order.
Please note that I don’t throw in the obvious methods of Facebook, email, Twitting your Twatter, IM or texting, because, well, those are just so obvious. Also, you can only partake in those if you work in an office. And if you’re like me, or my homegirls Colby, Claire, Rambler, Jules, Elise, and Blunt, you’ve endured werk away from a computer where all you have is your imagination…and the general public to fuck with.
So onwards to the final five:
6. Steal. Now, calmuh down, calmuh down. There’s a spectrum of stealing. There’s stealing a pack of multi-colored post-it notes and then there’s embezzling money. I’m not saying either is model behavior, or even ethical, but if I am anything, I’m realistic.
I stick to the post-it notes genre so I can sleep at night and I always try to rationalize “the steal.” For example, at a restaurant job I might take (and “take” is a much nicer word than steal, dontchya think?) a couple of lemons, or a handful of mint from the walk-in refrigerator. I rationalize the swipe (“swipe” is even better) by telling myself, “I will appreciate this lemon on my salmon tomorrow night, and this mint in my tea tomorrow morning. This lemon and this mint might otherwise go to waste, as it so often does, but now it won’t, because I’m setting it free, into my belly.”
See, once you change the verbiage, all of a sudden instead of being a creep and spiking the produce costs, you’re Robin Hood. I’ve played this karma jump rope at most jobs, especially office jobs where they’re practically asking you to help yourself to the supply closet. While stealing is one of the most effective methods at passing boredom, it clearly comes with a hefty toll on your conscious and karma, no matter how your inner publicist spins it to yourself. 4 stars, 4 devils
Loot from jobs passed. Don't judge me.
7. Pranking customers and/or co-workers. Not much explanation is needed here. A co-worker of mine is the best at this. She’ll go up to an empty table that’s surrounded by full tables and start describing the specials to the empty table, as if there are people sitting there. She will then take the imaginary customers orders. The real customers at the surrounding tables are dumbfounded and can’t stop staring. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. (stars and devils dependent on the prank)
8. Urinating. This is when times are tough people. When you’re so bored all the motivation you can muster is drinking any beverage you can get your bored little fingers on. I try to drink liquid enough to drain the Pacific just to see how many times I can urinate in one shift. My record is 27 and I ain’t frontin’. 1 star, zero devils
9. Actually work. Yeah, I know, this is a tough one to swallow. There have been a few times though (very, very few times) when I’m so bored (and so bored of being bored) that I don’t even have the energy to enlist any of the above methods to fight my boredom. And instead of just staring out into space and drooling down my shirt as per usual, I am possessed by a ghost of a good-employee-past and decide to work.
In a restaurant this translates to when there’s no customers, I decide to actually clean. “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” To which I usually reply (in my head), “go fuck yourself, tool-bag manager.” But there are a handful of times when I’ve actually cleaned or worked when I could’ve easily gotten out of it. And it’s pretty incredible what a time killer working is.
I’m not gonna lie, the first few minutes are brutal. Like getting out of bed after 2 muscle relaxers and a bottle of wine—your body just doesn’t know how to move and it’s a little bit painful. But if you can hang in there, it’s actually kind of an interesting challenge of willpower. It’s nothing mind-blowing. But the greatest side effect of working is that it kills time and time is our enemy at work. 2 stars, zero devils
10. Start a side business at work. It’s ultra-gratifying when you make some money (even lunch money) at your side business while working at your shitty job. A side business may include (depending on your job): selling your company’s office supplies on eBay, selling weed and/or pills to your depressed co-workers, or advertising lunchtime BJs on craigslist. 4 stars, but let’s face it, Santa’s not going to be visiting you this year.
Any methods that I missed?
post-it notes, pranking, smuggle, stealing, urinating
Reader Comments (16)
Love love love this. I steal so much shit from work - stationery stuff, not like furniture or anything. I'm definitely going to do the urinating one. May as well, I go to the bathrooms heaps of times just to wash my hands. Not because I've got OCD but because I'm so friggen bored.
You should probably patent this list before some knob steals all the ideas and passes them off as their own.
Oh and by the way, I had such a shitty day today at work, all I could think of was coming home to watch Drinking Out Of Cups. I love it so much.
