From One Scumbag to Another?
Sunday, September 6, 2009 at 10:00PM On my last night of work I was rapping with two of my all-time favorite regulars and they asked me the question of the month:
“So what are you planning on doing after you quit?”
To which I reply, sounding like I have 4 brain cells, “Dunno!” as I throw my shoulders up to my ears like a Muppet.
Being that these two are cool as shit, they applauded my what otherwise could be construed as infantile recklessness. And then they gave me what could possibly be the weirdest (and thereby, the greatest) idea ever.
It could’ve been the Grey Goose on the rocks they were drinking or the virtual buzz I was feeling from working my last shift, but here I am, a week later and I’m following through.
Okay, are you ready for this? (yeah, yeah, get to it already) Drum roll please…
I’m auctioning off my uniform on eBay. My unwashed, stained, pitted out, you-don’t-even-want-to-know-what-I’ve-done-in-this-thing uniform. INCLUDING: my pants, my shoes, my Ford’s shirt, my Ford's sweatshirt, my socks, my bra, and my underwear that I ONLY wore to work. (I didn’t want to contaminate my nice undergarments by exposing them to my work environment.)
I know, it’s fucking weird. All of it.
This would be really pathetic (or, even more pathetic?) if it had been my idea. Completely conceited. I would hate myself if I actually thought up this scheme. But I didn’t, in fact, I needed some convincing, so I hope you don’t think I’m an ego-maniac. I really just have a lot of time on my hands now.
And truly, I can’t imagine who in the hell would want to buy the utter disgustingness that composes my uniform. I literally keep my uniform (underwear, socks, bra, included) in my garage EVEN WHEN IT’S CLEAN because it repulses me. I was actually telling these two fab regulars how excited I was to BURN everything when they offered up the eBay auction suggestion. And what started off as a joke, escalated into a full-blown retirement plan.
I have to say, I’m a little curious. Could there really be some lonely, housebound 400 lb man who’s seen the one Cold Case episode I’m in and has to have the socks that I wore for 3.5 years? Or maybe there’s a guy in Minnesota who likes to wear ladies’ brassieres and he’s obsessed with the shitty straight to DVD movies I’m in and wants to wear my threadbare bra under his suit? Or maybe a rich Japanese businessman who loves American blondes and wants my undies to use as a kerchief? Maaaaybe?
Uh, yeah, riiiiight.
Or maybe a Harrison Ford fanatic who wants a Ford’s Filling Station t-shirt and sweatshirt worn by an actual Ford’s employee who’s served Harrison on several occasions? More likely of a scenario, but it’s still a stretch.
But you know what? I’m goin’ for it. Why not? I really see no downside to this. Except, you know, if I ever do get my big break then that will be kind of weird.
On second thought, nah, I don’t give a shit. And if pigs fly and dinosaurs are reincarnated and someone really does buy my uniform or even just one item, I could really use the skrilla. After all, I have expensive taste in booze.
And, more likely, when no one even bids one cent on anything I can always resort back to Plan A: burn it. And at least I’ll have a perfectly ridiculous story for the grandchildren. Oh wait, that’s right, there might not be any grandchildren. Scratch that. Well, at least I’ll have a perfectly ridiculous story for the poor sucker who has to change my diaper in the nursing home.
So here we go, let’s try this one again: “Hey Buffy, what’s your plan now that you quit your job?”
“Sell my dirty shit on eBay!” as I throw my shoulders up to my ears like a Muppet.
Wanna laugh at my patheticness and see it live? Watch the eBay "auction" HERE.
Reader Comments (24)
Oh my God, that is so friggen hilarious!! And genius! I love it!! You never fail to crack me up.
Totally hilarious! Hang in there, this kind of writing can only land you a good writing/comedy gig in hollyweird....
There's TOTALLY going to be some guy smelling your dirty underwear! I hope you get big money for it!!!
there was a visual artist (student at the time) that sold everything he owned on e-bay: from his dirty socks to his actual art work. even the items in his cupboard and fridge. he's famous now! can't remember his name, i'll look it up and send it to you.
his name is John Freyer
This? Is an awesome idea. And even more awesome that you followed through with it! I can't wait to see where this goes.
Hahahaha!!! You MUST keep us posted!!
Elise: Awesome, thanks, Elise!! Yay!
MasterThis: Aw, wow, thank you!! I freaking hope so!
Jules: I already got two creepy emails asking about my underwear--wtf?! Haha!
KM: Oh no way, that's awesome!
Racquel V: Haha, thank you!! :)
Suzanne: Oh MOS DEF!!
HI-larious! I love picturing you throwing your shoulders up in a shrug and saying, "sell my dirty shit on e-bay" to the next person who asks you what you are going to do now.
Oh my lord... this is freaking HILARIOUS. I kind of want to bid just to get it started...
Wait you aren't including your bottled up farts from each shift? Cuz then I would have totally made a bid.......
The Japanese will buy anything...they buy tumbleweeds, so why not your uniform. include your pic with blond afro.....done!
Shoolroy: haha, totally! I cannot wait for someone to ask me now! What was once a dreaded question is now welcome!
LiLu: Dewd, get this! Someone bid last night, but I had to remove my post because I'm retarded and put my full name in the descrip and kept getting creepy emails about my underwear! So my boyfriend got all freaked out about a stalker and we removed my post, then reposted it without my name. BUT, it means I totally lost that bid---argh!
Boober: Oh no, I saved those expressly for you. Merry Christmas!
Benjies: So true, maybe I should include that pic AND a tumbleweed? After all, I am from Nevada.
sniff sniff
I hope you get a million!!!!... minus the creepy stalkers- good call on taking your name off!!! Can't wait to see what happens!
You are crazy! But, what fun. Why not? As you said, you can always burn the crap. And, as a resident of Minnesota I would be offended if it were not true that there probably are some poor bastards that would like to wear your undergarments. Let's hope you break the bank with this one.
JE: Mmm, roses. ;)
Rebecca: Oh a million would just be fab! Of course, I'd be happy with 10 bucks. Ha!
WhenPigsFly: Haha! Oh yes, I hope your countrymen come through!!
hahah this was hysterical!
I just checked the listing and no bids yet though :(
I like how ebay says "don't let this item slip away!"
Were you serious bout the cold case files?
Mr. C: Thank you!! And yeah, no bids! I had to drop my one bid cuz he got all creepy stalker on me. Oh schwell. And I was on "Cold Case," the CBS show, not "Cold Case Files" the A&E show. :)
Checking in on how it's going!...it occured to me, why not put ads on craigslist to draw attention to the auction? you need more people to know it's there.
Add a link to your ebay page.....put it in the stuff for sale section. put the ad in cities where you have a gut feeling you'd get the most responses, like, i don't know, billings, montana? phoenix? put a free ad wherever you can place free ads...usually the bidding takes off in the last few hours anyways....just a thought!
hope you make enough bling to keep writing!
MasterThis: Wow! You're totally awesome! Would you mind managing my life? ;) Great ideas!
Zoots: Seriously, that just made my day. Thank you!
HOLY CRAP. Genius!!!
I know...I've been MIA...and I'm browsing throught your fabulousness now and to stumble on such a EBAY find.
OH and erm, I LOVE Cold Case...what ONE episode would that be???
Off to check what else you've been concocting while I've been missing.
The Rambler: So glad you're back--hasn't been the same without you. :) I was in the episode called "Strange Fruit" that took place in the early 60s. The black maid and her boyfriend tries to report a rape to the cops and they ridicule her. Then the boyfriend gets killed. I worked for the cops, but hated them. Remember that one? It was really depressing!