I do spend a lot of time ACTUALLY working.... I mean, it's kids and all. But we do pull pranks on each other a lot too. I'll have to write about those. And yeah, I have some "supplies" that I've "borrowed" from work here at the house.
Turn away. You didn't see a thing......
Alright....the BJ at lunchtime is a new one.
And I'm trying to think who in my crazy crew would do the empty table thing. God that would be hilarious.
Was telling my staff about the bingo game the other night (cause I'm the cool manager like that) and their eyes lit up.
And yes, even myself might have 'borrowed' things. (shoulder shrug..)
Loved this list!!!
Gossiping is always a good one and something employed at my part time job relentlessly. This is not good as far as the karma gods are concerned and I always feel badly about it. Because, really if I'm bitching about someone I'm sure that means someone else is bitching about me. It does kill time and the entertainment value is priceless.
Brainstorming and rehersing "calli-ins'... a grown up variation on 'the dog ate my homework' game. kills hours.
Oh man, I wish I worked with you! I have a feeling it would be much, much more fun!
Urinating. Classic!!! I think maybe your bladder needs a vacation though!
Elise: You know what we need?! Drinking out of Cups t-shirts!! Like just the photo of the lizard with his Indian feather crown on (I'm sure there's a word for that that I'm too ignorant to know). We need t-shirts stat! Hmm, I'll put my thinking cap on... :)
Jules: Ohhh, I can't wait to hear about your pranks! And "borrowed" is a much better word than "take" or "swipe"--nice!
Rambler: You are definitely the coolest manager in recorded history. You're like a unicorn. I hope your employees know how lucky they are!
WhenPigsFly: Gossiping, nice! How could I forget gossiping?!
Zootz: Nice one! It is certainly fun to come up with the most unique call-in!
Jenny: We would have a BLAST if we worked together! Of course, we might end up in prison.
Jeff: You're completely correct--my bladder needs a vaca or else it's going to revolt.
damn,wished I'd commented sooner, I wanna play! slow, but sincere, love the photos every time.
ok, never admitted this before but i did # 10 for a loooong time. you'd never guess to look at me but i was a mid level mover in a..erm...gray market, so to speak. needed the money, had the opportunity, and keys to the building. no longer have the cojones or the connections but sure could use the money again. it definately was a perk at that job, and kept me there at least a year and a half past what i otherwise would have been :) thanks for the venue, that felt good.
HHH does practice what she preaches. I've been on the receiving end of her Robin Hood-esque adventures. In fact, I still may have the staples and post-it notes to prove it. She is a hero for the common man.
Pip: You can still play!!
Anonymous: I assume you're not talking about BJs at lunch. :) Here at HHH we never judge! Good thing we didn't work together back in the day (or did we?) or else we might be doing time now, ha!
JE: Aww, garsh. Can I pretend I'm the Omar of the corporate world? I guess now I just need a scar across my face a shot gun. Oh, and to be about a million times cooler.
While we're having the tshirts made up, we should totally get some lizard-Indian-feather-crown plastic figures made too. Like a couple inches high. And maybe he has a button you can press where he says stuff like "What does this guy think he is, an Indian?", "Not my chair, not my problem" and "I'm in love with the seahorses." That would cheer me the fuck up right away.
You totally win with the server who takes an order at an empty table. The best we ever did was try eye drops in beverages. So you know . . . we could make them just have to do their business. And by the way - you totally rule with this dual post. Highlight reel. For reals.
Elise: YES! This is our road to riches! Or at least endless laughs. I want a key chain. And maybe a stuffed lizard to sleep with. Oh and one for my mantel. "Who is this, Mr. Walkway? Mr. walk down me I'm a walkway? Fuck you." I'm in love with the seahorses! (Omg, I literally have to stop myself from just quoting the entire thing right now! Thank you for loving it as much as I do!!!)
Colby: Fist to the mouth of the guy who took out the ingredient that makes people shit themselves with a drop of Visine in their drink! That would've come in handy last night with the guy who said to me, "Do you even know who I am?" Yep, sure do, you're a giant fuck-face. And aww man, thanks for liking the dual post! You rule everything good.
since i work from home, i've been considering a bj business. this kind of cinches it for me as a sign from god. you are god aren't you? also, i lifted a pie from a job once. amongst other things. (and thanks for the shout out!)